


The Last Knight

by queenelsa_ofarendele



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Ben Solo is a Mess, Dominant Kylo Ren, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Kidnapping, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Loss of Virginity, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, More plot than originally intended, Non-Consensual Touching, Obsessive Behavior, POV Kylo Ren, Physical Abuse, Possessive Kylo Ren, Protective Ben Solo, Reader is a Knight of Ren, Reader-Insert, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Toxic Behavior, Violence toward reader, i didn’t mean for it to get darker but here we are, kylo is violent toward reader at times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:34:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 61,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26603800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenelsa_ofarendele/pseuds/queenelsa_ofarendele
Summary: "You know I can take whatever I want." He said, taking a step toward you.You shrugged and tapped the side of your head. "Anything but what's in here."Before you could blink, his hand was around your neck. Black leather fingers dug into your skin. You gasped, your hands instinctively grabbing his arm and trying unsuccessfully to pry his grasp from your windpipe. "You've made some very bad choices in the past twenty four hours, and now I'm going to have to punish you."***Being the only girl in the Knights of Ren, your thoughts are somehow protected from the prying eyes of your master. Sensing a threat to his power, Kylo Ren becomes obsessed with finding a way inside your head--and he's willing to do whatever it takes to get what he wants.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & Reader, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & You, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 33
Kudos: 267





	1. Surviving

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: I don't know if anyone is actually ever going to read this story, but if you're seeing this- welcome! I'm glad you're here. I'm fairly new to Star Wars, but I used to write a ton of Hunger Games fanfics back in the day. I'm finishing a doctorate program so I might not update super quickly, but I promise that I have the full story laid out and I very much intend to complete it. I hope you enjoy it. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a fan fiction. I do not own any of the original characters from Star Wars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 12/12/20: Just wanted to come back to the beginning and give a little disclaimer (since I never thought anyone would actually read it but here we are 😅)- this story starts out fairly chill, but it gets darker. Kylo’s behavior in this story is possessive, abusive, and violent. Some things in the story can potentially be triggering to readers. I will add specific TWs to each chapter, but just be warned that the story overall has some darkness. 
> 
> I started this story kind of as a joke and for fun but it’s slowly become more and more important to me. ❤️ Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!

Your heart skipped a beat as Master Luke read your name off of the small piece of paper he had pulled out of a cap. It was your first duel, and even though you didn't believe in anything, you prayed to the gods that you would have an evenly matched opponent. Or, at the very least, you wouldn't get knocked out within the first ten seconds.

You looked around the circle at your companions, padawans eagerly awaiting the other name to be drawn. Friday afternoons had become something to look forward to at the Jedi Temple. Master Luke had been urging the students to feel the force run through their bodies during combat without relying on their lightsabers for everything. He told them time and time again that they wouldn't always have a weapon to use during a fight. Hence, the weekly Friday duels.

"Ah," You noticed a flicker of something across Master Luke's face as he looked at the next slip of paper. The expression only lasted for a split second before he called out the name with a smile, "Ben."

You felt your stomach drop. You looked across the large circle at Ben Solo, undoubtedly the Jedi Temple's most talented student. Not to mention, Luke's favorite by a longshot. His friends clapped him on the back and he laughed, cracking his knuckles. He was at least a foot taller than you, maybe more, and he had speed to rival even Master Luke. If you survived this, it would be a miracle.

You snapped out of it when you heard your name called again. "Oh, uh, sorry." You stumbled into the middle of circle and gulped.

"All right," Master Luke looked between you and Ben, "as I've said before, these exercises are not for you guys to just fist fight each other." You heard snickers from the crowd but you were too busy watching Ben tower over you like a wall of steel. The afternoon sun shined on his dark brown waves, creating the illusion of a halo behind him. The confidence radiated from him in mighty waves.

You knew the other padawans were placing bets on how fast you'd get knocked on your ass. You weren't necessarily afraid of being hurt... but you were afraid of seeing the disappointment on your master's face. "I want you to learn to feel the force's energy around you--in you--like it's coming from the earth. It's coming through your feet, and guiding your movements."

As soon as Master Luke gave the go-ahead, Ben lunged forward, already putting you on the defensive. You stumbled backward, trying to keep him from grabbing you. He smiled and licked his lips in concentration, going for you again. This time, you barely made it out of the way as you felt his fingers graze your shoulder. You felt the red hot sting of embarrassment on your face as you scrambled around, desperate to avoid his grasp. You wanted Master Luke to see you, to praise you.

It felt as if you were scrambling around for hours until someone from the audience called, "Come on, Ben, go easy on her."

That was all it took. Suddenly, a rage ignited inside of you. You didn't need pity, especially from the Jedi Temple pretty boy and child prodigy Ben Solo.

 _Don't throw away this chance to prove yourself_.

In that moment, Ben hesitated. You made eye contact with Master Luke for a split second, and then closed your eyes. It was almost as if he had nodded at you without moving a single muscle, silently giving you a signal to take your chance. You felt the force around you and Ben, suddenly knowing he would aim high and allow you to move away just this once, feeling slightly guilty about beating up a girl half his size.

You took your opportunity and reached up, grabbing his wrist and twisting, digging your nails into his skin. You felt that he would step backward and try to free his wrist, so you leapt backwards with him, throwing your body weight against him and causing him to fall to the ground, taking you with him. You could tell he wasn't used to being taken down, so you used his second moment of uncertainty to quickly rotate your body and straddle his stomach, pinning him to the ground with your hands on his chest.

For a second all you could hear was your breathing, and then came the slow clap of Master Luke stepping into the circle. "Never go easy on your opponents Ben, it's foolish to underestimate anyone."

The rest of the crowd was silent. For a moment, you felt guilty.

Ben looked up at Master Luke, and something in his dark eyes made you leap off of him and scramble to your feet. You felt almost as if you were intruding on an intimate, yet volatile moment. The force you felt around Ben was strange, and full of confusion. He looked almost hateful as he got up wordlessly, never taking his eyes off his uncle.

***

Despite cautiously celebrating your victory over Ben with your friends that night, careful not to let him see your grin over dinner, you couldn't sleep. It was too humid in the little hut you shared with your friend Iyra. You listened to her deep breathing as she slept soundly, most likely dreaming of her family back home, thinking of them fondly. You tossed and turned on your mattress, hoping to dream of anything _but_ your family back home.

The problem was, with every hot and sticky breath, you missed the eternal chill of your winter planet more and more. It was pointless of course, as there was nothing there for you now.

You were just about to drift off to sleep, imagining the snow-covered trees near your old village, when you felt something tickle your arm. You jolted upright and shook your arm, sending a large spider scurrying across the floor. You shuddered, still unused to the amount of bugs you've encountered since Luke brought you to the Jedi Temple.

You were wide awake now, so you decided to go for a walk. You made sure to shake your boots out before putting them on in case the original spider had any friends hanging around.

You weren't sure how long you walked through the woods, using your lightsaber as a flashlight. It cast a blue glow across the trees as you fiddled with it, repeatedly igniting it and putting it out again, something that Master Luke hated. You smiled to yourself. You were about to turn around and head back to your hut when you heard a scream echo through the woods, followed by a blaze of light. The force seemed to shake around you, as if it had been disrupted by deep, penetrating fault lines. Through the cracks in the force, you felt fear and darkness slip their tendrils in and encircle the Jedi Temple.

You didn't hesitate before turning on your heels and running back toward the only place you had been able to call home since you were a child. When you finally reached the clearing in the trees, it was all you could do not to fall to your knees. The temple and surrounding huts were engulfed in flames, leaving no structure untouched. Black smoke thickened the air around you, causing you to gasp for breath. Tears stung your eyes as you ran through the camp, screaming out for Iyra or any of your other friends. Screaming out for Luke. Even screaming out for Ben.

The fire had burned abnormally quickly, leaving only the barest structures of the huts standing blackened in the dirt. All you could hear was the blaze of the remaining fire and the collapse of the structures around you. Not a single scream echoed back in response to your calls. Surely there were survivors somewhere. You hadn't walked that far away. How could this have happened so quickly?

You ran through the smoke, pleading again to the gods you weren't sure were there, when something caught your eye near the edge of the woods opposite to where you had come out. You felt a familiar pull in the force, something only someone as powerful as Master Luke could cause. "Master Luke!" You screamed, running toward him as fast you can.

The figure didn't stop walking. "LUKE!" You wailed, coughing in the smoke that surrounded the ruins.

He finally stopped as you approached, turning around to look at you. "You have to leave." You imagined what he saw in front of him- a short, scrawny, Jedi-wannabe covered in dirt.

"What happened?" You begged, taking a step toward him like a child who needed comfort from their father. He stepped away from you and held his hands up in defense, warning you not to come closer.

"I'm sorry I brought you here. I'm sorry I ever came to this place." The look on his face was haunted. He was covered in sweat and ash.

"What are you talking about? Please, let me come with you." The words tumbled out of your mouth before you could stop them. You suddenly felt as if your time there had all been a dream and you were fighting to stay asleep, surrounded by bliss.

All he gave you in response was the shake of his head before turning around and disappearing into the thick line of trees. You began to panic, large sobs wracking your body as you walked back into the camp, hoping that some of the padawans had been able to escape into the woods. Surely you'd meet up with them tomorrow?

You stumbled for a while, pulling at your short hair, the pain being the only thing reminding you that this wasn't a dream.

When another shadow caught your eye amidst the ruins, and you immediately recognized the tall figure. "Ben!" you called to him, but he didn't give you the grace of stopping or turning around until you grabbed his sleeve, forcing him to look at you. "Ben, what happened?"

"Go away, Kid. Just be happy you're still alive." He shrugged you off and kept walking.

"Please, I don't have anywhere else to go!" You sobbed, clutching his arm.

"Not my problem." He shrugged you off roughly and turned away.

You were becoming hysterical now, galloping after him, trying to keep up with his long strides. You couldn't be stuck on another planet alone, left to die.

Wait.

You wouldn't.

You had been there already and you weren't going back.

You felt it again, the same resolve you discovered earlier during the combat practice. It filled you to the brim, threatening to boil over. This was your only chance to stay alive.

_Survive._

You stopped dead in your tracks and held your hand out, watching his lightsaber fly out of his belt and crash into your palm. "I _said_ , take me with you."


	2. Laundry

Your favorite thing about waking up in the half-built fortress of Starkiller Base was the cold. It reminded you of home. The hallways were breezy and the wind outside was unforgiving, but waking up in your quarters curled under the covers was one of your favorite parts of the day. Sometimes, in the quiet of the early morning, you'd imagine yourself in your family's hut. If you thought hard enough, you could still hear the sound of your mom preparing breakfast over the fire. 

The embers from last night's fire were dying in the small fireplace across the room as the alarm went off on your data pad. You groaned and rolled over to turn it off before jumping out of bed. The floor was icy under your feet as you crept out of your room and into the dark living space that you shared with your companions.

"Shit!" You yelled out as you tripped over a pair of boots and tried not to impale yourself on the large cleaver resting against the back of the leather couch. You had to admit, there were positives and negatives about living with six men. At least you got your own room, whereas they each had to share the three other bedrooms in the apartment amongst themselves. And, you always had someone to reach the top shelf. The negatives were... well, you almost died trying to get to the refresher in the morning. And just about everything else.

You carefully moved the cleaver a few inches back into its original position, afraid that Ap'lek might suspect that it was touched. You'd never openly admit this to anyone, but you didn't like to try the other knights' patience too much- especially when it came to their precious weapons.

You padded over to the dryer to get your clean clothes, only to discover them on top of the dryer, still soaked from the wash the night before. "What the hell?" You breathed, opening the dryer to find one lone pair of black socks. 

Clearly, the other knights didn't care at all about trying your patience.

You scrambled around trying to find something to wear to your morning training session, no longer caring if you woke up your roommates. All of your training uniforms were soaked, so you were forced to wear simple black leggings and a sports bra. You looked in the mirror, briefly thinking that it might be inappropriate, but deciding that it didn't really matter. All of the guys were so focused on going out into the galaxy and stirring up violence that they wouldn't notice the difference. And Ben--Kylo--you corrected yourself in your head--was too busy being power hungry to look at anything besides his own hair. 

You looked at your reflection and smiled to yourself at your joke. Things had changed so much in just a few years. You were no longer the skinny little girl at the Jedi Temple, begging Ben Solo to let you join the dark side. You had somehow managed to make your way into the First Order and fall into the good graces of Supreme Leader Snoke. In exchange for her life, the small, weak girl from the Temple promised to be an apprentice to Kylo Ren and join the Knights, pledging her allegiance forever to the dark side. It was almost easy to turn to the dark when the light had so casually pushed you aside. In these years you had come to think that maybe there was no good and evil, but one giant grey area where dark and light merged. 

Your hair had grown from it's short boyish cut to long, loose waves that hung passed your shoulders. Your body had filled out in ways that made you look more like a woman. You were more confident, and certainly not afraid. You wouldn't be caught dead begging Ben--er, Kylo--for anything now. After you had taken his lightsaber from him at the temple, you never looked back. If Snoke saw you as worthy to join the ranks, then you were. Plain and simple. 

The biggest difference between now and then though, was your strength. As much as Kylo Ren got under your skin, he had taught you more about winning fights than Master Luke probably ever could have. The dark side of the force was powerful, and there was no question that Kylo could wield it to his every advantage. You sometimes wondered what would have happened if you'd followed Luke into the woods instead of his hateful, unruly nephew, but you had never regretted your choice. The First Order had given you a home and purpose, and that was all you truly needed. 

The cold hallways were still pretty empty as you made your way through the base to the training room, passing the hilt of your saber back and forth between your hands. As soon as you had joined the First Order, Kylo destroyed your lightsaber from the Jedi Temple. You now carried a plain black hilted sword that emitted a red glow.

You slowly opened the door to find your teacher, dressed in his usual all black uniform, minus the arguably stupid long cape and mask that were discarded into the corner. "You're late." He was facing away from you, but you could feel the tension in the force between you. He was angry. 

"Sorry, I couldn't find-" You were cut off mid sentence when he turned around, his expression suddenly changing from rage to confusion. His dark eyes widened, raking up and down your body. You suddenly felt your face get hot as a lump formed in your throat. 

"What the hell are you wearing?" The rage was back. His long, dark waves hung around his face, casting shadows over his already dark eyes. He appeared almost demonic.

" I was SAYING that all my clothes were wet because-" Your words got quieter and quieter as you tried to explain yourself. You had known Kylo Ren long enough to know that there was little use in arguing with him. 

"Whatever." He held up a gloved hand to silence you, looking exasperated. "I really don't have time for this. Do you not realize that there are more important things going on right now? I shouldn't even have to waste my time training you anymore. You're absolutely useless to me at this point."

You started to become annoyed, suddenly not caring if you further angered him. You had proved yourself useful on a number of missions, and you were making progress in your training. "First of all, why does it even matter what I wear? And second, Snoke said-"

"I know what Snoke said, but I don't need an apprentice."

You stared at each other in annoyance for a few seconds before he crossed the room in four long strides and picked up his helmet, pulling it over his dark hair and securing it in place with a click. "Today's lesson will have to be postponed." The deep sound of the vocoder echoed through the large, empty room. "And next time, put on some actual clothes. This is an embarrassment." He slammed the door behind him.

Well, so much for progress.

When you got back to the room, some of your roommates were awake and lounging in the living room eating breakfast. When the door clicked shut, Cardo turned around, "Back already?" You watched his green eyes widen the same way Kylo's had earlier, and annoyance filled you to the brim. Despite his deep olive skin, you could tell his cheeks were red. 

"What are you wearing?" Vicrul piped up, casually taking a sip of coffee as he leaned against the wall. His dark hair was still messy from sleep.

"What, did you guys forget that I'm a girl? Have you ever seen a girl?" You marched up to Vicrul, snatching his coffee mug out of his hand and taking a sip for yourself. You relished in the surprised expression on his face. You'd always assumed the loose black uniforms of the First Order were designed by someone lazy, but now you knew they'd been designed by a woman that was tired of being looked at like a piece of meat. 

You walked toward your room, coffee still in hand. "If anyone touches my laundry again, you'll regret it. Just because you just now realized I'm a girl, doesn't mean I can't take you down."


	3. The Mission

Despite your crowded apartment on Starkiller base, you mostly kept to yourself. When you weren't training, you tended to spend time in the library or even occasionally daring to trudge out into the snow to get some fresh air. Sometimes you would eat in the cafeteria with Cardo and Vicrul, but even that sometimes felt forced. Just because they were made to accept you into their band of killers due to Snoke's demands, doesn't mean they truly saw you as a friend.

Of all the knights, Cardo was the closest you had to an actual friend. With his relaxed demeanor and easy ability to crack a smile, you felt he was the most human of them all. Cardo's kind green eyes stood out against his tan skin and unruly dark curls, and you imagined that he would fit in well on a tropical planet. You knew nothing of their lives before becoming knights, but sometimes you imagined Cardo with a curly-haired family, taking care of a beachfront shop. He went so far as to regularly invite you to go drinking with him and his brothers on your nights off, but you always declined out of politeness to the other five--you knew the environment wouldn't be the same if you were there.

Vicrul was more of an acquaintance. The tallest and leanest of the knights, he would lend a polite nod and occasionally engage in small talk, but he was often reserved when you were around. Ap'lek and Kuruk were nice enough, though you rarely saw them. They spent most of their time on the Night Buzzard modifying the weaponry, only to inevitably destroy it on the next mission.

Trudgen and Ushar were the only roommates that you truly went out of your way to avoid. Rarely seen without their armor and weapons, you had maybe only heard a few words from them since joining their ranks. Cardo did his best to assure you that it wasn't personal and that they were just very serious people. You didn't know if you believed him, but you didn't let it keep you up at night anymore. You doubted that they'd just leave you to die in battle, and that was really all that mattered.

You were laying in bed during a lazy afternoon, watching a Holodrama on your data-pad when you were interrupted by a message from Kylo Ren. He was calling the knights to an urgent meeting.

You quickly hopped out of bed and put on your simple black bodysuit and combat boots that you wore for missions. It wasn't nearly as bulky and thick as that of your comrades, allowing you the element of speed and stealth due to your smaller size. You donned your black helmet over your bun and strapped your lightsaber into your belt, catching the other knights just as they were walking out of your shared quarters.

You walked in silence with the others through the base, watching as workers were careful to jump out of the way to allow the passage of your group. Something about it made you happy, knowing you had started your life as an insignificant villager and were now fighting for the First Order. People respected you.

When you got to the meeting room, Kylo Ren was seated at the head of a long table. Two black canvas bags rested on the table in front of him. Standing in the corner, leaning against the wall, was General Hux. His face was pinched with annoyance as always. Everyone sat down wordlessly and waited for direction.

"The time has come for us to go on a hunt." Your leader spoke, his deep voice radiating through the vocoder and piercing the silence. Ap'lek ran his fingers slowly over the curved blade of his weapon. There was nothing these men loved more than tearing planets apart. "We've gotten word that the resistance is getting closer to finding Luke Skywalker."

A pit formed in your stomach. After all this time, you still couldn't hear that name without seeing the face of your former master turn away from you and leave you to die. Kylo continued: "As you know, its crucial for the success of the First Order that we eliminate him. Jedi are nothing more than a threat to this empire." He balled his gloved hand into a fist and slammed the table. Simultaneously, you heard General Hux snort.

You knew what was going to happen as soon as you heard the sound leave his mouth, but you still jumped as Kylo told ahold of Hux's neck with the force and slammed him against the very wall that he had previously lounged against. "Is there a problem, General?" Kylo didn't wait for an answer before he dropped the man to the ground and turned back to his knights. "I need something that will help me find him before the resistance does. Something that he's deeply connected to... I need my grandfather's lightsaber."

"Yes, Master." Some of the knights spoke.

"It's a smaller mission. I only need two."

Immediately, Ushar and Trudgen rose from their seats. With their sheer size and brute force, they were always Kylo's right hand men for pillaging and destruction. You were surprised when Kylo Ren put up his leather-clad hand and motioned for them to sit back down. When he pointed to you and said your name, you felt the pit in your stomach grow to the size an of ocean. The last time you'd spoken to him was at your training session mishap several days ago, and he had cancelled every session since. Surely you were still in the doghouse. There was no way he would pick you unless the mission was sure to end in your death.

"Um... what?" You muttered.

"Master Ren-" Ushar rose again, ready to plead his case.

Kylo slammed a fist on the table once again, commanding the room's attention. "You heard me. And Cardo." He slid the two black bags down the table to you and Cardo. "Meet me back here in two hours, and look the part." With that he stormed away, black cloak trailing behind him.

As soon as the door closed, Hux dared to cough.

***

As it turned out, your "part" of the mission involved a cocktail dress. It was a black silk dress with only one shoulder strap, and it clung to the curves of your body snugly. Paired with the short dress were shiny leather high-heeled boots. You wondered if this was some kind of sick joke- a punishment for the training uniform incident. You decided though that if you were going to be made a fool of- you'd at least do it in style. You curled your long hair to perfection and took great care to make sure your dark eyeliner winged perfectly. You finished the look off with a dark red lipstick. You rarely wore make-up, it wasn't practical. You had acquired a decent amount though, wandering through various cities and shopping on your days off while your fellow knights were off doing whatever they did. You assumed it involved girls and a lot of alcohol.

If this was a real mission, it surely wasn't the usual type that involved burning down buildings and shooting ships out of your path. Not that you'd complain- as much as you adored wielding a lightsaber, you were still a girl. And this was without a doubt the nicest dress that you'd ever worn.

"Woah!" You exclaimed as you walked into the living room, catching sight of Cardo. He was clean shaven, dressed in a black suit, and his dark curls had been tamed with a comb. "You look so different." The suit pulled against his muscular arms as he turned to face you.

Cardo smiled, his white teeth showing a stark contrast with his skin. You had to admit, he looked incredibly handsome. You could have imagined him surfing on a beach, but never like this. No weapon, no armor. He could be mistaken for some kind of prince. "And you look beautiful." He said, meeting your eyes sincerely.

You smiled back at him, suddenly feeling the high of excitement. You were actually going on a mission in which you would serve as an integral part, and you got to do it with the one person on Starkiller Base you truly felt comfortable around. It was your chance to really show that you were an asset to the Knights of Ren. Your chance to prove to your temperamental master that you were worth the long hours of training.

It was your chance to... find this lightsaber... so the First Order could.. kill Luke Skywalker.

The elation faded as quickly as it had come. You tried to push your complicated feelings toward Luke away and smother them with the anticipation of succeeding at your task. Snoke had warned Kylo repeatedly about the conflict between light and dark, and you had seen for yourself the ways in which the dark had been there to catch you while the light had only failed you and left you for dead. You should be happy that Luke will be eliminated.

When you and Cardo arrived back at the meeting room, your thoughts of Luke faded away as Kylo approached. No matter your feelings, you served the First Order, plain and simple. "We're ready, Master. What is the plan?" Cardo asked. You watched as Kylo looked between the two of you, making sure that everything was perfect. You couldn't see his eyes behind his mask, but you felt the burn of his stare on you for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

"Get out." The deep sound of the vocoder broke the silence, causing you to jump.

You and Cardo exchanged looks of confusion. "Cardo, get out. You're not going."

Wordlessly, Cardo turned and left the meeting room. You felt bad for him, knowing he truly didn't have a choice in the matter. Even if he wanted to put up a fight, he couldn't. Kylo had a force hold over the six men, and he was able to read their every thought and emotion. They were bound by the force to his every command.

This wasn't the first time that you were secretly grateful for your prior Jedi training, and you doubted it would be the last. You were strong enough in the force to resist the intrusion of Kylo Ren into your thoughts, and as much as you resented Luke, you had to thank him for that. The only thing that led you to follow Kylo's commands was your choice to do so- a fact which he deeply loathed and repeatedly tried to reconcile. You had lost count of the amount of times that Kylo had tried to breach your mind during your training sessions, only to be met by a brick wall.

Kylo left the room without another word, leaving you to wonder again if this was some sort of punishment for your poor behavior. Before you could spiral too much though, he returned in a black suit identical to the one Cardo had been wearing. You gasped before you could stop yourself. If you had thought Cardo looked handsome, Kylo Ren was a level you hadn't seen before. You had seen what he looked like without his mask plenty of times, but there was something about the way his hair had been carefully parted and brushed that intrigued you. You couldn't imagine the leader of the First Order taking the time do to something as frivolous as brushing his hair. For some reason, you thought of Ben Solo walking through the Jedi camp laughing with his friends.

Your master beckoned you to follow him, and you trailed him wordlessly all the way to his personal ship in the hanger bay. The click of your heels on the metal floors seemed entirely too loud.

The first thing you noticed upon boarding the ship was that there were absolutely no guards around. You were shocked as the sleek vessel took off into space holding only the two of you, Kylo in the pilot's chair and you next to him. You suddenly felt very claustrophobic, despite the empty ship.

"Um, so..." You started

"Stealth is the utmost priority. Having guards would draw too much attention." You briefly wondered if he actually could read your mind now.

"Well... what's the plan, then?" This was rare. You never went into missions blindly--they usually took days of planning and precision.

"We're going to a wedding on Takodana. It's not far. A wealthy merchant called Yazdorin is using a castle there for his daughter's marriage to one of his trade partners. The owner of the castle, the one who stole my grandfather's saber, will be off the premises. As she is thought to be force-sensitive, this is our opportunity to steal it without a fight."

"Since when do you care about putting up a fight?"

"I have a feeling the resistance will come looking for this saber, and I want them to believe it's still there." He put extra emphasis on the word "resistance," grimacing deeply. Even so, something about him was hauntingly compelling as lines of worry crossed his face. You weren't used to seeing him so... human. Even during your training sessions he was deadpan and unreadable, never letting the slightest trace of feeling cross his face- unless he was angry of course. It had been years since you last saw the faintest traces of Ben Solo, but being here with him now was eerily familiar to popular boy you once knew at the Jedi Temple. You felt the slightest whispers of pity pulling at your heart.

Kylo landed his ship smoothly on a sandy beach. The only light for miles came from what looked to be a stone castle in the distance, radiating with music and laughter.

"There's nothing Yazdorin loves more than money- but women are a close second. I'll need you to convince him to let us inside."

"Okay, what should I do once we're in?" You walked alongside Kylo, looking up at him as you moved. You had to take two or three steps for every one of his.

"Nothing. Just don't screw anything up."

Suddenly, the realization dawned on you. You stopped dead in your tracks, heels digging into the sand. The only reason why you got to come along was because Kylo Ren finally realized how you could be of use to his team: showing off your body. You couldn't even be angry at him because you practically spoon fed the idea to him.

He continued to move forward, unaware that you had stopped. You ran to catch up, blinking back the angry tears that stung your eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe that people are actually reading this. Thank you so much to the people that left kudos and bookmarked *insert crying emoji*  
> Writing this story is how I'm distracting myself from the crippling anxiety induced by my last year of medical school. :-)


	4. Liquid Courage

When you and Kylo approached the lively castle, there were a few people out in the garden stumbling around, some dancing very badly to the music that was coming loudly from the open windows. Fairy lights and flowers were strategically placed throughout the grounds, giving the atmosphere a magical vibe. Guards stood in front of the huge wooden door, looking bored as they watched the drunk guests. 

You placed an earpiece in your ear so you'd be able to communicate with Kylo before marching up to the door, swaying your hips. Kylo stood back as you placed your hand gently on one of the guards biceps. "Excuse me, Sir?" You batted your eye lashes. "I'm looking for the host of this fine party. I've been sent to give him a little gift- if you know what I mean." you winked. The guard looked at his partner and shrugged before paging someone. 

A few moments later, a large Neimoidian man dressed in red satin robes made his way to the door, his golden cat-like eyes standing out against his grayish skin. "Who said something about a present?" He grumbled in a deep voice, sloshing wine around in a large glass. 

"Um, that would be me." You waved slyly. "I've been hired to help you... celebrate to the fullest." You winked. 

He licked his lips as he stepped forward and placed his hand roughly on your shoulder. "Who's he?" He nodded past you at Kylo, skulking in the shadows. 

"Oh, don't mind him." You took his hand off your shoulder and laced your fingers through his huge, meaty ones. "He's just my driver. He's socially awkward." 

With that, you were in. You let the sleazy man Yazdorin lead you through the celebration, his large sweaty hand never leaving your ass. Kylo immediately strayed away to look for the saber once inside, and you prayed he would be quick. Surely he wouldn't expect you to actually sleep with this guy. You weren't about to lose your virginity during a service project for the First Order. Sure, you may have pledged your life to them, but you had some basic self-respect. 

The father of the bride led you to a large chair where he plopped down and pulled you onto his lap. With a snap of his fingers, you each had a drink in your hand. "Drink up, Sweetheart." He spoke into your ear before nibbling on your earlobe, causing a disgusted shiver to run down your spine. 

You took a sip of the strong alcohol and felt the burn trail down you throat and into your stomach. You scanned the large room, noticing the bride and groom dancing in center of a crowd. All different walks of life were packed onto the dance floor, sweating and grinding to the beat of the live band. Just as you were about to take a second sip, you felt another pair of eyes on you. You glanced to your left and noticed a humanoid creature with orangish skin staring at you. When you met her eyes, she quickly looked away and continued to talk with her friends at her table. 

"So, who sent you again?" Yazdorin grumbled, sliding his hand up and down your thigh. 

Shit. You turned to face him, biting your bottom lip and attempting to look seductive. "He said... hmmm... what was it? 'That old bastard will know who sent you.'" 

Now, you prayed.

The gray skinned man immediately burst into laughter. "Ah, Keev, that old quack! I should have known!" He slapped his knee forcefully, causing you to spill your drink down the front of your dress. You were soaked, but very relieved. "Oh, I'm sorry, Baby. We'll be alone soon and I can lick that sticky mess off of you."

You slid off of his lap and turned to face him, planting a quick kiss on his cheek. "Let me go clean this up, I'll be right back." You winked and sauntered away, making sure to swing you hips as much as possible.

When you were far enough away, you whispered into the communication device. "Kylo, where the fuck are you?" 

"Soon." Was the only response you got. 

You sighed and walked to the bar. If you were going to have to do this, you might as well have some liquid courage. You took a shot of something blue from one of the silver trays lining the bar. The liquid was sweet and didn't burn nearly as much as the drink that you were now wearing. You took another shot as you grabbed some napkins and dabbed your dress. 

"I don't recognize your pretty face." You looked up and saw the orange-hued woman from before, staring at you through enormous spectacles. "What's your name?" 

"Oh, I'm not a wedding guest. I'm a gift... from, uh, Keev." You shrugged and continued to dab your dress. 

"Well, nice to see you, Honey." The woman said before walking away and disappearing into the lively crowd. 

Before you started back to your "customer" you downed two more shots. It had only been a few minutes, but you were already starting to feel great. You'd never been much of a drinker, but you could see why people liked it. You floated over to Yazdorin and allowed him to grab your ass before pulling you onto his lap again. He handed you another drink, and you watched the crowd as he talked to his friends, all the while sliding his hand further and further up your thigh. 

You sipped on your drink and watched the grand room become blurry. 

Ah, this mission wasn't so bad. 

Suddenly, you were startled by a piercing noise radiating through your earpiece. It sounded like a small explosion. You jumped off of the Neimoidian's lap and ripped the small device out of your ear. "Shit!" 

He looked at you, confused. "Uh, sorry. Leg cramp?" You didn't have time to come up with a better excuse before you heard another explosion, this time much closer. The music stopped and the crowd looking around, confused. "I'll be right back." You backed away slowly, sliding the earpiece back into place. As if right on cue, you heard your boss's deep voice bound through the device: "Get back to the ship." 

You didn't have time to protest before shots rang out in the crowd, causing chaos. People were running and screaming, and you noticed the flashes of burning red approaching, bullets ricocheting off of the saber. The guards were shooting at Kylo, who expertly deflected every shot while running toward the door. You sprang into motion, grabbing your saber out of your boot and jumping into Kylo's range, deflecting shots and attempting to clear a path among the frantic crowd. 

The room was spinning as you tried to force your way past the guards that seemed to be multiplying. You smelled smoke, but couldn't see any evidence of fire. You stumbled over a chair, knocking it to the floor and falling flat on your back. You looked to your left and saw two children, no older than 5 or 6, huddling under the table crying. You laid there frozen for a split second before Kylo picked up the chair that you had tripped over and hurled it through a window, shattering the glass. Seconds later he seized your arm, launching you off the ground and toward the window. 

Not needing further instruction, you jumped through, the broken glass tearing a large slit in your dress. Kylo Ren was right behind you, landing gracefully in the grass. Kylo then used the force to effortlessly lift a large carriage and send it flying toward the broken window, blocking the path of anyone who tried to follow you as you disappeared into the dark.

***

Your head was spinning on the ride back to Starkiller. Your master was the first one to break the silence as you landed in the nearly empty hanger bay. "It was a trap," He gritted his teeth as he parked the ship. "Maz Kanada was there. She could sense us." 

You dared to ask, "Did you get the lightsaber?" 

Kylo got up from his seat and ripped his tie off, sending some of the buttons on his shirt flying. Within seconds he had his lightsaber ignited, cursing as he sliced into the wall of the ship, causing the metal to melt. You watched as he sliced clean through the pilot's seat where he sat just moments ago. 

"Fuck!" He yelled, de-activating his saber and throwing it toward the back of the ship. You kept your eyes fixed on the tiny streams of smoke coming from the singed leather seat. 

After what seemed like hours, he leaned against the wall and sighed. You looked up when you felt his eyes on you. They were fixed on your leg, where the glass had ripped a slit in your dress that ran all the way up to your hip. Watching him watch you, you slowly pulled the material of the dress to cover the red lace underwear visible through the torn fabric. 

"Are you fucking drunk?" Kylo asked, taking a step closer to you. His chest was heaving under his suit, sweating dripping down his face. His hair was unruly, his eyes wild. 

"I, well, no, I mean... the drinks were stronger than I thought." You got up slowly, trying not to stumble. Honestly, you were lucky to be alive. He was right, you were an idiot. 

He looked at you, making no effort to hide the fact that his eyes were raking up and down your body, just as they had a few days ago in the training room. In the time that you'd known Kylo Ren, he rarely ever looked at you. He certainly never spoke to you outside of your training sessions. And now he was really looking at you. You gulped, wondering if you should be more afraid of him than you truly were. It was honestly a surprise that he'd let you live this long, as much as your general presence seemed to bother him. Yet, as angry as he was, the look he was giving you now suggested he didn't want to kill you, but rather-

"Go to bed." He commanded. You let out a sigh of relief. 

You nodded and scurried away. 

***

A few days had passed and you hadn't seen a trace of Kylo Ren. He continued to cancel your daily training sessions, so you had been spending most of your time either in the gym or at the library. You were trying hard to avoid the other knights, so you would sleep in late, only daring to run on the treadmill at the gym when you knew they were at lunch already. You were sure that Kylo had communicated to them about the failure of the mission, no doubt blaming you for everything that had gone wrong.

You were in the library reading on a couch near one of the large windows when you heard the door open. You were surprised to see Cardo in the doorway, looking casual in a black polo and matching black pants. "We're going out tonight." His voice echoed through the spacious room. It was your first night off in a while, and you'd been banking on the fact that your roommates would be out so you could have the place to yourself. You planned to take a nice bubble bath and eat a lot of ice cream.

"Have fun." You waved him off. 

"You should come." He walked over to you and stood by the couch, towering over you with his large physique.

"Why? So I can be the butt of all your jokes? I pretty much failed my first mission."

"Did you personally give Master Ren the false intel that Maz Kanata would be off the premises?" 

"No, but-"

"Just come on. I think it'll cheer you up." He smiled, his perfectly white teeth glimmering in the fading light through the window.

"Cardo, when have I ever gone out with you guys? What makes you think I'll start now?" You retorted, but you couldn't help but smile back at him.

"Actually, I'm not taking no for an answer." For the first time since you'd known him, he touched you. It took you by surprise as he gently grabbed your wrists and slowly pulled you off the couch. "You're going." 

The Knights of Ren took the Night Buzzard to the nearest planet, which was an average-sized, temperate planet that they frequented since the First Order had permanently located to Starkiller Base. There were large, modern towns that had popped up quickly due to the plethora of opportunities for mining spice. Apparently, this planet had been nicknamed "The New Kessel." 

You had to admit, your counterparts could clean up nicely. Even Ushar and Trudgen had ditched their usual armor- though they were wearing belts that held several knives and a blaster. Old habits die hard, you guessed. 

You followed them down a large street that was alive with chatter and music. People were outside dining at small tables while others were dancing to the live music right there in the cobblestoned street. The scents wafting off of the fresh food made your stomach growl, and you realized you'd forgotten to eat dinner because you'd gotten so caught up in your latest novel. 

You followed the men into a large bar at the end of the right side of the street, filled to the brim with people laughing and dancing. The bass of the music thrummed in your chest, and you smiled in spite of yourself. Cardo was right, it was kind of nice to get off of Starkiller Base. For the night, you were just regular people who were allowed to have fun. 

After making your way to the bar, Ap'lek ordered a round of shots. To your surprise, he ordered 7. You felt a strange sense of belonging then, and you could hardly keep the smile off of your face. You bought another round, and Ushar actually grunted a 'thank you.' 

Eventually the knights split up and ventured away from the bar, but Cardo stayed by your side as you weaved through the crowd, trying to find a place to sit. Eventually you found a small booth and shimmied in, careful not to spill your drink on your sheer white dress. "Thank you for making me come!" You yelled to Cardo over the music. He nodded and smiled, showing those perfect white teeth again. As you looked at him sitting across from you, you couldn't help but think about how attractive he was. You thought of him again in the suit from the other night, and wondered why Kylo had made him leave the mission. 

"Why didn't you go on the mission the other night?" You yelled, taking a large sip of your drink. 

You noticed a flicker of worry across his face, but it was gone so quickly that you thought you may have imagined it. Instead of answering your question, he asked you to dance. You were feeling pretty buzzed, so that sounded like the best idea in the world. 

You lost track of the number of songs that you danced to with Cardo, swaying your bodies to the music and laughing. He grabbed your hand and twirled you around, causing you to stumble into his chest, only making the two of you laugh even more. As more songs played, your bodies inched closer together, moving in rhythm to the music. The bar became filled to the brim and people bumped into you, momentarily pushing the two of you so close together that you could feel his heartbeat in your chest. You looked up at him through your long eyelashes and before you knew it, you felt his lips crash into yours. His mouth was cold from his drink, and he tasted sweet. You parted your lips, allowing his tongue to slide into your mouth as you reached up and put your arms around his neck. 

When the song stopped, you broke apart, breathless. "I have to go to the bathroom." You blurted, before stumbling toward the back of the bar. 

You looked in the dirty bathroom mirror and hardly recognized the girl you saw staring back at you. Her curls had fallen into loose waves, her eyes were wide with excitement, and her lips were pink and swollen. You liked what you saw. 

When you left the bathroom, you couldn't find Cardo again so you sat at the bar, happily watching the others on the dance floor. You didn't know how much time had passed before Vicrul approached you, letting you know it was time to leave. He looked mildly disheveled, and the top two buttons of his shirt were undone. 

"I hope you had fun." You told him as you stumbled back to the ship. He tried to steady you by lightly holding your elbow, but you brushed him off. 

***

You weren't sure when you fell asleep on the journey home, but you were awoken by the sound of laughter and the thud of footsteps through the doors of the ship. You sat up slowly, your head spinning. "We're back already?"

"Yeah," Cardo smiled, taking a seat next you. The ship was powered down and empty of the other knights. "You basically passed out as soon as you sat down." 

"Oh." You could barely manage to sit up straight, let alone hold a conversation. You stared straight ahead, trying to focus. 

"So... I'm sorry about, uh, you know." He looked sheepish. You weren't used to seeing him look so innocent. 

"What do you mean?" You laughed, having no idea what he was referring to. A wavy lock of hair fell into your face and you tried to unsuccessfully blow it out of the way. 

He reached forward and tucked the strand of hair behind your ear, hand lingering at the side of your face. "I mean, when I kissed you." He said quietly. 

"You look like you want to do it again." You smirked, feeling bold. 

That was all it took for him to move his hand from your cheek to the back of your neck, lacing his fingers through your hair and leaning down to bring his lips to yours. The slow and gentle kiss turned more urgent, almost desperate. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he pulled you from your seat onto his lap so that you were straddling his thighs. 

A small voice in your head was telling you that this was probably a terrible idea, but a bigger part of you didn't care. This was probably the best you'd felt since joining the First Order. For the first time in forever, you could let go of your worries and just focus on something else. Something that felt good. 

You gasped as Cardo moved his lips to your neck, biting and sucking on your sensitive skin. His hands moved to the back of your dress, expertly finding the zipper and sliding the white straps off of your shoulders and down your arms. You cooperated and lifted your arms out of the dress before sliding your hands under his shirt and feeling the ripple of muscles on his abdomen. 

"What the fuck?" When you heard his voice through the vocoder you whirled around, almost falling off of Cardo's lap. You both scrambled to your feet, you trying clumsily to pull your unzipped dress up to cover your bra.

Kylo Ren stood in the doorway of the Night Buzzard, looking utterly furious. Though he was wearing his mask, you could feel his anger rolling off of him in sheets. He was gripping his lightsaber tightly in his left hand. 

"Cardo, get the fuck out." 

Without so much as a glance in your direction, Cardo stalked off the ship, careful not to get too close to Kylo as he went through the door. You slid your arms through the straps of your dress, trying not to sway too much with the motion. You suddenly felt extremely nauseous. 

"Come with me." Kylo boomed before turning on his heel and exiting the ship. 

You stumbled along after him through the long hallways, simultaneously trying not to trip in your heels and holding your dress up over your chest. It felt like forever before he led you through massive black double doors, giving way to a large living space. You eyes the expensive-looking black leather ouch and matching chair. 

"Where are we?" 

"My quarters." Kylo said before removing his mask, filling the room with the familiar hiss and click. His next phrase sounded different without the vocoder, but still just as forbidding. "I'm not going to let you go back to your room just so you can fuck Cardo." He spat. 

You had no response to that. You'd much rather lose your virginity to Cardo than the next random fat man that Kylo Ren told you to seduce on your next mission.

"You'll stay away from him from now on. I can't have my knights being distracted from the greater goal here." He raised his voice and turned away from you, breathing heavily. "Imagine if we were in battle and he had to stop to save you instead of doing his job to protect the First Order!" He knocked a lamp off of the side table next to the leather couch, causing it to shatter all over the polished floors. 

You simply stared at him, your mind far too fuzzy to really come up with a response. He sighed and turned back to look at you, shaking his head in disappointment before pointing to a room off the side of the living space. "Just go in there and go to bed."

You did as you were told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is my fave chapter so far. xo


	5. I Own You

The first thing you noticed when you woke up that morning was your pounding headache. You had no idea how much you'd drank or what time it was when you left the bar. The small amount of light peaking under the heavy black curtains was enough to make you nauseous. You needed water and about twelve more hours of sleep.

The second thing you noticed when you woke up was that you weren't in your room. The bed was huge and astonishingly comfortable. You ran your hands over the soft dark grey sheets and the plush pillows, admiring the quality. The walls were plain and the bedside tables were empty, giving no hint of personal touches to the room. Not a single item of clothing was strewn across the floor, nor was there even a charging station for a data pad lingering about. Cold and impersonal.

The third thing you noticed was that you were not alone. There was a dark figure in the doorway watching you closely.

The events of the previous night came flooding back to you then, making you cringe. The kiss with Cardo, falling asleep on the Night Buzzard, the other kiss with Cardo... Kylo Ren seeing you half naked. It was almost too painful to think about. You had no idea how you would ever be able to look Cardo in the eyes again, let alone share an apartment with him. Your embarrassment only seemed to worsen your headache, the pounding in your temples becoming almost unbearable. Kylo Ren stepped forward then, almost as if he knew that you'd just now realized where you were. It was impossible to read his expression under his helmet, but you could sense his utter disappointment.

"What time is it?" Your voice came out as a croak.

"Five."

"Kriff." You said in reply, burying your head in your hands.

"You'd better hurry, or you're going to be late for your training session." Kylo pulled open the black curtains, allowing the early morning light to flood the room. It was already extremely bright as the sun glinted off the freshly fallen white snow.

You squinted up at him through the light. "Training? I thought we weren't doing that anymore."

"And do you think--after your behavior the past few days--that you're truly good enough to fight for the First Order? You think you're strong enough?"

You bit your lip and said nothing. You were very uncomfortable. There was something so personal about being in Kylo Ren's personal quarters... in his bed. You felt as though you had gotten too close to the monster for comfort.

"You have twenty minutes to get to the training room before I throw you off of this base."

***

You showed up to the training room exactly twenty minutes later on the dot, taking great care to wear your most baggy and modest First Order uniform. The black long sleeve shirt and dark pants hung loosely on your small frame, almost swallowing you. Your hair was tied in a messy knot on the top of your head, and your cheeks were rosy after scrubbing your make-up off from the night before. There was no way you could possibly be in trouble for looking like this.

"I'm ready." You stated, gripping your lightsaber with sweaty palms.

With a wave of his hand, Kylo closed the door to the training room forcefully. "Are you sure?" The deep sound of the vocoder echoed through the empty room. The fluorescent lights shone brightly on the white walls, and you squinted at him through your hangover.

"I think so."

He didn't hesitate before igniting his lightsaber and starting toward you menacingly. You scrambled to ignite your own red blade and jump out of his way. You assumed you would at least start by warming up or something, not just launching into full blown combat. You could barely think straight, let alone try to put up a fight against the leader of the First Order.

You tried to go low for your first move and aim for the back of his legs, but he easily knocked you back. "I might not be able to read your mind, but you're so predictable."

You started toward him again, switching your saber into your left hand at the last minute and aiming high, which he deflected almost lazily. "Why don't you try some moves I haven't taught you?" He asked as he started toward you again. You ducked and rolled on the floor, wincing as your shoulder slammed into the hard wood. You were definitely off your game today.

You sprang to your feet, feeling nauseous again. You went to attack him a third time, and he surprised you by simply reaching out and grabbing your forearm, easily knocking the saber from your grasp. It was deafening as it slammed to the ground. "Too easy." You could hear a smile in his voice. You stood your ground, fists up.

He wasted no time raising his hand and sending you flying across the room, back pinned against the wall by the force. He walked toward you slowly, holding you there tightly. When he was within arms length he held the red blade of his lightsaber inches from your face, the warmth of it causing you to sweat. The buzzing was ringing in your ears as you breathed heavily, unable to break free and fight back. You tried to use the force yourself to push him away, but your brain was too exhausted.

He abruptly de-activated his saber and tossed it to the ground, causing another unpleasantly loud sound to reverberate through the large empty room. He then lifted his helmet off his head, revealing the dark waves of hair that framed his angular face. He bent down until he was eye level with you, just inches away from your face. You could feel his warm breath on your cheeks, the smell of mint and leather mingling in the air between you. He was no longer holding you to the wall with the force, but the fire in his dark eyes was enough to keep you locked into place.

"Too easy." He said again, quieter this time. He brought a hand up to the collar of your shirt, fingering the cotton. When the tips of his knuckles brushed against your neck, your skin burned. "I think I actually liked your other uniform better." He murmured.

You wanted to come up with a sassy remark, but your mind was unable to process the situation. You were intoxicated by his breath on your cheeks, suddenly forgetting about your hangover all together. You felt as though you were about to melt onto the floor. This felt far too intimate, just as this morning had when you woke up in his quarters. He was your master, but in truth, you hardly knew him. Now, you were so close that you could see flecks of lighter brown in his eyes. You noticed several faint freckles that spotted his cheeks. It didn't seem natural to be sharing the same breath in such a confined space.

It didn't seem safe.

He pressed his hands against the wall on either side of your head as his eyes continued to bore into you. Suddenly, you knew what he was trying to do.

And he had almost been successful.

After a moment, he broke away, balling his hands into fists. "Damn it!"

"I'm s-sorry." You didn't want to admit how close he had been to breaching the gates that closed your mind off to him. You had felt him for a moment, his energy slowly beginning to seep into your head. You felt exposed and for some reason, ashamed. You knew that on some level you wanted to please him, just as you had once wanted to please Master Luke. You wouldn't admit that to yourself though--the thought of earning praise from Kylo Ren was laughable.

You took a step toward him but he held out his hand, once again pinning you to the wall. He closed the gap between you in two strides before gripping your arm in his enormous leather-clad hand. "I might not be able to break you, but you're still mine. Do you understand that?"

You nodded.

"You don't belong to anyone but me."

You opened your mouth to respond, but you felt his mouth crash down on yours with such a force that it caused your head to snap back against the wall with a thud. You felt as if his energy was flowing into you as the force around you became filled with impossibly strong emotion.

Frustration.

Anger.

Dominance.

There was something else you couldn't quite place...

The way he kissed you was rough and hungry, such a stark contrast to the light hearted kiss that you had shared with Cardo. Last night had been stupid and fun, but this was intense and terrifying.

And thrilling.

You couldn't rationalize the situation. You could only respond to the emotions you felt flowing from him. You tried to grab onto him to steady yourself, and he responded by snaking his arm around your waist, locking you in closer. You had never before felt the force carry such an all consuming aura.

Your heart was beating out of your chest as you pressed yourself into him, trying to get as close as possible. His hunger had overpowered you, suddenly causing you to feel just as desperate. Just as tumultuous.

You sighed into his mouth as his tongue danced across your bottom lip. Your hands were in his hair, holding onto fistfuls of his dark waves. He used the arm that was around your waist to lift you up effortlessly, and in one swift motion your legs were wrapped around his waist as he pressed your back harder into the wall.

You couldn't think straight. His energy was overpowering. You needed him.

You felt a large leather hand slip under your loose shirt, his thumb just barely teasing the underside of your bra. You gasped as he pulled his lips away and moved them to your neck, biting you hard. He sucked on your skin so fiercely it was sure to leave bruises. You didn't care. You wanted him to do it even harder. You needed it. You relished in the wetness that was starting to form quickly between your thighs, your body begging for him to touch every inch of you.

He brought his mouth back to yours, absolutely crushing your lips. You pulled his hair, pleading for him to somehow get closer. You kissed him as if you needed him more than oxygen, drinking in the smell of leather and the faint taste of mint on his tongue.

When he pulled away, he dropped you abruptly. The overwhelming force of emotion was torn away from you, making your head spin. It was all you could do to keep upright and not sink to the floor. You suddenly felt very cold and empty.

He looked down at you, expressionless, as if he hadn't almost ripped your clothes off right here in this room. "I could feel that you wanted to let me in, but I still couldn't get there." He stated matter-of-factly.

Your mouth fell open in shock. "You did that just to see if you could get into my mind again?" You asked breathlessly, still panting. You suddenly felt hurt.

There it was again, energy radiating off of him- the anger, the frustration, and... what was it?

"I did it because on this base, you answer to me. If I ever see you with Cardo again, you'll regret it."

...Jealously?

***

When you got back to your room, you were still reeling from the events of the morning. You couldn't shake the feeling of his tongue exploring your mouth, his hand teasing you below the line of your bra. It was as if everywhere he had touched you tingled with electricity. You needed more.

You weren't sure if the emotions you had felt from him were real, or if they had been fabricated to try to break your barriers in order to gain access to your thoughts. You guessed the latter. It was clear that he wanted complete and utter control of his knights at all times. And, if the emotions you had felt were real, there was no way he'd let you of all people be privy to them.

To be fair, he was right about you and Cardo. You shouldn't be distracted. Taking down the resistance needed to be on the forefront of everyone's mind.

Fuck.

The only thing on the forefront of your mind was Kylo Ren taking off your clothes and touching every inch of your body. You had no idea where these thoughts were coming from. You'd never thought of your boss that way until now. In fact, you'd never really thought of anyone that way. Sure, you'd had crushes in the past, but Cardo was actually only the second person you had ever kissed. No one had ever even seen you naked.

You quietly padded over to your door and locked it before jumping under your covers. If you didn't do this, you were sure you'd never focus on a mission again. You were quite grateful that your master was unable to sense your thoughts as you pictured him in your mind while your fingers desperately slid between your folds. You grabbed a fistful of sheets, wishing it was his hair. You imagined his large hands, his fingers finding your most sensitive area. You were beginning to feel the warmth building in your lower abdomen as you moved your fingers faster. "Kylo..." You breathed, imaging his lips on your neck...

"Hey are you in there?" Cardo knocked softly at your door, calling your name.

"Kriff!" You yelled, the perfect images you'd conjured slowly fading away. "What, Cardo?" You snapped.

"Just seeing if you wanted to grab breakfast?"

You groaned. "I can't right now. I'm really tired."

"Please?" His voice became softer. "I really need to talk to you."

"Fine," You sighed, "Just a second."

You walked in silence to the dining hall, your mind still focused on Kylo Ren. You were far too distracted to even be embarrassed about your drunken escapades with Cardo anymore. Of all ways Kylo could get into your head- why that? You'd assumed that he would naturally resort to torture before anything else. Although, maybe this was a certain kind of torture--knowing you'd had a taste of that and you'd never be able to experience more.

You played around with the food on your tray and replayed the scene from earlier in your head over and over and over again. You knew you should probably try to talk to Cardo to reconcile the events of last night, but you couldn't find anything to say.

Cardo said your name, snapping you out of the haze. "Uh, sorry, I was just thinking about something."

"I said, did you get in a lot of trouble last night?"

"Oh, um, no. Not really."

"I waited for you, but you never came back." You looked at him in surprise. You hadn't expected him to really care what happened afterwards, you'd assumed that you were both just drunk and being stupid.

"Ah, well.. Master Ren doesn't want us to have any kind of... relationships." You put air quotes around the word "relationships." "It would be too complicated if a situation ever arose where it came down to choosing between the other person or the First Order."

"I know. When we first joined him, he told us that we weren't to ever lay a hand on you. He was very serious about it. I am really sorry... I don't know what happened. You looked so beautiful and carefree, and I had never seen you like that. I got carried away." His bright green eyes shone with sincerity.

You reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "Hey, it's okay. We were both being stupid. Let's just put it behind us." You smiled.

"Of course." He nodded, smiling in return.

***

You were about to doze off for the night when your data pad beeped loudly, alerting you to an urgent message from none other than Kylo Ren. You tried to ignore the fact that your heart skipped a beat when you saw his name on the screen.

'Report to my quarters immediately.'

You got out of bed and changed into another loose-fitting First Order uniform. As you walked through the quiet base to his quarters, you tried to tame your long hair back into a braid.

You stood outside the black double doors and took a few deep breaths before knocking. Your heart was beating loudly in your ears as the doors swung open, revealing your master in his full garb, helmet and all. You stared up at his massive figure, not knowing what to say. You briefly wondered if he ever took his uniform off, even to sleep.

"Are you just going to stand there?" He asked angrily.

"Sorry." You took a timid step inside and Kylo immediately locked the door behind you. He stalked over to the living space and peered out the window at the snow covered night. You followed him but maintained a safe distance, willing your palms to stop sweating.

"I thought I told you to stay away from Cardo." He broke the silence after a few moments, still looking out the window as he spoke.

"I did? I mean, we just had lunch."

"Then why could I hear his thoughts about you across this entire fucking base?" He asked, finally turning to face you. You stared at his helmet, not quite knowing where his eyes were. "He was practically screaming."

Your first instinct was to apologize, but you willed yourself to stand your ground. Despite what happened last night and this morning, you refused to be blamed for the entire situation. That fact that Cardo thought you looked nice during a night on the town was really none of Kylo's concern. It was a stupid drunken mistake, not the impending destruction of the entire First Order. And, if he wanted to use your body for the sake of finding his grandfather's stupid lightsaber, he would have to deal with the consequences. "Why do you care? Are you jealous that he has more game than you?"

You watched him stay completely still, the sound of his breathing the only thing penetrating the deafening silence. As the seconds ticked by, you became more irritated.

"You know I can take whatever I want." He said, taking a step toward you.

You shrugged and tapped the side of your head. "Anything but what's in here."

Before you could blink his hand was around your neck, black leather fingers digging into your skin. You gasped, your hands instinctively grabbing his arm and trying unsuccessfully to pry his grasp from your windpipe. "Not so tough are you now, little girl? You've made some very bad choices in the past twenty four hours, and now I'm going to have to punish you."


	6. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! TW: Sexual content, dubious consent !!

"Take off your clothes." He commanded, hand still wrapped around your throat.

Your mouth fell open. "W-what?" You stammered, eyes widening in shock. Of all the things you'd expected him to say, that wasn't one of them.

He released you and you took a step backward, gasping. Your fingers grazed your neck where his hand been gripping you seconds ago. Your heart was pounding, and you weren't sure if it was from excitement or fear.

"You heard me."

As far as you could see, there were only two situations in which Kylo Ren would call you to his quarters and command you to undress: the first situation was that he was probably going to try to catch you off guard again in an attempt to penetrate your mind. The second situation was that you must have hit your head when you were drunk, ended up in a coma, and were having some sort of weird dream in an alternate reality. Both seemed equally plausible.

You were torn. On one hand, the earlier events of the day had left you sexually frustrated. On the other hand, you didn't particularly want the leader of the First Order to rummage through your every thought and memory. It terrified you how close he had gotten earlier that day in the training room. While you had never actively tried to resist his attempts to enter your mind in the past, you had been grateful that you had some element of privacy. You tried hard enough to forget where you had come from, and you didn't need to explain your pathetic past to someone else. You never really expected him to figure out a way in, which was obviously a huge lapse in judgement on your part.

At that moment, you decided you weren't going down without a fight. You could resist him if you tried hard enough.

Before you could fully figure out exactly how you would manage to keep him out of your thoughts, your shaking hands reached down to peel off your black socks. You needed to buy yourself some time. You looked up at him and smirked defiantly.

"Stop trying to tease me, little girl. Hurry up." His deep voice sounded strained through the vocoder.

You gulped, trying to ignore the fact that while your stomach was in knots, you could feel a pulsing sensation building quickly between your legs. You needed to focus. You couldn't let him get to you. Whatever this tactic was, you couldn't let him catch your mind off guard.

Cheeks burning, you tried to squeeze your thighs together tightly as you fumbled to get your shirt over your head. All the while he watched you, the only sound in the room was his breathing echoing through the mask. You felt all your good sense wavering as you unbuttoned your pants and slid them down your legs. Obviously you had felt sexual attraction before, but never like this. You were almost too overwhelmed by the sheer memory of his lips against yours, your body practically begging for him to do it again.

You stood there in front of him in a simple black bra and underwear as goosebumps spread along your arms. Your master reached out and lightly ran his leather clad fingers from your shoulder down to your wrist. Everywhere he touched you felt like fire had ignited your skin. You bit your lip and tried not to gasp at the sensation. You didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing what he was doing to your body.

"All of your clothes."

"Look, if this is some kind of punishment just because-" Your body was begging you to shut up and let him do whatever it was he wanted with you, but your stubborn half continued to stand firm. Part of you still saw him as Ben Solo, and you and Iyra used to make fun of the other girls at the Jedi temple that would throw themselves at him. If she could see you now, squeezing your legs together at the sheer thought of him, she would kill you.

"Now." He stepped forward, grabbing your arm tightly, fingers digging into your skin.

Ah, shit.

In minutes, you were standing in front of the most powerful man in the galaxy, completely exposed. You crossed your arms over your chest in embarrassment and bit your lip. Nobody had ever seen you naked before. What if he didn't like what he saw?

Wait, stop, it doesn't matter. Who cares, right?

"Walk to the bedroom."

You felt his eyes on your back as you slowly padded back to the plain bedroom from the night before, your toes sinking in to the soft carpet. You kept your eyes fixed on the large bed as you felt him creep up behind you. You tried to take deep, even breaths.

"Lie down on the bed."

You hesitated, looking over your shoulder at him. Should you tell him you had never done this before? "I-" You started, but the wind was knocked out of you when Kylo raised his hand and used the force to push you roughly on the bed. Your head bounced with the impact, despite the softness of the mattress.

You tried to sit up to cover yourself, but your arms were being held tightly at your sides. He approached you slowly, taking his time as he gently trailed his gloved fingers down the side of your outer thigh. You watched him take off only the glove of his right hand and repeat the motion. You were acutely aware of the way his rough, warm hands felt against your skin. You balled your hands into fists and tried to think clearly.

"Are you really not even going to let me move?" You asked, trying to fight against the power that was holding you down to the bed. All you could do was raise your head and attempt to make eye contact with the man behind the mask. In a normal situation you'd have been able to combat his force hold on you, but you couldn't concentrate enough to wield the energy around you.

"Oh, you mean this isn't this what you wanted? With the way you responded to me in the training room, I would have thought otherwise..." He moved his hand to the inside of your thigh and very slowly moved up. You could almost feel his snarky satisfaction as he slid a single finger between your folds and brought it back out to find it covered in wetness. You turned away and faced the wall, feeling your cheeks turn hot.

Shit, shit, shit.

"See? I knew it was what you wanted." He moved his finger back in and started to rub slow circles around your clit. "I knew you'd inevitably become an issue for my Knights..." He drawled on, moving his finger, seeming completely unfazed by the situation. Meanwhile, you squirmed beneath his touch, trying to ignore the tingles of pleasure you felt bubbling under your skin. "What, with those lips..." With his other hand, he pulled your bottom lip with his thumb. You tasted leather. "And this body..." He trailed his gloved hand from your lips down to your breast, rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

You continued to look away, biting the inside of your cheeks until you tasted blood. You really didn't want him to see what he was doing to you.

"But I didn't realize that you would be such a little slut."

Your head snapped toward him. "Hey! I- Ah!" Your complaint was cut off by Kylo's finger entering your body. The abruptness of it was painful first, but it lessened as he moved his finger in and out while using his thumb to continue rubbing circles around your sensitive nub.

"I-I-" You tried to form an argument, but you couldn't focus through the warmth building in your lower abdomen. His thumb was speeding up. Your whole body shivered with bliss.

"Hmm.." He slowly eased another finger in and you flinched in discomfort, squirming under his touch. "You're smaller than I would have thought."

"I-I'm not," Your legs were starting to shake with the effort of trying to resist him. "A s-slut."

He leaned closer to you, resting his left arm near your head. He remained perfectly silent as he began pumping in and out of you with his fingers, faster and faster. "I-ah," You couldn't focus. You were about to explode with pleasure. You raised your hips off the bed, trying to increase the pressure of his thumb on your clit. You looked at him, wide eyes pleading. You were breaking, you didn't care if you exposed your mind to him, you needed this.

"Do you want to cum?" He asked flatly. You opened your mouth to say yes but all that came out was a small moan.

Abruptly, he pulled his hand away, stood up, and wiped his fingers on his pants.

"What the hell?" You gasped, trying to sit up but realizing the force was still pinning you to the mattress. Your body was aching for a release.

"I said I was going to punish you."

"I'm not a slut!" You exclaimed, skin flushing with frustration. You felt like you were going to explode; if you couldn't release the energy inside of you in a good way, it would surely find another way to boil over. "I've never even had sex!" You yelled, fighting back strongly against the force that was holding you down.

He must have been surprised at your confession because you were able to spring up easily from the bed, scrambling to your feet in front of him. You pointed at him, prodding his chest with your finger. "You think you can just-"

Your moment of power was over as quickly as it had come. In the blink of an eye you were sprawled back on the bed, but this time your wrists were pinned above your head by Kylo's gloved hand. You thrashed around, trying to get free. "Just because you can't get inside my head doesn't mean you can just do whatever you want in order to make it happen! You think you can just use me to seduce random guys on your stupid missions but then punish me because you think I'm a slut?!"

He silently watched as you exploded at him, but he didn't loosen his grip on your wrists. "And anyways," you continued, figuring that you were already screwed so you might as well keep going down the rabbit hole, "I'm fed up with the fact that all of you guys hate me for no reason. The only person on this damn ship that's ever been remotely friendly with me is Cardo! And now you're punishing me for being a slut? I don't see you punishing him! Or the rest of the knights for that matter. They go out drinking all the time and do whatever they want." You huffed, glaring up at him. You felt like a child throwing a temper tantrum, but you couldn't help it.

"Are you done?" He asked, completely serene.

You ripped free of his grasp once again and sprang to your feet, but his arm was around your waist in seconds, pulling you to him. He held you there tightly, your bare back against his fully clothed chest. You felt his other arm move, then heard the familiar hiss and click of his helmet. Despite your fury with him, your stomach filled with butterflies.

You felt his lips move to your ear, his warm breath caressing your skin. "Tell me you don't want this then." He murmured into your ear. One hand held you tightly to him while the other traced your thigh lightly. "Tell me you don't want this and I'll just let you go."

Now was your chance. You could go. "I-"

He slid one finger between your folds, slowly rubbing your sensitive area. You suddenly melted into a puddle in his arms. "Tell me you want this." He whispered. "Tell me you want me to punish you."

Fuck. Maybe you really were a slut.

"I...I want this." You whispered, amazed at how quickly you had become absolutely soaking wet.

He sped up then, massaging your clit while he held you there. He leaned his head over and started to kiss your neck, sucking and biting and sending shivers down your spine. Your legs began to quiver and he held you tighter, moving his hand lower so he could slowly pump one finger in and out of you.

You sighed and leaned your head back against his chest, inhaling the intoxicating scent of him. Your legs shook as you felt the bliss overcome your senses.

...and then you were on the floor.

"What the hell?" You gasped, looking up at the man who was smirking at you. You could sense the amusement in his dark eyes.

"You can finish when I say you can finish." He growled as he roughly grabbed your arm. "Get on your knees."

You did just that, looking up at him innocently through your long eyelashes. Your mouth nearly fell open as he ripped off his other glove before roughly unbuttoning his black pants. You had never actually seen a penis in front of you, just on shows and in some books. Despite your limited experience however, you imagined that the one in front of you now was particularly large. You noticed a small bead of wetness on the tip.

He positioned his erection inches from your face. "Open your mouth."

You did, surprised at the salty taste on your tongue. You could feel the pulse of his veins in your mouth.

"You weren't kidding, you actually are a virgin." He touched your chin with his fingers, tilting your head up so that you could meet his eyes. "You have to suck."

You started to suck, slowly at first, figuring out that you could elicit a moan from him when you ran your tongue along the tip. He grabbed your hair at the back of your head and held you firmly in place as he picked up the pace and began thrusting in and out of your mouth. It surprised you at first, but he was holding you so tightly that you couldn't manage to back up. He spoke to you in breathless waves between thrusts, "You think--you can--try to--fuck someone else--and then--fuck me."

As his thrusts became deeper, he hit the back of your throat. You gagged, spit spilling from the corners of your mouth. He moaned deeply as he pulled your hair harder, not allowing you to break away and catch your breath. "But. You're really. Just. A tease."

Tears sprung from your eyes as he pounded into your throat roughly. Suddenly he made a gutteral sound as you felt him tense up. Before you realize what was happening, hot and salty cum filled your mouth, running down your throat and seeping from the sides of your mouth as he rode out his orgasm. You drooled and sputtered, but you weren't able to break free of his grasp. When he was done, his dick still in your mouth, he tilted your chin up to him once again. You sighed heavily through your nose as you tried desperately to catch your breath. "When I take this out of your mouth, you swallow."

You nodded pathetically. And when he pulled out, you gulped down the rest of the hot liquid that hadn't managed to escape down your chin. "Good girl." He said in a soft voice, stroking your cheek. "Now you're starting to understand that you're going to do what I say."

You couldn't formulate a response. He was right, you had indeed let him win. You couldn't imagine how pathetic you looked, kneeling there with dribbles of cum and saliva on your chin, tears in your eyes, lips swollen from sucking your boss' dick. Your throat was raw from the way he had pounded into you... and you liked it.

He pulled you up by your forearms--surprisingly gently--and led you a few steps over, back to the bed. "Lie down."

With him holding your hands above your head as he did before, he began to touch you. Your cheek, your breast, your inner thigh. You felt your swollen clit longing for him.

"If you want to cum, you have to beg." He slid his fingers between your folds once again, finally giving your sensitive area the level of pressure it was needing so badly. You wanted to tell him no, you wouldn't beg him for anything, but your lips simply parted in a sigh.

As he moved faster, you raised your hips off the bed, arching your back.

"Beg."

"N-n.."

His fingers worked your body faster, harder. "Beg or I'll stop." He breathed.

You squirmed. "Please.." you moaned.

"Louder."

"Please-let me cum." You gasped.

"Who are you talking to?" His fingers began to slow down, testing you again, and you tried to grind your hips into his hand.

"Please, Master Ren, let me cum." You pleaded.

"Good girl." He said simply before thrusting two of his fingers inside of you as he rubbed your swollen nub.

It didn't take long. Your legs shook as you moaned loudly, practically convulsing as you enjoyed your long awaited orgasm. Every nerve cell in your body tingled with bliss. You clenched and tightened around his fingers that continued to move inside of you.

When it was over, you opened your eyes and looked at him as you laid there, breathing hard. His face was pensive, unreadable. Before you could even manage to sit up, he was off the bed and snapping his helmet into place over his sweaty hair. You watched as he zipped his pants up, wiped his hand on the sheets, and once again donned his black leather gloves.

You didn't know what to expect after getting fingered by the most powerful man in the galaxy, but it wasn't this. "I'll see you in the morning for your training session." With that he turned and left the room, leaving you alone and naked on his bed. If you thought you had felt emptiness when he pulled away from you in the training room earlier, it was nothing compared to this. You suddenly felt very cold and very lonely- two feelings you should have been used to by now. You supposed you had no one to blame but yourself, you did beg for it.

***

_You walked through the large, dark room trying to adjust your eyes to the dim lighting. Very few rays of sun slipped through the cracks in the high ceilings and spread their light over the ruins and rubble. This place was familiar, but you couldn't place it. Something about the scattered metal, the old ship parts..._

_You heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps in the distance and looked around, ready to put up a fight. Your hand instinctively flew to your belt, ready to ignite your weapon. However, you were met with only the soft feel of your pajamas. You looked down at your legs, clad in nothing but short black shorts and some old, tattered socks. The cold crept up your bare skin suddenly and intensely, as if you only just now realized you were freezing._

_You listened to the footsteps coming toward you as you watched your breath form clouds in the frigid air._

_"You're still a fighter, I see." The familiar voice made the hair on the back of your neck stand up. You slowly turned to your right and saw a figure standing there, hidden under long brown robes._

_"Master Luke."_

_He stepped forward, close enough that you could now make out the shape of his beard and the glimmer of his eyes. "What do you want?"_

_"Actually, I think the question is, what do YOU want?" He always used to do that--answer questions with questions. He would say it encouraged critical thinking. You used to think he was a genius, but now you found yourself completely disgusted by him._

_"What are you talking about?" You snapped, crossing your arms over your chest tightly in an attempt to keep warm._

_"Well, the girl I found in this place so many years ago wanted to be a Jedi. She believed in the power of light over dark." Then it hit you. This horrible, damp place... it used to be your home. When your village had turned their backs on you, you would wonder between these ruins and various caves, hunting for food in the frozen wasteland and trying to survive. You had never wanted to see this place again. It was too painful._

_"And where have you been? You're the one that left! Never mind me, you left Ben!" You raised your voice at him._

_"It was a mistake... I thought he was already too far gone."_

_"Yeah, well, he was right to leave anyway. And I was right to follow him instead of an old quack like you."_

_He stepped forward, holding his hands up as if surrendering. "It was a mistake. I think there's still good in him-"_

_"No there isn't." You snapped._

_"Please, you're the only one close to him that remembers who he once was... you could try to get him to see reason. I know he's looking for me. But I also know there's still light in both of you, it's not too late-" he was speaking rapidly now, pleading. You had never seen him so weak. You knew in your heart that you were right to leave with Kylo Ren years ago, this groveling man in front of you could not be trusted._

_"You always told us that we needed to commit ourselves to what we believe in. Well, that's what I'm doing." This time, you walked away from him._

***

You sat up in your bed, shivering uncontrollably. You had never felt a dream so powerful and vivid. You could have sworn Luke had been right there in front of you, so close you could have touched him. Your chest ached at the memory of your old "home" among the frozen rubble. It had been awhile since you had dreamed of that particular place.

As you crawled out of bed with intent to head to the kitchen, your foot crunched on the carpet. Looking down, you noticed that your old socks were not only wet, but covered in particles of ice and snow.

You ran through the base, the sound of your wet socks slopping onto the neatly polish floors. The only people around were the stormtroopers on night patrol that stared at you as you flew past them. Before you knew it, you were banging on the wide double doors that had looked so foreboding just hours earlier. Whatever complications had recently evolved between you and Kylo Ren, your unabashed loyalty remained with the First Order.

"Master Ren! Kylo! Open up!" You pounded.

The door swung open forcefully to reveal the man you were looking for, bleary eyed and half naked. Your eyes trailed from his bare feet up to his black pants that hung low on his waist, to his muscular broad chest. His hair was sticking out at strange angles, and you felt the urge to run your hand through it.

"What do you want?"

"I know where Luke Skywalker is hiding."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter 😈 I feel like I'm going to hell but it's fine. I think the next chapter is going to be from Kylo's POV because there are 2 sides to every story right? 
> 
> I also don't know how ~accurate~ Kylo's relationship with Rey will be in this fic because I'm starting to actually like y/n.


	7. Home Sweet Home

_** Kylo **_

As the most powerful man in the galaxy looked down at the girl standing in front of him, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of something other than hatred. That was new for him.

She was clad in nothing but a huge white t-shirt and short black shorts that were barely visible under the long hemline. Her hair was piled in a messy knot on the top of her head, and her neck was covered in small purple splotches that hinted at the beginning of bruises. Something about those purple spots gave Kylo satisfaction... knowing he put them there.

If someone would have told him all those years ago, when he had left the Jedi camp, that he would feel anything but hatred for the little girl that followed him to the dark side, it would have been utterly laughable. Heck, not even laughable, purely absurd. But things had somehow gotten... _complicated_. Out of hand. She had gotten under his skin. Like moss on the side a tree, he could try to scrape it off but it would unfailingly grow back—this time sturdier and more persistent.

That's how she was. Utterly persistent. And the worst part was, she didn't even know it. Her mind was a blank, black wall. It stood in front of him constantly, baiting him, mocking him for his shortcomings. He could extend the tendrils of his powerful force control throughout the base, feeling for any disturbance, and he would meet the wall.

It threw him off. It had thrown him off for years now.

It reminded him of his weakness.

He could have—should have—killed her back at the temple, but he wasn't in the right frame of mind. He'd conceded and allowed her to follow him to Snoke, assured that the Supreme Leader would take care of it for him. Surely he would have no use for a scrawny orphan girl from God knows where... Much to Kylo's dismay, Snoke had sensed her strength in the force.

_"I see you've brought a guest." Snoke mused in his usual slow and drawling way. Kylo was already annoyed. Of course he would comment on the stupid girl instead of congratulating his prodigy on making the irrevocable decision to commit to the dark side for good._

_"My apologies, Supreme Leader." He cleared his throat. "She insisted."_

_"And you couldn't bother yourself to put up a fight against a little girl?" Kylo swallowed, trying to gain control of his emotions._

_"I-"_

_His explanation was cut off by his annoying shadow, who had kneeled to the ground in some stupid show of submission. "With all due respect, Supreme Leader, I would like to join your ranks."_

_Snoke laughed then, a rare sound. Kylo Ren looked at his shoes, avoiding the dark eyes of his master. Maybe he should have also kneeled before the powerful man, but it would look bad to do it now._

_"I'll make you a deal," Snoke looked at the girl with a sinister grin. "If you can beat him_ _in a duel_ _again, just as you did this morning, I'll allow you to live."_

_Kylo pressed his lips into a thin line. Of course Snoke knew about the training session at that god-forsaken Jedi camp. For the millionth time in his life, he cursed Luke Skywalker. This was supposed to be his moment of truth, but it was already going awry. Kylo's mind was tumultuous, an ocean of doubt and fear and anger._

_The little girl was on her feet in seconds, squaring up to face him. She was almost half his size and thin as a rail. Luke ha_ _d_ _probably picked her up from a starving orphanage in the shittiest corner of the galaxy._

_She put up a fair fight against him for a while, though they both knew that Kylo was stronger. He had her from behind, arm around her waist, lightsaber blazing inches from her throat. Kylo looked up at his master, simultaneously asking for permission and reassurance._

_"Go on," Snoke commanded, "Kill her. I'm growing bored of this."_

_As Snoke was speaking though, she bit_ _Kylo's_ _hand so hard that her teeth sunk all the way through his skin. When he let go in surprise, she took her bony knee to his groin. She smiled a sinister smile as he crashed to his knees, his blood staining her teeth. As small and feeble as she appeared, she was a survivor and she would do whatever it took to live another day._

_Snoke's next words rang in his ears for days: "Get up, boy! I've found you an apprentice."_

Kylo Ren's apprentice spoke then, yanking him out of his painful memories. Kylo shook his head, willing himself to focus. "What?"

She threw her hands up in the air in exasperation and shouted at him. "I said know where Luke is!"

"Thats impossible. How could you know that?" He turned up his nose, annoyed.

"I saw him! I thought it was a dream, but it wasn't. He contacted me through the force somehow!" She spoke rapidly, continuing to throw her hands wildly in the air.

Shit.

He did his best to keep his face passive and emotionless. Kylo Ren would never admit that he too had once been contacted in a dream by Luke Skywalker, shortly after he had joined Snoke. It was Luke's shitty attempt at an apology, laced with blame and fear. Kylo had sensed that Luke was only there at the urging of his twin sister.

Pathetic.

And even more pathetic, Kylo's own father was no where to be seen. He wasn't even pretending to give a shit. Typical.

Since that dream, he had worked tirelessly to maintain a closed mind, impenetrable to even the man who had managed to defeat Darth Vader. Hearing her words right now made Kylo nauseous. He was supposed to be her teacher. He was supposed to prevent this from happening. Yet, he had been too preoccupied by trying to get _in_ to her mind instead of protecting it from the enemy. He added this to the list of reasons why he hated her.

He had made it a personal goal to rid himself of this girl since the day they had been bound together by the Supreme Leader. Kylo had commanded the Knights of Ren to keep their distance, to never befriend her. Don't touch her. Don't get to know her. She was expendable. If he managed to keep her isolated and afraid, she would never last here.

In addition, he had put her to through rigorous training sessions, never allowing even a hint of appreciation to cross his face. As far as he was concerned, she would never be good enough for the First Order. She was only here out of dumb luck. He had kept her from successful missions, and he ignored her all together outside of training. All the while--unbeknownst to her--he was reaching out with his mind, using the force to attempt to gain access to her weakest points.

As much as he wanted to forget she was even living on this base, every time he hit that thick black wall, he became enraged. He was torn between hate and morbid curiosity. What could possibly be in her head that he wasn't meant to see?

It had grown to an obsession of his, somewhat akin to ridding this galaxy of the Skywalkers. Making her disappear had been his original goal, but over the past three years, he had involuntarily put that on the back burner. He _needed_ to find out why he couldn't read her thoughts. By the grace of his training from Snoke, he had been able to harness immense power. He had claimed ships, cities, even entire planets for the First Order. Everything he had ever wanted was his for the taking... except her. And it drove him fucking crazy.

Yet, here she was. Impenetrable and still just as annoying. And even more, she was beginning to get to his Knights. He could sense that some of them had actually began to care whether she lived or died, especially fucking Cardo. The way that he thought about her made Kylo furious. Cardo constantly thought about her big shining eyes, her long wavy hair, her voice--consequentially making Kylo think about her goddamn eyes, hair, and voice. How could Cardo possibly _like_ her after what she was doing to his master? If anything, he should know that she was nothing more than a threat to Kylo's power...

And yet.

His mind was now filled with the memory of her legs wrapped around his waist. Her deep sighs as she writhed with pleasure on his mattress. The delicate curve of her breasts. The way she felt, tightening around his fingers. The way she had gazed up at him with his dick in her mouth... She certainly wasn't a little girl anymore. Kylo knew it was a mistake to cut through his hate with... well, whatever it was he felt now. Not hate.

No.

He felt nothing.

Everything that had happened over the past day was for one purpose and one purpose only: to get her to let go of her walls long enough for him to break her. Ruin her. He had gotten the idea from Cardo, actually. When he heard the unsavory thoughts of his Knight before the last mission, the idea had come to him. It was genius actually. If Kylo couldn't get to her with violence, then maybe it was time to try something else to shatter that wall.

That was it.

"Where is he then?" Kylo demanded harshly after a silence that had lasted just a bit too long. He had been staring.

"Hoth."

"How do you know for sure it was Hoth?" Kylo was skeptical. Hoth was nothing more than a shitty frozen wasteland- kind of like Star Killer Base. He didn't think Luke would last a day there without someone coming to his rescue.

Kylo turned around and walked back into his quarters to get dressed, leaving the door open behind him so his apprentice could follow. She quickly padded in after him, jittery with the urgency of the situation. "I'm positive. I used to live there."

Kylo turned around slowly, his back shirt in his hands. "Who in their right mind lives on fucking Hoth?" He watched her look at the floor as blood rushed to her cheeks. Even in the dim lighting he could tell that she was ashamed, but there was no time for him to pry. "Whatever, just get the others and meet me in the hanger in ten minutes."

***

The ride to Hoth wasn't quick, they had to travel all the way past the Hosnian system and into the Outer Rim. Kylo knew that he should have reported to Snoke prior to practically blasting out of Star Killer Base at light speed, or at the very least, told General Hux where he was going. However, he didn't need backup from a bunch of idiot clones who couldn't hit a target with a blaster if their lives depended on it. And Snoke... well, he'd understand when his prodigy returned with the prize.

Kylo pressed forward toward the snowy white planet as fast as possible, glancing backward to see his knights on his heels in their own ship. The atmosphere was clear, and there was no one on their trail. According to his apprentice, Luke was hiding out in the ruins of an old military base. Kylo knew from old Empire records that there had once been a rebel base stationed there, so that would be the first stop on the hunt.

As they touched down in the arctic wasteland, Kylo Ren could feel the vicious energy radiating from his knights. There was nothing they loved more than a hunt, especially one that was sure to end in death and destruction. They were like fierce hounds, set out for blood and unwilling to stop until the snow beneath their boots was stained red.

Hoth was a shit hole. As soon as they left their ships, the frigid air washed over them in a sea of paralyzing waves. Kylo could barely see as he trudged forward toward the icy ruins of the old Echo Base. He sensed the other Knights, even under their armor, were moving slower in the storm of ice. Well, all of the knights but one.

The smallest of them plowed forward quickly, arm raised to block the onslaught of white powder that was pouring down in sheets. Though she did not wear the thick, metal amor of the others, she seemed to evade the paralyzing cold like an expert. She waved them around toward a side entrance that was hidden behind a weathered black rock.

Once inside, Kylo could see that the remains of the base were nothing more than scraps of metal and stone shrouded in cold dampness. The knights expertly spread out over the ruins and began their hunt, overturning anything standing in their way. Kylo was on high alert now, using his lightsaber to slash through a thick coat of ice that had fully covered an old doorway.

He could vaguely hear the sounds of his counterparts destroying the base in the distance, but even that was drowned out by the sensation of his heartbeat in his ears. His adrenaline was flowing through every inch of his body. For the past few years, all he had wanted was to come face to face with Luke again. He had replayed the scene over and over in his head.

First, he would ask him how it felt to be the one with the lightsaber held to his neck by a member of his own family. Then he would command his uncle to stand up and fight, because not even Kylo Ren would stab an unsuspecting man in the back. Or in their sleep.

When they fought, and Kylo inevitably won, he would watch the light drain from his uncles eyes with satisfaction, knowing that the power of the dark side had been and will always be there for him.

...But that would have to wait, because the base was deserted.

Kylo couldn't feel a trace of Luke's energy in this icy fortress, and he could sense that his men had also come up empty. His blood was boiling. He was about to turn on his heel and head back to what must have been the old command center when he felt the foundation rumble under his black boots. Suddenly the air around him was thick with energy, crackling with electricity. He sensed a disturbance in the force.

Not just a disturbance, a destructive wave. But.. it didn't have the typical signature of Luke Skywalker. It was something familiar, but Kylo couldn't place it. 

He walked down the dark hallways quickly, lightsaber drawn and casting a red glow on the ice covered walls. He could sense that his knights were gathered together, and he followed their force signature through a short series of turns until he came across them standing in a half-circle in the center of a small room. The room was fairly dark, save for a small stream of light coming through a nickel-sized hole in the ceiling. 

Suddenly, the whole base shook again, this time much more violently. Kylo was knocked back from the doorway, slamming against the frozen wall. The huge knights toppled over in loud a clamor of armor and weapons as the small hole in the ceiling opened up into a larger crack. Through the new stream of white light, Kylo saw the girl kneeling on the ground in front of what looked like a shitty make-shift tent of cardboard and rags. 

Kylo jumped up and pushed through the large men, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. He tried to grab her shoulder and pull her onto her feet, but she whirled around and threw him back using strength that he had never seen from her. Her face was almost unrecognizable, her eyes dark and hooded. The source of the energy was coming from her.

"Master Ren," Ushar stepped toward Kylo, grunting, "I think something is wrong with her." 

She stood up then, turning to face Ushar with her small hands balled into fists. "Nothing is _wrong_ with me!" As she shouted, the base trembled again and sent dust and dirty snow showering from the splintering ceiling. 

"Hey," Cardo stepped forward and spoke in a soft voice, gently grabbing one of her fists. Something about that gesture made Kylo's stomach turn, but he didn't move. "We should go, ok?" 

"Don't touch me!" She yanked her wrist away and threw him to the ground with a simple flick of her other hand. The force strength she was exhibiting was unprecedented. 

They all watched as she slumped to the floor then, her small body heaving with sobs. The building trembled, collapsing further with each of her shaking breaths. The other knights didn't share a force bond with her the way they did with Kylo and each other, but Kylo sensed that they felt the deep sorrow that was radiating from her. They were confused and helpless. If they didn't get out of there soon, she was going to collapse the entire base with her... _crying._

Kylo's eyes wandered between her and the small fort. He took a step forward and picked up a small waterlogged piece of paper that was lying on the ground and scrutinized it. It looked to be a faded photo of a young girl with her parents, they were dressed in thick furs and standing in front of a large fire. It didn't take a genius to see the resemblance between the wide-eyed young girl and the one on the ground in front of him. 

A series of beeps echoed through the room then, startling everyone. Kylo took out the small communicator from his breast pocket and sighed at the message on the screen. 

"Snoke. We're leaving. Now."

***

Kylo ground his teeth together as he watched his knights enter the large empty room on Star Killer Base. A large communication hologram of the Supreme Leader was broadcasted in front of them, towering like an ever-present eye. 

Trudgen and Ushar came in first, as usual. They remained fully armored, weapons held out as if preparing for battle. Ushar glanced back at the girl a few times, seemingly on edge. Kylo's stomach was in knots as he watched Cardo walking with his arm around her, not touching her but hovering inches from her lower back. Vicrul flanked her other side, looking pale-faced. Ap'lek and Kuruk followed behind, each of them holding their helmets casually.

And the last one in the room was Hux, looking smug. His head was held high as he strutted toward Snoke, surpassing the Knights and standing next to Kylo at the front of the room. 

Hux spoke first. "Supreme leader, I can assure you that I had nothing to do with-"

"Silence!" Snoke boomed, turning directly to Kylo. "What is the meaning of this?"

"We had reason to believe that Luke Skywalker was hiding at the location of the old Echo Base-"

Hux cut him off, spitting with rage. "And he didn't see fit to notify the First Order or even hold the common decency to use a shield when he entered the Hosnian system! The Republic now has intel with approximate coordinates of this base! This _child_ is going to be the end of the First Order."

"Kylo Ren," Snoke said slowly, after a long pause. "Do you think you're capable of doing anything other than destroying everything the First Order has worked for?"

"My apologies, Supreme Leader. I was under the assumption that time was of the essence." 

"Time was of the essence... because you allowed your apprentice to be controlled by the enemy. And yet, you can't even control her yourself. You seem to have no idea what she's capable of." Snoke growled. "You're so obsessed with your disgrace of a family that you can't even control your own subordinates." 

Kylo kneeled, taking a page from the book of his apprentice. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He was glad that he was still wearing a helmet so that Snoke couldn't see his face. "My apologies, Supreme Leader. I will not be so foolish again." 

Hux snorted, causing Ushar to immediately lunge for him, long weapon just inches from his fiery hair. Hux gulped and stumbled back a few steps. The edge of Kylo's mouth hinted in a smile.

"Secure the base, engage every force shield, and if you ever do something so idiotic and childish again, you'll regret it." With that, Snoke's image faded and left them in darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this, I hope you're enjoying it now that things have started to heat up. Also, if anyone has any suggestions or critiques, I'm all ears. Thank you so much for reading my story:)


	8. Let The Past Die

It had been days since you'd seen another human being. Kylo Ren had left the base immediately following the encounter with Snoke. Meanwhile, a deep, unforgiving darkness had swallowed you, possessing every thought and movement. It was as if you had somehow kept the darkness at bay for years, and seeing the old shambles of your makeshift home had split you open and unleashed a monster.

Buried next to the monster had been your ability to wield the force with more power than anyone in the First Order had truly known. Luke had called it a gift, but your whole childhood it had been a curse. It had torn your family apart, left your village casting you away as a demon, and had landed you starving to death in ice caves. You could never seem to control it, but you were able to bury it. Well... at least you used to be able to.

You were scared.

You had almost crumbled an entire base without meaning to. Now that Kylo Ren knew of your hidden talents, he would surely eliminate you. Either that, or he'd report you to Snoke _then_ kill you. 

But, surely Snoke already knew somehow? 

Master Luke had known intuitively, and he was able to find you by the energy that you had given off.

There was no way Snoke didn't already know... you'd assumed that might be the reason why he'd let you stay in the first place.

But Kylo Ren knowing... you had a target on your back. With your newly exposed power coupled with the fact that your mind was closed off to him, it was only a matter of time before he suspected that you had alterier motives. You looked like a criminal.

It took you at least two days to convince yourself that leaving the First Order was the best option. With any luck, you'd be able to hitch a ride to The New Kessel on the Night Buzzard the next time your counterparts were in the mood for a drink. You could probably steal a ship, but that would draw too much attention and you weren't very good at flying. It was simpler to ditch your drunken comrades and convince someone to give you a ride to a far corner of the galaxy where you could start over. You were thinking a desolate planet like Jakku would do. And this time, it would be easier to start over because you had a little bit of money saved up.

You spent the next day going through your meager belongings to figure out what you should bring and what you could probably sell. It wasn't long before you had a small bag packed with a few extra sets of clothes, some food, a few knives, and all the credits you had to your name.

The fourth day, you spent reminiscing. A few of the knights were off duty tonight and you had overheard them talking about leaving the base through the thin walls of your shared apartment. 

Today was the day. It was time to move on.

You had been unable to face them since the failed capture at Echo Base, and you couldn't bring yourself to give them any true parting words. However, you took a few minutes to listen to their voices and memorize the way they sounded. While you may not have been close, they were the closest thing you had to family. You paid careful attention to remember the bickering between Ap'lek and Kuruk as they fought over the last snack. You took special notice of Vicrul's rare commentary. The sound of Cardo's voice at your door nearly broke your heart. He had been knocking every day, several times a day, begging you to explain yourself. He really had been a true friend.

When you were sure they had all left the apartment that afternoon, you decided to venture out for a last look at Starkiller Base. You wanted to run the ice covered training course one last time before you had to give up your claim on the force and lie low for the rest of your life. The course wasn't far from the main building of the base, lying just at the start of the westernmost forest. You remembered when you first started running this course, how impossible it had been. Now, it was like saying goodbye to an old friend. You tightened the laces on your boots and stood up, crunching the snow as you shifted from leg to leg. You took comfort in the way that the sound echoed through the trees when you ignited your lightsaber. You were just about to set out when you heard voices behind you, calling your name.

Your heart sank as you turned to see six hulking figures walking toward you. It was no use running, they knew the course just as well as you did. Many a day were spent in these trees listening to Kylo bark orders.

"What are you doing out here?" It was Vicrul that spoke first, which surprised you. His dark eyes narrowed as he looked you up and down.

"I'm just... um, practicing."

"We found this." Ap'lek said flatly as he tossed a familiar black bag into the snow. A small knife rolled out of the open top, lying there as if it were some kind of arrow that pointed you out as guilty.

"You went through my stuff?" You asked, you tried to sound angry but the emotion just wasn't there. You felt drained as you stared at the knife in the snow.

"There's no way you're leaving." Ap'lek said.

You looked up at all of them then, slowly looking from face to face. Not even Ushar was wearing his helmet.

"Look... I'm sorry, guys. But we all know that Kylo has wanted me out since day one and... well, there's no way he's going to let me coexist with him now that he knows the truth." You shrugged your leaden shoulders, sick with stress. "I can't control it. I don't know how. If I stay here I'm bound to just screw something up. Either that, or Kylo will kill me first."

Cardo stepped forward and picked up the bag, slinging it over his shoulder. He wasn't wearing gloves, and you could see his olive skin turning chapped in the cold. "You're not leaving."

"Hah!" You bellowed, startling some birds and causing them to escape from the bare trees. "Your lives wouldn't be any different without me. We're not even friends."

You saw a small twitch of Cardo's mouth, the only hint that you might have hurt him.

"Maybe... maybe you're more like us than we thought." Ushar muttered lowly, barely audible.

"What do you mean?"

"We didn't necessarily grow up in palaces." Ap'lek finished, his thick dark eyebrows coming together in a deep furrow.

"And what, you thought I did?"

"Well... we didn't really know."

"You could have asked." You disengaged your lightsaber then, tucking it back into your belt.

Silence.

"Master Ren-"

"Yeah, yeah I know, he hates me." I waved it off.

Silence.

"He commanded us to stay away from you, said not to trust you." Cardo said gently, holding both hands up as if he was afraid you would try to hurt him.

"I figured."

Silence.

More silence. You shuffled your feet.

"He told us not to let you leave today." Vicrul finally offered.

Your throat suddenly felt very dry. Your hand inched instinctively back to your saber. "Are you going to kill me?" You breathed. Of course Kylo wouldn't even have the decency to kill you himself. He probably never wanted to see you again after you blindly led him to Hoth only to come up empty handed and then find out that you'd been lying to him about your power this entire time.

Yeah, he probably did think you deserved to ripped apart by your six gigantic roommates.

Cardo gave you a weak smile. "No, he commanded us to bring you back so you could continue your training with the First Order."

"Great." You rolled your eyes. You were more likely to see General Hux skipping down the halls in a pink skirt than you were to see Kylo letting you off the hook for this. Perhaps he did just want the chance to kill you himself. Either way, you didn't have it in you to battle the other knights out here. You'd have to find another way to leave the base before Kylo and his wrath returned for you.

"Please, just come with us... we have something we want to show you." Cardo said, reaching his cold, ungloved hand to you. Something about the way his voice slightly broke just then made you realize that a dynamic between the seven of you had somehow shifted. His green eyes bore into you, pleading for you to go with him. You knew then that the knights didn't only come out here because of orders from their master, but that they were truly asking you to stay of their own accord. Your throat felt tight.

You took his hand.

***

You all sat in the Night Buzzard, lounging on the black leather seats at the back of the ship that encircled a small round table. Ap'lek and Kuruk immediately broke out the alcohol as soon as the group boarded, knowing that you'd all probably need it. You had to admit, you were feeling slightly more relaxed as soon as the liquid burned all the way down the back of your throat.

It was quiet for a while, save for the clicking of glasses.

"So, are you going to tell me why you guys suddenly want to be my friend?" You asked as you poured another shot.

They all looked at each other then, as if confirming one last time that they really wanted to let you in to their exclusive circle. Cardo looked away first, making eye contact with you as he unzipped and shrugged his heavy leather jacket off his shoulders. Underneath was a simple grey tank top, but your eyes widened at the sight of his arms. You could see the pink, puffy markings of old scars along his upper arms and shoulders, and well as thick tendrils snaking out of the top of his low cut shirt.

"What-"

"Not just the scars...this." He turned his hand up so that you could see a poorly done tattoo on his inner, upper arm. It was a series of numbers inked in black.

The other knights looked at you then, searching your face. You weren't quite connecting the dots. "I'm sorry, I don't know what that means."

"We all have them." Vicrul said, leaning forward to rest his his elbows on his knees. "They're marks of slavery where we come from."

You bit your lip. You truly knew nothing about these men that you had lived with for the past few years. The fact that they had come from slavery didn't seem possible, they were such fierce warriors.

Vicrul continued, "We woke up one day, and we were slaves. None of us remember anything about our families, or if we even had families at all. These tattoos... they bound us to our old master. He sort of.. raised us I guess."

"How do you have no memory of your family?" You watched as Cardo put his leather jacket back on and zipped it up. You'd never thought about it before, but you had never seen any of the knights with short sleeves. Even during training, they wore armor or long sleeves.

"We don't know. The only life we knew was with our old master. He controlled us the same way as Master Ren can, through the force. But it wasn't like the First Order... it was chaos."

To your surprise, Ushar joined in. This day couldn't get any weirder. "We would fight for him, but for money. People would bet how long we would live. As kids. If we refused, he would torture us until we were begging for death."

"Oh my God." You whispered. "Why?"

"The only way to survive was to kill. But we could never kill the one person that we needed to."

"How did you get out then?" You couldn't even imagine living as a slave since childhood, fighting in rings. Being tortured. It made your stomach turn.

"Master Ren. He killed our old master, which left us indebted to him."

"Wait, so Kylo is basically just another slave owner?" You exclaimed, feeling a furious heat rise to your cheeks.

"No!" They all practically shouted at you. You were beyond confused now.

Trudgen stood up, towering over the group. You paid careful attention to the faint pink lines that barely peaked out over the collar of his shirt. You had never noticed the scars before. "Master Ren is the best thing that's ever happened to us. He saved our lives. We may be bound to him through the force, but he has never abused us. Even if our bond was somehow lifted, we would still be forever indebted to him." You felt such strong emotion from him that it made your head spin. You were reeling with the weight of the secrets that had been revealed to you over the past five minutes.

"I'm... I'm so sorry. I had no idea." You whispered.

Cardo scooted closer to you and put his hand on your knee, squeezing it lightly. "You don't need to be sorry, we wanted you to know because... well, we get it. We get why you were so upset the other day. Whatever happened to you to that caused you to be freezing alone in that tent, it must have been bad."

"It wasn't. I mean, it wasn't _that_ bad. Sure, I wasn't the spoiled princess that you guys apparently thought I was, but I wasn't... I mean, I was fine."

They all looked at you expectantly, as if you then owned them your own personal sob story as well. You sighed and poured yourself another drink. "Look, it's nothing. I grew up in a village on Hoth, but once I started showing signs of being force-sensitive, everyone was terrified. My people had legends about the dangers of dark magic. I tried to hide it, but I couldn't. I was scared too, and I had no idea how to control it. It seemed like the more scared I was, the stronger it became."

You gulped, looking at Cardo's hand still resting lightly on your knee.

"So what, you ran away?" Ap'lek asked.

"No." You shook your head, willing your lip not to tremble. "One day, I overheard some older kids teasing my little sister. They were telling her that our whole family would be banned from the afterlife of our people because I was a demon. I was just a kid, and so I got mad. I didn't mean to, but I couldn't control it. A nearby stable that was holding some of our village's Tauntauns just... collapsed."

Your throat got tight. You felt like an idiot. These men were brutalized all their lives and you couldn't even confess your own terrible sins. You weren't brutalized, you were the brutalizer.

"One of the kids died." You said, barely audible. You cleared your throat. "That night, my parents took our cart and we rode into the frozen tundra. You see, we lived near a forest, so we were usually shielded from the worst of the weather."

You took a slow, small sip of the shot you had poured a moment ago. "They left me there." You didn't look at the others as you rushed through the end of the story. "It was still our warmer season when they dropped me off, so it was light most of the day. I knew how to hunt a little, and I was able to survive in that base for a while. Sometimes I would move to nearby caves depending on the weather. A few seasons had passed before Luke found me there. You know the rest."

Silence. You wondered if they hated you even more now. You killed a child.

You killed an innocent child.

By now, you had become used to the shame that swallowed you up, though. You were almost numb to it.

"I'm sorry." Vicrul said. The rest of them nodded.

Silence.

You wiped your wet eyes and shrugged. "So what? Are we friends now that we've told our secrets? What's next, our love lives?"

Even Ushar and Trudgen managed a smile.

***

The next few days, Kylo Ren was still nowhere to be found.

You spent all your time with your roommates and newfound friends. It was like you were living in a dream. The sudden change in the dynamic of your relationship with the other knights had made you the happiest you were in a long time, though you'd never admit that to them. You ate with them in the cafeteria, trained with them, and even joined in making fun of the newest modifications that Ap'lek and Kuruk had put on the Night Buzzard, only to have the ship be filled with smoke as soon as it started.

You walked to the library one evening, trying not to smile to yourself as you thought of the smoke filling the ship. You wondered if the boys had always lived that way since coming to the First Order, joking about things and teasing each other. If so, you had really missed out the past few years.

The library was dark and empty, as usual. You walked over to the fireplace and started a fire, finding the book that you had been in the middle of lying on the floor right where you had left it the night before. This was your happy place, submerging yourself in a story as you watched the snow falling outside the large windows. You had just settled in on the couch when you heard the doors open. You turned around, confused. In all your time here, you had never seen another person in this library.

As soon as you recognized the silhouette of the man standing in the doorway, you jumped up from the couch, heart pounding. He wasn't wearing his helmet, and his usual uniform and cape had been replaced by a simple black button up. You weren't sure whether to be afraid of him or whether to admire the sight of his long hair falling to his shoulders. You had yet to have a true conversation with him about the... _events_ that had taken place recently. Where did you stand?

The other knights had assured you that he definitely didn't want you dead, but you weren't so sure. After all, they had no idea what other things had transpired between you and Kylo before the Hoth problem.

"Master Ren, you're back." You said dumbly as he crossed the room to you in four long strides. You tried to ignore the butterflies that got stronger with each inch that lessened the distance between the two of you.

"Have you done anything else to put the First Order in jeopardy while I was gone?" He said flatly, glaring at you.

"I'm sorry... but I wasn't the one that sent us running straight to Hoth. I mean, since when do you actually trust anything I say?" The words tumbled out of your mouth before you could really think about it. You tried to smile to lighten the mood, noting how his fingers twitched toward his lightsaber for just a second.

"But you _were_ the one," He mused, picking up your novel and examining it. "Who managed to lie to me about your power for years." He threw the book aside and stepped even closer to you. You took a few steps back, bumping into a wooden table. "I will not be made a fool of again."

"If you want to kill me, just kill me." You said, sighing. You truly had not meant to lie to him, you simply never had any intention of unleashing that power again. It just sort of happened. "I can't take these games anymore."

"I heard from my knights that you were trying to run away." He took your chin in between his thumb and first finger and tilted it up, examining you like a piece of meat. You were surprised to find that his hand was bare and ungloved. The way he was looking at you made you want to close the distance between the two of you and wrap your legs around his waist like you had in the training room.

What the hell was wrong with you?

You shook your head. "I'd rather leave than die here."

"You stupid girl." He dropped his hand. "I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to teach you."

You snorted. You couldn't help it. "Since when have _you_ ever taught me anything?"

"That was before I knew what you were actually capable of. Before I knew what you were worth. But you need to learn to control yourself." He snapped. "Your power, and your smart mouth."

"I can't." You admitted. "I've never been able to control the force when it's that strong. That's why I just try to bury it. I just try not to feeling anything at all."

"You'll control it now, I'll make sure of it. I'm not letting that power go to waste." He stepped even closer, bending over so that he was eye level with you. You could see the lighter specks of brown-gold in his eyes again, the faint freckles on his cheeks. Your stomach fluttered when you tasted his breath in the space between you. "Now all you have to do is let me in." He said lowly.

"I-I can't. I don't know how." You whispered. You noticed how his eyes flicked to your lips as you spoke.

He stood up and sighed, but didn't back away. "I suppose I already know enough about your sad, pathetic life now anyways."

"What do you mean?" You looked up at him pathetically, willing him to come back.

"You forget that anything you tell them, you tell me."

Oh.

You did forget. Your cheeks reddened as you cursed yourself, wishing that you could take back everything that had happened lately. Not three weeks ago, you had been friendless and slipping mercifully under the radar. Now, your roommates knew that you had accidentally murdered a child and you had no idea if your boss, who had recently fingered you on his bed, was going to kill you or help you. And you had traded your simple, unproblematic life for what? Six new friends and one good orgasm?

Yeah, you had really fucked yourself over.

"You might as well just forget it now. It's foolish to dwell on the past and let it affect you in that way." He turned away and began walking toward the door.

For some reason, his words cut like a knife through you. _Forget it_. "What did you just say?" Your voice had risen an octave.

"Just let it all go. Grow up and learn to control your emotions."

Suddenly, you were seeing red. You raised your hand, causing the doors of the library to slam so hard that several books toppled off the shelves.

Kylo turned very slowly and looked at you, unreadable.

You heard yourself laugh, but it sounded distant and cold. "Thats absolutely rich. I can't believe you, of all people, would tell me to just _forget it_. You've been wreaking havoc on the galaxy trying to get back at your own family since we joined the First Order!"

"Watch yourself." He snapped.

" _My_ past is irrelevant but everyone else is simple a casualty in Ben Solo's family drama! Two parents and an uncle that loved you and wanted the best for you, how tragic!"

You heard the smack of his hand connecting with your face before you felt the sting. "You stupid little girl."

You looked up at him, gritting your teeth. Before you could even think, you whirled around and slapped him back, your palm stinging as it came in contact with his cheek. "Fuck you, _Ben_."

You both stood there for a minute, the only sound in the room the ragged breathing between you. You glared at each other, feeling your mutual anger surrounding you in waves. The force energy encircling both of you was purely chaotic. You hated him.

You hated him.

You hated everything about him. He-

His mouth connected with yours with such a force that it sent you stumbling backward into the wooden table again. You froze in surprise for just a moment, but when you felt his arm snake around your waist, you melted into him, kissing him back. It was the same way you felt in the training room, the sudden and all-encompassing need for him. All of him.

He grabbed your waist and lifted you so that you were sitting on the table in front of him, and you moved your hand to grab a fist full of his long, dark hair. You moaned as his tongue parted your lips. You wrapped your legs around his waist, just as you had been dying to do, and pressed yourself tightly against him. He kissed you roughly, keeping one hand on the back of your neck while the other snaked up your thigh. You could already feel yourself throbbing between your legs.

He pulled your hair back, exposing your neck, and moved his lips to trace a line from your jaw down to your collarbone. "Fuck, I hate what you do to me." He breathed against your skin.

You shivered as he kissed your neck and ran his fingers through your hair. "I hate you." You gasped between kisses.

He pulled at your shirt, and you lifted your arms up in cooperation as he brought the fabric over your head. He didn't bother undoing the clasp of your bra, he just ripped it apart, moving his mouth back to yours as he pulled it down your arms and cast it to the side. "I can tell." He murmured, making a new trail of kisses down your neck and all the way to your breast where he took your sensitive nipple into his mouth.

"Shit." You breathed before he crushed his mouth to yours again. Your fingers moved to the buttons on his shirt, fumbling as you tried to undo them. He became impatient with you near the bottom and just ripped it, sending the remaining buttons flying to the floor. As he shrugged off the shirt, your eyes widened as they took in the ripples of muscle on his chest and abdomen. His huge arms encircled you again as you pressed your bare chest against his and kissed him hungrily. You wrapped your legs tighter around his waist, grinding against him.

You jumped when he pulled away from you and pushed the books that were strewn across the table onto the floor. When he turned back to you, he slid his thumbs under the hem of your pants and started to slide them down. You helped remove your legs from your black First Order-issued pants until you were sitting on the table in front of him, completely naked.

"I want to taste you." He growled, taking your bottom lip between his teeth. You whined as he slid a finger between your folds, just barely grazing your clit. "For someone that hates me, you're awfully wet." He whispered in your ear before pulling away and kneeling in front of you.

"Lie back, little one." He commanded. You laid back on the table as he spread your legs apart, planting small kisses on your inner thighs. Your body ached in anticipation. You felt a hunger that you had never known before.

You gasped when he slid his tongue between your legs and began to slowly tease you, just barely missing your sensitive spot. You felt the familiar heat rising in your lower abdomen as you arched your back on the table, trying to bring yourself closer to him. "So eager..." You could hear the smirk in his voice, but you couldn't concentrate enough to formulate a response. When he finally stopped teasing you and began to expertly suck your tender nub, you practically convulsed on the table. You had never felt anything like this. Your toes curled as your legs tensed up.

He stopped then and looked up at you, his lips shining. The sight of him between your legs was almost too much to bear. "Remember what I told you?"

"I, ah, no." You couldn't think.

"Beg." He moved his mouth back to you again.

"Nn-Kylo-"

"Beg" he said casually between slow, torturous licks.

"Please, Master Ren, I- ah!" You didn't make it all the way through your sentence before he sped up, causing your legs to shake. Causing you to explode. You lifted your hips off the table, panting and making unintelligible noises as you came onto his tongue.

_Stars._

When you breathing slowed, he stood up, snaking an arm around your waist and pulling you back to a sitting position. Your legs were still shaking. You felt like you were watching from outside your own body as he slid a finger inside of you and pulled it back out, bringing it to your lips. "Taste." He commanded and you obeyed, sucking his finger as you looked up at him. His long hair was sweaty against his forehead. You reached up and ran your hand through his hair before releasing his finger and bringing your mouth to his.

He kissed you back, slower this time, less feverish. He lifted you off the table, legs wrapped around his waist, and carried you to the large couch that you had been reading on. His lips never left yours as he laid you down. Your fingers found their way to his belt, where you managed to unhook it before his hand stopped you. "It'll hurt." He said simply.

In response, you continued to try to undo the clasp on his pants. He caught your hand again. "This is your last chance, little one." He murmured.

"Please, Master Ren?" You smiled sweetly at him. 

The magic words.

You wanted him inside you. You wanted him to split you in half.

At that, he pushed your hands away and had his pants undone in seconds. You stared at his erection in the few seconds it took him to become completely undressed, thinking in disbelief about how it had previously pounded into the back of your throat. Your thoughts were quickly cut off as your master climbed on top of you.

The momentary slow kisses were gone as quickly as they had come, replaced again by rough, desperate ones. His tongue entangled with yours as he groaned into your mouth. You buried your hands in his hair, tugging him closer. He grabbed your thigh roughly and pulled your legs apart before thrusting himself inside of you.

You cried out, feeling a flash of splitting pain. He responded by stifling your cry with a long kiss. "Fuck, you feel so good." He murmured.

He began to thrust in an out, breathing deep sighs of pleasure. Hearing those noises coming from his mouth made you begin to throb again, despite the slight discomfort. As he sped up, you gripped his shoulder tightly, digging your nails into his skin. You felt stuffed full, afraid you might burst. At the same time though, the friction of him inside of you was blissful.

You wrapped your legs around him then, grinding your hips against his. That triggered something animalistic in him, and you watched his wild eyes as he sped up even faster, thrusting deep and hard. Splitting you open. Feral noises escaped from his lips as he pulled your sweaty hair, bit your neck, pounded into you.

You breathed heavily under him, chest pressed against his, moaning at the feel of his lips on your neck. He groaned as he reached his climax, pounding into you and pumping you full of his orgasm. You gasped as you felt him pulsing inside of you, watching him writhe with pleasure.

When he finally pulled out, you were left throbbing, feeling his hot liquid seep out of you. Something about that made you really happy. Your cheeks flushed as you looked up at him, fully expecting him to get dressed as fast as possible and leave you in here alone. To your surprise, he looked back at you, studying you with the same intensity and curiosity.

"You hate me?" He smirked.

"Yes." You said, without hesitation. Just because he had the body of a god and could practically make you cum with one touch didn't mean he wasn't still a massive asshole.

"Interesting."

To your extreme surprise, he pulled you to him, lying back against the sofa and wrapping his muscular arms around you. Neither of you said anything more, probably because it would have inevitably ended up in another fight. You couldn't think too much about what you were doing, because then you might hate yourself even more than you already did.

In the dim light of the dying fire, you fell asleep on his chest.

***   
You startled awake to the sound of voices. The early morning light streaming in from the giant windows momentarily blinded you, but you could tell the voice was familiar.

"Ren, the prisoner is awake." You rubbed your eyes as you sat up and looked over the top of the large couch to see Hux's silhouette in the doorway of the library.

_The library? What were you doing in the-_

The events of the previous night came flooding back to you, and you clasped your arms over your chest to hide your naked upper half from General Hux. You weren't sure how much he could have seen over the back of the couch, but it disturbed you to think about nonetheless. Your face turned beet red in embarrassment.

You watched incredulously as Kylo Ren sat up next you and peered at the doorway, also still completely naked. He seemed entirely unphased by the situation. "I'll be right there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for reading, giving kudos, bookmarking, etc! I'm so happy people are enjoying the story 😭 
> 
> Also, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if there are typos. I try to read it several times, but I know I miss things. I don't want anyone I know IRL to proofread because.. well, no one understands my obsession with Kylo Ren. 😅 I hope you liked this chapter! xo


	9. A BB Unit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ TW: Toxic, abusive & violent thoughts from Kylo ~

_*** Kylo ***_

Kylo Ren had never dedicated much time to women. At least, no more than one night to the same one. Maybe in his old life he had enjoyed the attention of the girls that had followed him around the Jedi temple, giggling and trying to get him to flash a smile in their direction. However, that person was dead now. Kylo Ren was on his way to ruling the galaxy, and he didn't have time to pick up women in bars and distract himself with nights of pleasure. Those were the pastimes of weaker men. His Knights, for example. Men who didn't have the strength and level of responsibility that he had. He couldn't let himself lose control, for it could easily get in the way of the greater goal.

That was why, as he looked down at the girl sleeping in his arms, he felt like a failure. He had been nothing but weak and careless that night. He had acted like the irresponsible child that Snoke had accused him of being, despite whatever success he had had over the past few days.

Since Hoth, he had dedicated all his time to tracking a lead on the resistance, forced to work in conjunction with Hux's idiot troopers who could barely wipe their own asses without instruction. He hadn't slept in days. He had barely taken the time to eat. He hadn't wanted this mission to fail, and the only way to ensure that was to be present for one hundred percent of it. He'd normally entrust some of the lighter work to Ushar and Trudgen so he could get some sleep, but he'd had no choice but to leave his knights behind to watch the girl. He had known she would try to escape, but he would never dream of letting that kind of power go to waste. She could be the key that he needed to take down the resistance. He would learn to control her, harness her power for the good of the First Order.

When Kylo had returned to Starkiller Base last night, he'd had every intention of finding the girl and punishing her. _Really_ punishing her this time. Not only had she led them on a failed mission, but she had also caused him to look like a fool in front of Snoke and that pathetic excuse for a general.

And there was nothing that Kylo Ren hated more than looking like a fool.

He had been absolutely enraged after the encounter with Snoke. The unfortunate meeting had kicked him into overdrive. Relentless pursuit ensued, and he did not rest until he found the filthy resistance pilot who was scrounging for information on Jakku. Kylo took sinister pleasure in watching his futile attempts to escape. It brought him great joy to watch the stormtroopers blow up his shabby X-Wing. When Kylo heard the screams of the villagers, his blood sung in his veins. It had been his moment to prove himself, which left him with no other choice than to leave that shitty village in ashes. After all, that's what people who resist the First Order deserve.

He had returned to Starkiller base with a resistance prisoner, but the pathetic pilot could barely open his eyes, let alone speak. Kylo would wait until he was awake to slowly torture him for the information before killing him in the most painful way possible. It was all in a day's work.

But, while he waited, he couldn't waste his window of opportunity to pay his little knight a visit and remind her that she was nothing but a pawn in his game. Show her that if it wasn't for her new found power, he wouldn't have hesitated to kill her and leave her corpse on that desolate ice planet that she had somehow managed to live on. With a mere raise of his palm he would have had her gasping for air in the middle of that library. He would have taken pleasure in watching her pupils widen, fearing for her life as the oxygen slowly seeped from her body.

Yes, he had every intention of doing that.

 _So_ , he asked himself as he watched her sleep, _where the hell was the man that had killed every last villager a mere hours before?_

She had gotten into his head again, just like that. All she had to do was turn around, drop her book, and look up at him with those wide, pleading eyes. She had called him _Master Ren._ Instead of knocking her on her ass when he stepped through the doors, he was actually _relieved_ to see that she was safe on Starkiller Base. He had known his knights had kept her from running away, but he was still somehow shocked to see her there, simply lounging and reading.

His desire to harm her had suddenly been replaced by a desire to... _possess her_. He wanted her on her knees again, gasping and crying and he pounded into the back of her throat. After all, he had made it clear that she was _his_. He wanted to remind her though, just for good measure. How dare she try to leave the First Order? Leave him? After she had fought so hard to stay at the beginning. His rage had began to morph into something even more wild and untamed, shifting to form a new kind of monster that he had never seen before. This strong and intense desire had washed over him like burning lava, forging an invisible connection between them. He felt it when he was around her, and he knew that she felt it too.

The control he had experienced while watching the flames overtake the village on Jakku was gone. Ripped from his grasp by an orphan girl. And the only way to regain his upper hand was to feel her sighing into his mouth as he ran his hands over every inch of her body. He _needed_ to taste her. He wanted her to scream his name. He wanted to split her open and fill her to brim. He had to have her.

So he did.

He had wanted to be gentle at first, to take his time with her. He told himself that tonight would be the last time that he would allow himself to succumb to this behavior, so he needed to be patient. He needed to savor the moment. Savor her sweet, blissful sighs. Unfortunately, the whole ordeal hadn't lasted very long at all. It was all he could do not to tear all of her clothes off her body and bend her over the table immediately. The way she whispered "I hate you" had sent a shiver of pleasure down his spine. He relished in the taste of her as she spasmed on the table from the work of his tongue, his length aching as it pushed against his pants. He had made a conscious effort to slow down after that, but hearing her ask for him had simply sent him over the edge. He had absolutely pounded into her as her tight little hole clenched around him. It was almost too much to bear.

The way she looked at him as he filled her up drove him crazy. He didn't just want to teach her how to control the force, he wanted to show her _other_ things too. 

And now, as watched the rise and fall of her bare chest as she slept, he regretted all of it. He cursed himself over and over again for losing his control. He cursed her for doing this to him. And most of all, he cursed himself for continuing to lie there, feeling the invisible string that had somehow tethered him to her.

He could have done more. He could have went on for hours, teasing her and hearing her beg before driving her over the edge again and again. He would never get tired of the way that she became absolutely soaked for him. He could have made it hard for her to walk the next morning. At least he had _tried_ to warn her... tried, in his own way, to ask permission. At least he had forced himself to stop where he did, before he had made a complete mess of her... _that was something to be proud of, right?_

He decided he would give himself the rest of the night, taking the time to memorize the curves of her body in the soft glow of the dim fire. Her legs entangled with his on the couch. And though he hadn't slept in days, he forced himself to stay awake. He knew very well that the only thing that would ever keep him company as he slept were his nightmares. He would never dream of sharing that vulnerability with another living person. He hated even to think that the stormtroopers patrolling the halls at night could hear him from his quarters, waking himself up with his own screams.

He rubbed small circles on her bare back as the night faded into the pale yellow light of the morning. She looked so small and innocent curled up next to him, like a little dove tucked snugly into its nest.

He wasn't surprised when Hux bursted through the door. He had heard his incessant whining from all the way down the hall. He admired how his little knight startled awake, scrambling to cover herself from the general and the troopers that flanked him. Kylo waved him off, and when the doors to the library slammed shut, he disentangled himself from her and rose off the couch in an attempt to find his clothing. She kept her arms over her chest as she watched him get dressed. He resisted the urge to pin her arms above her head and kiss her all the way from her perky chest down to her little self-destruct button between her thighs.

"Um, so, if we're going to do this, maybe we should do it somewhere more private?" She said, still embarrassed. She seemed to always end her statements with questions, never quite sure of herself. He would need to knock that out of her if he was going to harness her strength in the force for the First Order.

As he looked at her, he was faced with two options. The first was to pick her up off of the couch and fuck her against the giant library windows, not giving a shit if anyone saw them from outside. The second option was to carry through with his resolution to cut her off, to stay away. He couldn't let her into his head anymore. For stars' sake, he had a prisoner waiting to be tortured. "We aren't going to do this. It was a momentary lapse in judgement."

He watched her mouth twitch, just slightly. He wanted to slip his tongue between her teeth. "But, well... I _know_ you felt it. Last night, in the training room, in your quarters. Our energies coming together or something... I know you felt it too."

The invisible string. The hurricane of powerful energies swirling together, bringing them closer. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Kylo fastened his belt and shrugged his shirt over his shoulders, buttoning the few buttons that had been left intact. 

"Kylo-"

He shook his head, sighing in exasperation. This had to be over. "Look, I just wanted to fuck someone. I didn't know you'd get so attached to me. Obviously this was an error in judgement."

Her bottom lip trembled, and he turned away, looking out the window at the horizon. What the hell was wrong with him? He had leveled an entire community, murdered hundreds of people, but _now_ was the time he felt guilty? When he found his resolve, he turned back to her, stone faced. She glared up at him, her lip no longer trembling. She was back to the fiery girl that had slapped him the night before. "Okay, whatever. Just get out so I can get dressed then."

"We'll have to postpone your new training sessions until tomorrow. I'm too busy today." He walked to the doors and let them slam shut behind him, not bothering to wait for her response. If he had waited, he might have done something stupid--like apologize.

***

Interrogating the resistance pilot went about how Kylo had expected it to go. He went on with the same boring speech about how he'd never give up any information, claiming he would rather die first. Honestly, it was rather dull. Kylo had only let him babble on for a few minutes before simply reaching into his mind and taking what he wanted. He saw an orange and white BB unit with a chip placed in its exterior hard drive. He saw the droid heading east before the village was burnt to a crisp. It would be simple enough to find the droid, it was doubtful that anyone on Jakku owned something as pristine and intelligent.

Kylo immediately went to Snoke with the news, watching as his enormous holographic projection came into view. Of course, Snoke had also summoned Hux there to babysit.

"Glad you could finally join us today, Ren. And with clothing on, nonetheless." Hux sneered, smirking to himself.

Kylo ignored him, bending down on one knee. "Supreme Leader, the information we're looking for is being stored in a BB unit on Jakku."

"Interesting. Is there anything else?" The projection demanded.

"That was the only useful information being stored in the pilot's brain."

"Leave him alive for now, we may be able to use him in the future."

"Of course, Supreme Leader." Kylo lowered his head, glowering under his mask. Torturing the prisoner was going to be the highlight of his week, especially since he had resigned himself to part with his little knight.

"General Hux, deploy your top three units to Jakku and find this droid. Bring it back in working condition."

Kylo was on his feet before Hux had the chance to start kissing Snoke's ass. "Excuse me, Supreme Leader, but are you sure that _stormtroopers_ can handle this kind of-"

"You heard me."

"Thank you, Supreme Leader. My units will not let you down." Hux boasted, practically puffing his chest as he turned and left the room proudly.

"You're too invested in this information. I can feel the conflict inside of you regarding your old master, and I will not allow your emotions to get in the way of my plans." Snoke narrowed his eyes at his young pupil.

Kylo felt a lump building in his throat. If they found the map to Luke and Kylo didn't get to personally see the light drain from his uncle's eyes, all of his work and sacrifice will have been for nothing. "So what should I do then?"

"Sit here and wait. Don't run off and act like a child. Don't send the Knights of Ren to Jakku. Just stay out of the way." Snoke had barely finished his sentence before his massive projection disappeared.

_*** You ***_

It was hard to forget last night, seeing as you ached between your thighs with each step. Kylo was right, it _did_ hurt.. but it also left you just short of begging him for more this morning. You had wanted to climb on top of him and feel his hands touching every part of you. The night before almost didn't seem real, the sight of him between your thighs, licking his shining lips. You had never come so hard in your life.

You had to forget it though. Forget him.

You had been sure that your master had felt the feverish spark between the two of you, drawing you together. He way he denied it this morning though... it made you doubt yourself. You felt like a complete idiot as you looked in the mirror, trying to cover the purple splotches on your neck with makeup. You did the best you could, but you were going to be late for your guard shift if you tried to perfect it anymore. Besides, your helmet would likely cover the marks anyway.

When you pulled the tight black pants of your uniform over your thighs, you noticed more small bruises where Kylo had wrenched your legs apart before thrusting himself inside of you. Fuck.

_Don't think about it._

As you walked down the hall toward the interrogation chamber, you promised yourself that you would put Kylo out of your mind. Whether he had felt the connection between you or not, you wouldn't let him get to you like that again. You sensed that it gave him a sick sort of pleasure to watch you crumble under his touch. You were so, _so_ stupid. Humiliated. You looked like a weak little fool. And worst of all, he probably wanted you to feel that way. You had always known he was a dick, so why had you let yourself forget? And for sex of all things. You felt your eyes getting misty as you rounded the corner at the end of a long hallway.

"Hey." You were pulled from your thoughts as you approached the door to the interrogation room. Vicrul was standing there in his armor, his lanky frame leaning casually against the wall. He held his scythe lazily, slowly dragging the tip of it back and forth on the polished black floor. You'd hate to be the prisoner in that room, watching this metal-clad man lying in wait for you.

"Hi." You held up your hand to wave as you approached, glad that Vicrul couldn't see your face under your mask. "Sorry I'm late."

He shrugged, nodding at the prisoner through the window of the door. "He isn't going anywhere."

You peered in, noticing a dark haired man in an old leather jacket. The side of his face was covered in blood, and he laid strapped into the interrogation chair with his jaw slack and eyes closed. Kylo must have really done a number on him. "Wow, he looks like shit. Are you sure he's alive?"

"Master Ren just talked to him. Didn't you hear? He's a resistance pilot."

"Woah, really?" You stood on your toes as if that would help you get a better look through the glass.

"Yeah. Apparently there's some droid on Jakku with a map to Luke Skywalker."

A shiver went down your spine. You hated how that name still affected you. "A map? Then why are we sitting here guarding this guy? Let's go to Jakku!" You exclaimed. 

Vicrul only chuckled in response. A man of few words. He didn't actually need to answer, of course. _Master Ren's orders._

You stood in silence for a while, manning your position on the other side of the hall. Vicrul remained patient and immobile while you passed the hilt of your lightsaber back and forth between your palms. You were never very good at staying still. 

"C-can I ask you something?" You broke the silence hesitantly.

"Sure." Vicrul said, picking up his scythe and running a gloved finger along the blade slowly.

"Did you guys really think that I was _that_ different from you?" You couldn't help it, you were still wondering if you could have done anything differently to help them warm up to you sooner. While you were glad for your new-found friendship, you wished it hadn't resulted from a full mental breakdown on your part. Maybe they all thought you were crazy now. It was hard to stop yourself from spiraling into these dark thoughts. Maybe that's why it had been so easy for you to submit to Kylo last night, just for a chance to forget for a while.

He took his time to formulate a response. "We honestly didn't know. We suspected that maybe you were here because someone had pulled some strings for you. All we knew is that Master Ren was very weary of you, and we could sense his uneasiness. Because of our bond, we were also uneasy in your presence." He said it so factually, no hint of emotion in his voice. He was honest because he had no reason to lie. The raw and hurting Vicrul you had seen the other day was gone, most likely for good. You didn't blame him.

"I'm sorry." 

He chuckled again, though you couldn't hear a smile behind the sound. "For what?"

"For making you guys think badly of me. I hate knowing that you thought I was some kind of terrible person all this time."

"You don't need to apologize." Vicrul simply shrugged and looked in the window, checking on the motionless man strapped to the chair. You almost wished the prisoner would try to put up a fight to save you from a long and boring night.

You stared at your saber, not knowing what else to say to Vicrul. Although some of the walls between you and the knights had been broken recently, you still felt layers of thick concrete hovering between you. You couldn't even imagine their situation as kids, fighting for their lives while hovering on the brink of death. You wondered if Vicrul thought of those days often, and if that was why he was so pensive. If Cardo thought of _his_ past often, he didn't show it. You preferred to imagine the alternative past you'd made up for him instead, working at a beachfront shop with an olive-skinned, green-eyed family.

Vicrul's low voice cut through the silence again. "Master Ren's attitude toward you has... _changed_ somehow. We can feel it."

That got your attention. You hated the flutter that twinged in your stomach. "How so?" You did your best to keep your voice even and cool. After all, what did you care what Kylo thought of you?

"I don't really know. He just seems more open to you." He set his weapon gently on the floor then and looked down the hall. "Cardo's coming." 

"Surprise!" Cardo rounded the corner, blaster in one hand and a metal tin from the cafeteria in the other. "Look at you losers stuck on guard duty." He smiled as he approached, waving the tin like a trophy.

"What, you brought us some shitty food? How thoughtful." Vicrul said as he took off his helmet. His dark eyebrows furrowed together as he looked at his brother skeptically. You didn't blame him, the colorless goop in the cafeteria wasn't exactly gourmet. But seeing as you had almost starved to death multiple times in your life, you really had no basis to complain.

"You know, we have a kitchen in the apartment." You pointed out. "You could always cook."

Both men stared at you blankly before bursting into laughter. You couldn't help but return a smile at the sound of their happiness. "You know, that might be the dumbest thing you've ever said." Cardo teased, setting his blaster down at his feet. "Seeing as how I'm a great friend and all, I come bearing a rare and much coveted cuisine." He got down on one knee and made an exaggerated show of opening the metal tin.

You peered inside, and you immediately jumped back in surprise. "Cupcakes!" You shouted, your squeal echoing down the long hall.

"No fucking way." Vicrul said slowly, taking a look for himself. They were truly beautiful: yellow cupcakes frosted with chocolate icing and covered in white sprinkles. On Starkiller Base, dessert was an extra expense. A luxury. The First Order never spent time or money on such frivolous items.

You tore off your helmet before snatching a treat from the box. It tasted amazing. " _Stars_." You sighed as you savored the treat. Vicrul, on the other hand, ate his cupcake in two bites before quickly donning his helmet over his dark hair again.

Cardo kept his green eyes fixed on you as you licked a bit of icing from your thumb. "Thank you." You smiled at him, but became worried as his smile faded to a frown.

"Woah. What happened to your neck?" Shit. 

He took a step toward you as you took a step backward. You covered the splotches with your hand, trying to wave it off. "Oh, nothing. I had to resume my training with Ky-, uh, Master Ren again this morning, and I got a little banged up." You felt your cheeks burning. You quickly picked your helmet up and shoved it roughly back on your head.

"That kind of looks like a serious bruise. Are you-"

"I'm fine." You snapped, taking back your position against the wall opposite Vicrul. 

Cardo shrugged and let it go, much to your relief. You took comfort in the fact that they'd probably never believe you even if you did tell them the truth. The thought was almost comical.

"Well, you two try not to let this guy escape. He looks vicious." Cardo picked up his blaster and mock saluted the two of you before walking back down the hall.

The rest of the shift was spent mostly in silence. Although you now considered Vicrul somewhat of a friend, you didn't necessarily know how to bond with him. It would be much easier to run the training course or to go for a jog than to make small talk. With five minutes to go though, he broke the silence. "You know, Cardo never thought you were that different from us."

You remembered how he had wrapped his arm around you, steadying you as you walked down the long hallway after returning from Hoth, approaching Snoke. You remembered how he had drunkenly pulled you onto his lap on the Night Buzzard after going to the cantina. How he'd knocked on your door every day after your little episode. For some reason, you felt a twinge of guilt. "I know."

The next five minutes inched by. Finally, a stormtrooper rounded the corner. "FN2187 reporting for guard duty."

"Where is your watch partner?" Vicrul asked, running his finger along his blade again. He towered over the stormtrooper as the fear in the air became palpable. 

"He's in the cafeteria grabbing a cupcake, Sir. He'll be right up." The man was practically shaking. You smirked, thinking he must be new.

Vicrul looked at you for confirmation and you shrugged, stepping aside for the trooper.

You had only managed to take your mask off and set it on your shared living room coffee table before the alarms went off. The room was filled with red light and blaring sirens announcing a code blue. As you and Vicrul made eye contact from across the room, you felt the blood drain from your face. 

_Code Blue._

_Escaped Prisoner._

Neither of you hesitated before sprinting out of the apartment toward the hangar bay. When you got there, it was pure chaos. 

Stormtroopers were firing relentlessly at a TIE Fighter that was still tethered to its dock. Several other Fighters were on fire or damaged, crumbled into the usually pristine floors. You and Vicrul didn't waste time before grabbing blasters and joining the line of fire. It was useless though, those ships were strong. The red blaze of the guns weren't even scratching the surface of the thick black metal. However, as soon as you fired your first shot, the gun of the TIE Fighter swirled around and obliterated the thick cord holding it to the dock. 

The floor rumbled under your feet before you were thrown backward with the force of the explosion. As you were flying through the air, you managed to catch a glimpse of the TIE Fighter hurdling into space. You tried to force yourself off the floor and continue firing at the escaped prisoner, but you were barreled down again by the strength of the wind coming off of the other Fighters that were immediately deployed in response. 

As soon as the wind died down, you got to your feet and scanned the room, looking for the other knights. You needed to pursue them in the Night Buzzard if you had any hope of bringing the pilot back to Kylo alive. Doctors from the med bay swarmed into the room like ants and began tending to the wounded stormtroopers while other workers hosed down the fire that blazed on the empty TIE Fighter dock. As soon as you spotted Vicrul, you both started heading toward the second hangar where your ship was waiting. Neither of you had managed but a few steps before being yanked backward and landing flat on your asses. 

The commotion in the room immediately died to a deafening silence.

"What the _fuck_ was that?" You looked up and saw your master standing above you, General Hux at his side. You could feel that Kylo was absolutely fuming. 

Vicrul got to his feet immediately and ducked his head down in submission. "Master Ren, the prisoner-"

"I know about the fucking prisoner!" Kylo yelled. The huge room was dead quiet, all eyes locking on the leader that was exploding before them. You got up slowly, raising your hands up to surrender. "What the fuck where you two doing that you allowed this to happen?" 

"Kylo-"

"Master Ren-" You and Vicrul started at the same time. However, you were cut off by Kylo grabbing Vicrul by the throat with the force and sending him hurdling across the room. He slammed into a steel container, the sound of his armor grating loudly against the metal. Your mouth fell open in shock. You had never seen Kylo treat one of his knights so disrespectfully. They would never do anything to deliberately go against him, and he knew that. 

Vicrul tried to stand up, but Kylo stopped him by holding out his gloved palm. The knight's hands flew to his throat, trying to rid himself of the invisible menace that was choking the life out of him. The other knights stood a good distance away, watching in silence. They would never stand in their master's way, even if he was hurting their bother. 

You couldn't watch this. After all, you were the one who had let the trooper take the shift to guard the prisoner on his own. You lunged forward, pushing away Kylo's arm and breaking his force hold on poor Vicrul. "Kylo, stop! It's not his fault!" 

Kylo shoved you away roughly, but otherwise ignored your outburst. He turned instead to Hux, who wore his usual smirk. "I can't wait until Snoke hears about this." Hux threatened. 

"Find. That. Prisoner." Kylo spat at him. 

"Master, should we prepare the Night Buzz-" Ushar stepped forward loyally, trying to make amends for the group of knights as a whole. 

"No. Just make sure you do your goddamn job next time." He pushed passed Ushar and yelled at everyone in the room. "What the fuck are you looking at? Get back to work!" With that, he ignited his saber and stormed from the room, mostly likely on his way to destroy an entire wing of the base. 


	10. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! TW: Violence, blood, injuries, physical abuse, and Kylo being toxic and manipulative as usual (I'm sorry I promise he treats us better soon). Also, I don't condone any of Kylo's behavior. This is fun to enjoy in a fictional story format but being treated like this in real life is 100% not okay. !!
> 
> Please see my note at the end for character inspo!!

"Focus!" Kylo raised his voice at you, but you continued to squeeze your eyes shut. You could still see the orange hue of the bright training room lights behind your eyelids. You heard the rumble of footsteps outside the blast doors and the radio sound of voices speaking over communicators. 

You could do anything _but_ focus.

"I'm trying." You whined, squeezing your eyes shut tighter. Across the training room was a thick sheet of metal, and you were supposed to disfigure it. It was one thing to close doors or to summon objects, but bending metal was a whole new ballgame. 

"Not hard enough." Kylo pressed. You heard him step closer to you. You could feel his breath on your cheek, the familiar scent of leather and faint mint filling your nostrils. You inhaled deeply before you could stop yourself. Instead of backing away, you felt him run a finger along the side of your neck. His calloused knuckles lightly grazed the healing bruises on your skin. It had been a few days since your night together in the library, but faint splotches were still visible. "I guess I sort of made a mess of you." He murmured, barely audible.

Your eyes fluttered open then, locking on his. For someone who didn't want you, he sure liked to get awfully close. He stared back at you for a moment before his deep brown eyes moved lower, fixing on your lips. You were sure that time was passing, but you felt frozen in that moment. You were starting to feel it again, whatever force was tying you to your master. Your chest ached. 

Finally he broke away, grabbing his helmet off the wood floor. "Let's go." 

"W-what?" It was hard to find your voice.

"You need to be able to focus. Follow me." 

You trailed him across the base like some kind of pet, watching his black cape flowing behind him menacingly. When you finally stopped outside some familiar black double doors, your mouth became dry. You reminded yourself to stick to your resolve--you couldn't be with him again. If he tried anything, you'd force yourself to shove him away. It was for your own good. 

You followed him through the doors and across the living area. You ended up in a small room you had never seen before. The walls were black and the space was vacant, save for a few steel chests in the corner. Some empty shelves were mounted on the walls. You watched as Kylo dragged one of the chests into the center of the dark room before backing away and looking at you expectantly. He motioned to the chest as if to say _go ahead._

"Crush this chest like you did to that base." He said, as if it were as simple as crumbling a piece of paper. 

"Kylo, I really don't think I can." He looked at you, his expression unreadable behind his mask. "Sorry, I mean 'Master Ren.'" 

"Crush the chest." 

You knew he wouldn't let up, so you closed your eyes and let out a deep breath. You tried to imagine the force flowing through you. You pictured the chest bending to your will. 

...Nothing. 

"I _told_ you. I can't just turn it on and off." 

"The good thing about the dark side of the force is that you can rely on your emotions. You can let them influence you." He walked toward you, arms crossed. "Don't think about the bullshit you learned from Luke. Don't clear your mind--get angry. Get passionate about something." A leather hand reached out and brushed your hair off your shoulder.

You turned to look up at him, annoyed. You'd known him for years, and that was the first teacher-like instruction he'd ever given you. "You know, your mood swings are giving me whiplash. I thought you said we weren't doing this." 

"Doing what?" His voice sounded flat and emotionless through the vocoder. "I thought we were friends." 

Your mouth dropped open in shock--you couldn't help yourself. " _Friends?_ Kylo Ren wants a _friend_?"

You felt the energy shift as he moved away from you again. He was becoming impatient. "Just crush the damn box." 

You closed your eyes again. _Get mad. Get mad._

You pictured the box folding in on itself. You imagined the way you felt on Hoth, the betrayal and sadness flowing through every inch of your body. 

To your surprise, you heard the shift of metal against the tiled floor. Your eyes snapped open in excitement, only to find that the box had moved a few feet in the other direction. "Shit." You whispered, rubbing your aching temples. 

Before he could get mad at you again, the room was filled with the loud beeping of Kylo's datapad. He pulled it out of a large pocket in his cloak and grimaced. "Snoke." He didn't bother another glance in your direction before swiftly exiting the dark room and then his quarters all together. 

_Well, I guess that's my cue to leave._ You rolled your eyes. You were about to turn around and head back to your room to watch a Holodrama and feel sorry for yourself, but something held you back. You suddenly felt a nagging energy you couldn't explain. It was overpowering.

You stared at the cold steel of the chests on the floor, curious of their contents. Kylo's quarters were absolutely spotless, bearing no hint of personality or unique quality... Was it possible that these chests held some personal relic that would allow you to know more about him? You thought of Ben Solo, the prodigy of the Temple. He used to smile easily, effortlessly gaining admirers. The last person you'd have ever expected to turn to the dark side. You had always wondered what caused him to leave Luke behind, and now, alone in Kylo's room, you might be able to figure it out. The temptation was irresistible. 

You crept back to the chest that you had been trying to crush and opened it slowly. 

Empty. 

You sighed. _See? Nothing to look for._

Yet you still felt a push from the force, urging you forward. You were conflicted. 

You walked over to the other chests in the corner and stared down at them, apprehensive. What if what you found wasn't something that could show you a leftover hint of Ben Solo behind this dark and brooding man, but something truly evil? You decided to ignore your better judgment and open the box, if for no reason other than to help put Kylo out of your mind. To convince you that he was bad news. If you did find something really bad, then maybe you would stop thinking about him spreading your legs open while you laid on that table.

You slowly lifted open the lid, finding a melted chunk of black material. You ran your fingers over the ridges that seemed to resemble a skull. The force appeared to buzz around the object--a sort of warning.

Then it hit you. 

You stepped back, almost tripping over your feet. Sure, you had willingly joined the dark side of the force. You followed Snoke's commands in order to bring unity and order to the galaxy. But this... it felt wrong somehow. 

You closed the lid and exited Kylo's quarters as fast as possible. The further away you got from the charred helmet of Darth Vader, the more you were able to chalk your fear up to simply being uncomfortable seeing something so deeply personal to Kylo. You knew that he was related to Darth Vader, but seeing tangible evidence was overwhelming. You imagined that living up to the legacy of the man that formed the Empire must be nearly impossible. No wonder Kylo was constantly in such a terrible mood. 

Your feet had taken you all the way back to your shared quarters, though you had no memory of the walk. When you opened the door to your apartment, you were hit with the sweet smell of baked goods. It caught you off guard because usually the place smelled like the sweaty socks that your roommates left everywhere. When you peered around the corner, you were shocked to see Vicrul and Ap'lek standing in the kitchen, each wearing an apron. Around the table were the other four knights, staring at empty plates in front of them. If there was ever a sight that would drive Kylo out of your mind, it was that.

"Dare I even ask what's going on?"

"Vic decided to try his hand at baking, and Ap'lek decided to make it a competition." Kuruk said, drumming on his plate with a fork and knife. 

"Wow, and after you _laughed_ at me for suggesting you try to cook your own meals?" You feigned shock as you hoisted yourself up to sit on the edge of the counter. "This might be the first time the kitchen has ever been used by someone other than me."

"It's not like you _really_ cook. Making instant meals in the microwave doesn't count." Ap'lek waved a wooden spoon at you. You noticed that the few wavy strands of hair that escaped his messy bun were covered in flour.

"Okay, so when do we actually get to eat?" Kuruk groaned. 

"You can't rush perfection." Vicrul said seriously, bending down and examining a few frosted cupcakes that were sitting on the stove. In typical Vicrul fashion, he wanted to be perfect at everything.

"There's no way yours are going to be better than mine, might as well just get it over with." Ap'lek shoved him out of the way. 

After a few moments, each plate on the table was decorated with two cupcakes. Admittedly, Vicrul's did look better. Ap'lek's looked like it was frosted by a two-year-old. You grabbed one of Vicrul's cupcakes and leaned back against the cupboard, savoring the sweet scent. You had been spoiled this week with two cupcakes. 

"Sorry dude, Vicrul definitely wins." Cardo said, leaning back in his chair and patting his stomach happily.

"That's bullshit!" Ap'lek ripped off his apron dramatically and threw it on the floor. 

You watched Cardo and Ap'lek bicker, laughing at them with the others. In that moment, it was easy to forget about your failure to wield the force. It was easy to forget about Kylo. 

You jumped off the counter, dodging Ap'lek's wooden spoon as he swung at Cardo. Cardo retaliated by grabbing a cupcake and launching it at his attacker, but he missed and ended up hitting Trudgen in the face. 

At that moment, you knew you'd be trying to get chocolate icing out of the crevices of the kitchen until the end of time. 

The room erupted into a chaos of flying baked goods. You got on your hands and knees and tried to make an escape by crawling into the living room, but you felt an arm grab you around the waist and pull you back. You yelped as Cardo lifted you off the ground and wiped his icing covered hand down your face. You wriggled out of his grasp and attempted to find something to get him back, but you were interrupted by the sound of your apartment door flying open and slamming against the wall with a loud crack. 

Everyone stopped immediately and watched as Kylo rounded the corner. The light-hearted atmosphere quickly shifted to one of tension and anger. Your small moment that you had allowed yourself to forget about Kylo and the First Order was whisked away. 

Ushar straightened up, always loyal and ready to be at Kylo's service. "Master Ren, we weren't aware that you would be visiting." 

"As I suspected, Hux's army of idiots were unable to retrieve the droid. It is now in the possession of the traitor and a scavenger girl. They are being aided by..." He paused and cleared his throat. "Being aided by Han Solo. We must go back to Takodana immediately." The energy you felt around him was strange. If you didn't know any better, you would have thought he might be afraid of something. You pictured the warped helmet of Vader in his closet, the pressure of a collapsed empire. The pressure of his own father aiding the resistance to work against him.

Everyone stared at Kylo, trying to digest the information. You jumped when he slammed a leather fist against the wall. "I said _immediately_! Get to the damn ship!" He yelled. The angry sound of the vocoder rattled your teeth. 

There was a chorus of "Yes, Master Ren" before everyone jumped into action. 

***

Takodana looked different in the daylight. On any other day, you would have thought the contrast of the vibrant green forest against the sparkling blue water was beautiful. But today was different. 

The atmosphere in the Night Buzzard was one of pure focus. You could feel a powerful energy surrounding your friends, shrouding them in clouds of violence and brutality. Once Master Ren commanded them to do something, they would not rest until it was done. They fed off of him, his hatred for the resistance. You could feel their hostility spilling over. It was as if they had suddenly been hit with the sheer _need_ to kill. 

This time, you didn't bother with stealth as you entered the planet. Your entourage landed directly on the grounds of the old castle, causing the colorful hanging flags to flail wildly against the wind. 

As soon as you exited the ship, you were enveloped in chaos. Stormtroopers had already flooded the premises and were being met with a string of shots from the patrons of the cantina. Screams pierced the air as you did your best to scan your surroundings through clouds of dust. Your instructions had been very clear: find the droid. An orange and white BB unit. 

Kylo and his knights fanned out, splitting up in search of the precious map. You hunched down behind a large boulder, dodging a stream of blasts that were aimed in your direction. You tried stay low to the ground, using the rocky terrain to your advantage. You backed up slowly toward the forest behind you, aiming shots at anyone who appeared to be obstructing your search. You didn't typically enjoy ambushes like this, but if people were trying to withhold information from the First Order, they needed to be dealt with accordingly. This was your job. Your life. And the way you saw it, it was their lives or yours. 

"Look out!" You heard Vicrul's shout at the exact moment you turned to see a man charging toward you with a large sword. Vicrul stepped into your line of sight and made quick work of him, driving his scythe into his chest and pulling it back out in one swift motion. 

"Thanks," You yelled as the two of you stood back to back, blasting at the shroud of people that ran out of the old castle. "I think their numbers are starting to fade!" 

Right on cue, as if you had somehow jinxed it, you heard the unmistakable rumble of resistance ships overhead. You looked up through the tinted visor of your helmet and felt nauseous as you watched hundreds of X-Wing planes come into view, shooting down at the hoards of stormtroopers and First Order ships. You started to run, but you barely made it a few feet before you were thrown into the air by an explosion next to you. Your body bounced in the dirt like rag doll, your head spinning. You saw several troopers around you, lying motionless on the ground. You tried to do a quick a mental assessment of yourself only to realize you couldn't hear anything or even feel your limbs, so you abandoned that notion.

You rose to your feet and unsteadily began to run back toward the castle. You snatched your lightsaber out of your belt and began to aid the stormtroopers that were now facing the onslaught of rebels that had overtaken the shore. If you could somehow move through the open battle zone near the shore, maybe you could search the castle for the droid. You couldn't hear the blaze of red heat vibrating in your hand as it sliced through the armor of your enemies, but you could feel it through the force, an extension of you. Your ears rang as you fought your way through the sea of clashing bodies, inching closer to the building that could be hiding the map. 

You were almost through the battlefield when you suddenly felt a piercing stab to your shoulder. The pain radiated down your arm as if your skin had been engulfed in flames. You turned around and swung with your saber, deflecting the next blast that would have hit you square in the back. Before you could spot your attacker, you were flying through the air again from yet another explosion. As you were thrown backward, you could have sworn you saw someone on a pile of rocks holding a blue lightsaber. 

When you hit the ground, you tried to at least get on your hands and knees. However, you toppled over as soon as you put weight on the arm that had just been blasted. You fumbled around with your good arm, attempting to find your lightsaber. As soon as your hand clasped around the familiar metal, you felt the wind swirl around you as a nearby ship lifted off the ground. 

Kylo's ship.

Leaving?

"We've been ordered to retreat, we have the map." Ushar's voice boomed into your ear through your communicator. 

You immediately joined the surprisingly small number of remaining stormtroopers that were running back toward the First Order ships. As you bounded up the ramp and into the Night Buzzard, you looked around, expecting to be the last one on board. To your surprise, Vicrul and Ap'lek were still straggling toward the ship with the surviving troopers. You ripped your helmet off and slumped back into a seat, sighing heavily. As soon as the last two were on board, Ushar gave Kuruk the go-ahead to take off. 

The only sound as you sped through the galaxy toward Starkiller Base was everyone's heavy breathing. The seven of you looked like hell. That ambush by the resistance surely was not expected--you had no idea the rebels even had that many soldiers. People on Starkiller Base were constantly talking about how the resistance numbers were pitiful. How easy it would be to take them down once it came time for a final stand off. The only thing that was pitiful was the way that the First Order handled that battle. You felt shame in the air as Kuruk piloted the ship toward what was sure to be an absolute tantrum from Kylo. Or Hux. Or both. 

You surveyed your upper arm where you had been hit with the blaster. It was oozing blood, but it was a pretty shallow cut. You pulled your sleeve to dab the blood. 

"You okay?" Cardo asked, plopping down in the seat next to you. His lip was bleeding and he was holding a cloth to a gash on his forehead, but he was smiling as if he had just won a game of Dejarik. 

"Did you lose your helmet or something?" It was surprising to see a face injury. Normally their masks allowed them to get through battles unscathed.

"It came off during one of the explosions." 

"I told you to get it fixed after it cracked during our last mission." Ushar crossed his arms and glared at Cardo. It would be embarrassing to return looking so defeated, and as Kylo's right hand man, he was bracing himself for the brunt of his anger.

The rest of the journey was spent in silence. When you returned to the base, you were pleased to see that no one was waiting in the hangar bay to lecture everyone. Perhaps the fact that Kylo now had the map in his possession would overshadow your defeat. You were able to get back to your quarters and clean up before your datapad's alarm went off with your next assignment: you were being summoned for the next guard shift of a new prisoner. 

You became excited as you rounded the corner of the long hallway that led to the interrogation chamber. Maybe while you were down there, you'd be able to get a glimpse of the famous BB unit. After all, that was probably the closest you'd get to the information about Luke since you dragged everyone to Hoth. You imagined that Kylo would probably confide in Ushar and Trudgen and leave everyone else in the dark so you couldn't screw anything up... and you couldn't necessarily blame him. 

"Hi, where's the new prisoner?" You asked one of the stormtroopers that lined the hallway. The security had really been amped up after the first prisoner escaped. 

He gestured to the same room the pilot had been held in. You peered through the window in the door and made eye contact with a girl. She was small, wearing tattered clothes, and looked very tired. She looked back at you though, her gaze unwavering. Though you could sense her fear, you also sensed determination. You wondered if she was important to the resistance, and if they would try to come rescue her. You doubted it though, no one had ever come to rescue a prisoner before. That was just the nature of war... everyone was expendable.

You took your position outside the door and stared at the blank wall in front of you. Your upper arm was aching where you had bandaged your wound. You rolled your shoulders, trying to find a comfortable position. You wondered if Kylo had seen the map already, and if he was on his way to Luke. You wondered if he would kill Luke on the spot, or bring him back to the base first. Would he give him a quick death, or would he torture him like he so enjoyed doing to his captives? If he did bring Luke here, would the resistance rescue _him_? If you saw Luke again, what would you say?

These thoughts consumed you until you were brought out of your head by Trudgen walking down the hall, his large cleaver slung lazily over his shoulder. "I'm here to relieve you." He sounded fatigued.

"I've only been here for an hour." You replied, confused. 

"Well, Master Ren wants to see you. He asked that you meet him in the library." 

Suddenly, you felt nauseous. You wracked your brain for things that you could have done to get yourself in trouble. Sure, the First Order lost that battle, but you hadn't made any grave mistakes. You thought you had actually taken out a decent number of people. Could this be about Luke?

"Thanks." You replied, already walking away. 

Your heart was pounding when you opened the doors to the library. The room was dark, the only light coming from the outdoor lamps outside the window. You pulled your helmet off and stepped further inside. "Master Ren?" You called out, but got no reply. 

You walked further into the room toward the fireplace. Your book was still on the floor where you had left it days ago. 

"You have something that I want." 

"Kriff!" You turned around to find Kylo right behind you. He was sweating, his hair sticking in strands to his forehead. His eyes narrowed on you like an animal sizing up their prey. "You scared me." 

"You have something I want, and it's time you give it to me." He spat, chest heaving. Standing in front of you was the image of a man becoming truly unhinged. For the first time since you fought him in front of Snoke, you were truly afraid of Kylo Ren. You truly felt that your life was in danger.

You backed up slowly and set your helmet on the couch. You had an uneasy feeling that you might need your hands to reach for your saber. "Kylo, I don't know what you're talking about."

He laughed a cold, menacing laugh. "I talked to the prisoner. I got the map to your old master!" He threw his hands up in the air and you noticed that they were ungloved. Bare and shaking. 

"That's great!" You said, feigning happiness. You continued to back away. Eventually you could get around the couch and make a break for the door. "I'm so happy that you got it." 

"Stop moving when I'm trying to speak to you." He commanded, closing the space between you. He reached out and cupped your face, stroking your cheek with his thumb. "First you, little one, and now the scavenger girl. I don't know how you're blocking me out." He said quietly. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." You stared up at him, holding your breath. 

"If this resistance scum is blocking me out, and you're blocking me out... that must mean you're trying to hide something." He lowered his hand to your neck, stretching his long fingers across your throat but not squeezing. Yet. 

"I told you I'm not doing it on purpose. Please, Kylo. I'm sorry." You pleaded, fear rising in your chest. Your hand moved to your belt and curled around your lightsaber. 

"Don't lie to me!" He exclaimed, tightening his grip on your windpipe. You gasped, hands involuntarily rising up to try to pry this fingers off of you. 

"I'm-I'm not!" You choked. 

He let go then, throwing you on the ground. "Then let me in!" He shouted, head tilted up toward the ceiling. 

You scrambled to your feet and tried to run for the door, but he stopped you with the force and pulled you back so far that you slammed into the wall next to the fireplace. He held you there as he paced in front of you, no doubt planning your death. 

"Kylo-" 

"Shut up!" You were stopped by the crack of his hand connecting with your cheek. Your eyes welled up with tears as you stared at the mad man in front of you. He looked like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He paced the room for a while before coming back to you and stroking your face gently. "I'm sorry." He whispered with shaky breath. "I'm sorry." He kissed your cheek and began pacing again. 

"Kylo, I'm sorry. I don't know how." You said sadly. He looked pitiful, filled with anguish. You were terrified, but you also wanted to ease his pain. What was wrong with you?

He came over to you and put his hand gently back on your throat, rubbing your skin with his thumb. "Please." He whispered, eyes wide. You could see the individual beads of sweat on his forehead. His eyes were bloodshot. You looked at him with sympathy and shook your head. "Please!" He raised his voice, digging his fingertips into your skin. 

"Kylo! You're hurting me!" You gasped, but he only squeezed harder. You clawed at his hands, but he didn't left go. "Stop!" You kicked his leg, but he didn't even flinch. 

Your vision was starting to get blurry. With as many times as you were thrown by the explosions today, your head couldn't take it. Your fingertips stared to tingle and you dropped your hands to your sides in defeat. Small bursts of color formed behind your eyelids as you choked and gasped for air. Your body was beginning to give up, but your head was screaming for you to fight back. To stay alive. 

You balled your hands into fists and gritted your teeth together as you pictured the big wall of windows behind you shattering. Like magic, glass rained over the two of you in a razor sharp shower. When Kylo let go, you fell to your knees as you sucked in the sweet, crisp air. He grabbed your arm to pull you up, but as soon as you were on your feet, you punched him in the face. 

"Fuck!" He stepped back, blood pouring from his nose. The wind outside was blowing heaps of snow into library, quickly coating the shelves with a frosty layer. As if you were watching the black of night fade into a sunrise, the crazed glint in Kylo eyes slowly dissolved. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" You demanded, cradling your hand that had just connected with his nose. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He whispered frantically, as if he'd only just now realized that he almost killed you. He tried to reach for you but you jumped out of the way. You wouldn't give him another chance to end your life. He didn't stop you when you made for the door, glass crunching under your boots. 

When you finally made it back to your apartment, you double and triple checked that the door was locked. Your shaking fingers left small prints of blood on the door. Of course Kylo had a key, but at least if the door was locked you'd have some kind of warning, and maybe even a minute to escape. You made your way to the dark kitchen and tried to wash the blood that was dripping from the multiple glass wounds on your palms. For some reason, that hurt ten times more than the blaster grazing your arm earlier. "Shit." You whispered, grabbing a towel that was coated with chocolate icing from the food fight earlier. That happy afternoon seemed a lifetime away. 

"What's going on?" Cardo walked into the kitchen, running a hand through his black curls. He was wearing nothing but gray sweatpants that hung low on his waist. The cut on his head had been sewn up by someone in the med bay. 

"Ugh. Training with Master Ren." You slumped into a chair and sighed.

He grabbed your punching hand, causing you to grown in pain. "These cuts look really bad." He started rooting through the cabinets then, but couldn't find what he was looking for. "Hold on." He came back a few moments later with a roll of gauze and some tape. 

After turning on the lights, he pulled a chair out from the table and sat across from you to wrap your hands. "Thanks." You were too tired to fight back. He carefully pulled a small shard of glass from your palm. 

You looked up a minute later and noticed that Vicrul was standing in the doorway, leaning casually against the frame. His eyes were fixed on your hands. 

"Training with Master Ren." You muttered. 

"Better your hands than your _neck_." Vicrul said pointedly. Something about the way he said it caused the burn of embarrassment to spread across your face. You looked back down at your hands being tenderly wrapped by Cardo. 

When he was done he patted your knee and stood up, flashing you his perfect white smile. "Good as new." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU for the sweet comments on the last chapter. I appreciate everyone who is reading, commenting, leaving kudos, etc <3 It means the world. And moving forward, I'm going to do my absolute best to limit the descriptions of the reader character so that everyone is included. 
> 
> I thought it might be interesting to see how I imagine the Knights of Ren, so here are the people I used as my loose inspo. These aren't exact representations, but just sort of how I picture them. 
> 
> \--CARDO: Jesse Williams when he has his longer, curly dark hair. (It's the guy that plays Jackson on Grey's Anatomy)   
> \--VICRUL: James Lafferty (the guy that played Nathan Scott on One Tree Hill- but like older lol not the high school version.)  
> \--USHAR: Daniel Kaluuya (from Get Out)  
> \--TRUDGEN: Richard Madden (aka Robb Stark)  
> \--AP'LEK: Harry Styles when he has really long hair lmaoooo don't hate me  
> \--KURUK: Sam Claflin when he has facial hair (aka Finnick Odair)
> 
> Random side note: I imagine Ap'lek and Kuruk to kind of have Weasley twin vibes--like always messing with the ship and being kind of silly. I hope this helps you get into the story a little bit more and picture things. :)


	11. The Solos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a long boi (by my standards) as a Christmas present. I love you for reading this. <3
> 
> !! TW: violence, injuries, blood, large-scale death, sexual content !!

You should have been tired. You had taken a pretty good beating on Takodana, and then another in the library thanks to your wonderful master. It felt _amazing_ when you finally eased your body into bed and curled up under the clean sheets... but sleep never came. You continuously checked your datapad, watching the time tick by as you lost precious hours of slumber.

Your head was pounding from the various times that it had been slammed into the rocky terrain outside Maz Kanada's castle. Your hands ached everywhere from the tiny shards of glass that had been embedded under your skin. You probably should have called for a medic droid to make sure all of the pieces were out, but you didn't have the energy. You couldn't sit there anymore with Cardo being so nice and Vicrul seeming oddly suspicious of you. You wished that you could tell them the truth- that Kylo _still_ hadn't figured out a way into your head. That you had somehow forged a strange connection with him that left you struggling between searing hatred and unexplainable, unprecedented need for him. You wished you could ask them what to do, how to handle this. How to make things go back to normal.

But you couldn't.

So you just shut your mouth and stared at the ceiling until the noise of your datapad caused you to turn over and groan. Was it really time to wake up already? You had just-

Wait, it was just a message. From Kylo.

'Need to talk to you'

Sure, like you were supposed to believe he wanted to talk. _Not_ beat the shit out of you. _Not_ choke you to death. You rolled your eyes and tossed the datapad to the side. At the moment, your searing hatred for him was definitely winning out over... whatever else you felt. You squeezed your eyes shut and physically tried to will yourself to sleep. There was no way your body would heal without rest.

Sleep.

 _Sleep_ -

You bolted out of bed as the door of your room slowly creaked open. You didn't even think, you just acted. You were on your feet in seconds, knees bent and ready to attack, reaching your hand out to summon your lightsaber. However, the moment it crashed into your palm you screamed out in pain and let it fall to the floor.

"Are you okay?" There was no mistaking the deep baritone voice of the man in the doorway. He flicked on the light, illuminating the harsh worry lines that should never be that noticeable on someone so young. His hair and clothing were disheveled like before, but this time his eyes were calm and grounded.

"Shit, you scared me." You braced yourself to pick up your lightsaber, no matter how bad it was going to hurt your raw hands.

"I... needed to talk to you." He took a step forward. You were so torn between running into his arms and telling him that everything would be okay, and shoving him out your door as fast as possible.

"Don't touch me." You said firmly, backing up. He looked hurt, but you stood your ground. Finally, after a period of silence that lasted a little too long, he held up his hands as if to show you he didn't mean any harm. As if he couldn't kill people with _just_ his bare hands. One flick of his wrist.

You sighed and sat down on the bed in defeat, deciding to trust him for now. You never claimed to be smart. "What do you want?"

He sat next to you, the bed creaking under his weight. He looked so big compared to your small mattress. "I wanted to... apologize."

"I don't know what's weirder, the fact that you just broke into my room or the fact that Kylo Ren is saying sorry for anything." You mentally kicked yourself as soon as the words tumbled out of your lips. For someone who had recently almost been killed by this man, you were awfully bold. There had been something different about him in the library though... a crazed glint in his eye. Right now, he seemed almost normal. Almost like a friend. You looked at your hands, watching fresh blood seep through the bandage from the pressure of your saber.

"I know... I know it's not your fault. I just... the scavenger girl... she can use the force. And she's strong. She doesn't know the extent of her power."

"Why are you keeping her alive then?"

"I can't explain it... but I think the Resistance will come looking for her. I think she's going to be an asset to them."

"So what's the plan?" You stared at him, not able to make a connection about why this was so important. All you could feel was your burning anger starting to slip away.

"I think I might try to get her to join the First Order. I think that if she learned to control her power, she could be useful." He looked up at you and met your eyes, giving you a small smirk. Even in the dim light, that expression made your stomach do flips. "Just like you."

"I see." You murmured, your eyes finally starting to feel heavy at the most inopportune time.

"And if the resistance _does_ come looking for her... well, I think there's something I'm going to have to do. I need to sever myself from them somehow."

You weren't sure quite how to respond to this sudden confession. This might be more than he's ever said to you on one occasion, and the nature of the information somehow seemed better suited for Ushar and Trudgen. You never knew about his detailed plans to battle the resistance, his innermost thoughts about the connections he has through his family. The light and dark pulling at him from both directions. You feared that anything you said would seem insincere, so you settled for "Okay."

"I am sorry though." He slowly reached out and took your hand, staring at the red marks seeping through the clean white gauze. "You... were right."

"About?"

"The... I don't know... _feeling_. I feel it too. The force connecting us in some way. I feel it too." He said quietly, almost as if it was painful to admit it. He gently played with your fingers as you stared at him incredulously. You felt an incredibly warm feeling spread across your body, so sugary sweet that it was hard to comprehend that it was induced by Kylo fucking Ren. From your head to your toes, you felt comforted. Validated. It was as if you finally received something you didn't even know you had been waiting for.

You bit your lip, afraid to somehow mess this moment up. You felt like you needed to apologize too, even though nothing that had happened that night was actually your fault. All you wanted was to never see him so crazed and upset again, but you didn't know exactly how to accomplish that. You watched the dim morning glow of the sun slowly start to peak through your window. When you finally did open your mouth to say something, you were suddenly cut off by the blaring of a strangely familiar alarm.

A Code Blue.

You and Kylo both sprang into action. You grabbed your saber, wincing at the pain, and pulled your boots on. You heard the rustling of your roommates gathering their guns and armor in their rooms. You were about to exit your door when Kylo turned around to face you, already opening the main door to leave the apartment. "Pants." Was all he said before turning and swiftly leaving, his lightsaber blazing in the dark hallway.

You looked down at your legs, just barely covered by a large t-shirt. _Shit_. Not only had another prisoner escaped, but you had just had an entire conversation with Kylo in your underwear. And you didn't even realize it.

Suddenly Ap'lek popped into your vision, making for the door with his large cleaver. When he passed you he did a double-take, but luckily his expression was hidden by his mask. "Um, you might want to put on pants!" He called to you as he made his way through the main door.

In minutes, you were making your way through the hallways quickly and quietly (and fully clothed). Different hoards of troopers occasionally marched past you on the way to their posts. You listened to the voices of Kylo and the other knights in your communicator, clearing different locations of the base.

"If you find the prisoner, I want her alive and brought to me."

"Yes, Master Ren." Ushar.

"Cafeteria clear." Kuruk.

"South bridge clear." Vicrul.

You peered into the hangar bay, lightsaber ignited and ready. The main gate was closed, and different pods of stormtroopers were stationed outside of each escape shuttle. Their chrome-suited leader was standing in front of them barking orders. You made a quick round, making sure to look around the boxes of cargo and containers of ship parts. "Hangar bay clear."

"Someone needs to go to the tower and make sure the deflector shields are still up. We have reports of three lifeforms landing nearby." Ushar.

"I got it." You said, heading that way. The tower was relatively near the hangar bay and you were much better with technology than you were with hunting other people, no matter how much training you had gotten from Kylo. You could obviously kill if you needed to--you had killed many times--but you had trouble being a predator. If you had a choice between keeping the deflector shields enabled and killing somebody, you'd definitely pick the shields. There were 7 other people in your cohort that would be more than willing to take a life.

The first thing you noticed when you entered the tower was that it was way too dark. The emergency red lights had kicked in on the bridge a few levels below you. The second thing you noticed was that there was another presence in the area--possibly more than one--and it wasn't someone in the First Order. They didn't quite have a force signature, but they seemed... connected somehow. You wondered if it was the girl.

You slowly started to make your way around to the opposite side where the control panel was. With the room as dark as it was, it was obvious that someone had breached the security system by targeting one of the main generators on the fourth level of the tower. You couldn't claim to know where every control panel was for troubleshooting things like this, but this one was important. No one worked here without knowing the importance of the deflector shields on a weapon as powerful as Starkiller Base. Hit the right reactor and the whole thing could come crumbling down.

You snaked around the room until you came upon the panel. At the same time, Cardo and Vicrul appeared behind you from the opposite direction, hardly making a sound despite their heavy protective suits. You opened your mouth to say something to them, but you were cut off by the sound of an unfamiliar man's voice. "Ben!"

The three of you whirled around and peered over the ledge to find Kylo a few levels below you on the thin bridge. You could just make out the silver lines of his helmet in the dim red emergency lighting. The unknown man started walking toward Kylo, and Vicrul silently poised his blaster over the railing. You squinted in the darkness, trying to see who it was.

Suddenly, the white outdoor light of the winter planet blasted into the room as the ship hatch on the top floor was lifted open. You blinked, willing your eyes to adjust to the sudden assault. Two figures stood on the balcony in the light, but you couldn't make out their faces through the backlighting. It was hard to tell if they were Resistance or First Order with the unfamiliar signatures swirling in the room.

"Take off that mask. You don't need it." The man's voice yelled. Kylo replied, but you couldn't hear him. The tension in the air was thick.

The three of you watched in earnest as Kylo removed his helmet in front of the man. All it would take was one second of uncertainty or fear from Kylo, and Vicrul would pull his trigger. 

"Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him." Kylo's unmodulated voice echoed through the dark chamber.

Wait. Was that-?

No, it couldn't be.

The men stepped closer together, and you couldn't hear anything they were saying anymore. You tried to lean over the cold railing even further when a deep, overwhelming sadness gripped you. It almost knocked you off your feet with the sheer power of misery that it held. Not only that, but it was defined by a signature that had become too familiar to you lately. Kylo.

You watched him drop his helmet on the bridge with a loud clang. The pain that surrounded him was filling the room, pushing against the walls. Your breath hitched. Your heart physically ached. His energy was all-consuming, pure heartbreak.

Your master's saber ignited in milliseconds, killing the man in front him with the cruelest stroke.

 _I need to sever myself from them somehow_.

The room immediately erupted in chaos. The _whole base_ erupted in chaos. You heard a roar, like something from an animal. You also heard a shrill scream, which you somehow connected to the scavenger girl. You might have screamed yourself, but you weren't sure. You felt a rushing in your ears. Your blood pounded in your veins as if you had been the one on that bridge yourself. Kylo's dark energy was overpowering, a pitch black sea drowning you.

All you knew for sure is that a shot rained down from a level above you and hit Kylo in the side, to which Vicrul immediately responded by aiming back at the blackness where the assault had come from. People were speaking to you through the comm, but you didn't understand the orders. You thought you started running, but maybe you had imagined it. Maybe you didn't start running until Cardo tugged you along the hall, shouting something about the scavenger and... thermal oscillators? It was a blur.

You ran with him and Vicrul, trying to weave your way through the hoards of people now flooding the halls. Where did all those people come from? Engineers, stormtroopers, doctors, nurses--all screaming.

Ushar's voice boomed in your ear, "Forget the scavenger, we need to get to the ship!"

"Master Ren's orders were to-" Cardo started, his voice overwhelmingly loud from being right next to you and in your earpiece.

"New orders! The base could be going down." Trudgen yelled.

The hangar was a mess of people trying to board ships and escape pods, fighting for their lives. The overhead speakers alternated between blaring protocol for code blue and code red. You couldn't see fire, but you smelled smoke. The whole base seemed to shake under your boots as you stood in the crowd, trying to look for the Night Buzzard. 

"There!" You yelled to your counterparts, pointing to the ship that had already left the bay but was extending a ramp down in waiting.

As you made your way across the huge room in a daze, you were suddenly thrown sideways, skidding across the floor and slamming into several other people. The lights flickered off, shrouding the room in darkness. There was a moment of silence and then, in the blinking lights from the various ships, you watched a large crack tear the polished black tile in half. It was as if the very earth that the base was built upon was crumbling into nothingness, caving in on itself. Such sturdy metal and marble and tile, years of work, gone in seconds.

As the huge fault expanded, you watched in horror as some people toppled in, unable to grib onto anything solid enough to withstand the vicious quaking of the base. You scrambled to your feet, heart pounding. A few inches to your right and that could have been you, falling to your death.

You felt like an animal trying to run to your ship, using both your hands and feet to propel you forward amidst each new crack and crumble. When you finally gripped the ramp leading up to the Night Blizzard, you allowed yourself to turn around for a split second and survey the damage that was being done to your home. What caught your eye _wasn't_ the smoke though, or the sea of people clawing their way to the dwindling number of escape pods. It was a black ship in the corner, empty and unlit. Kylo's Personal ship.

You had watched him run from the bridge in the tower, clutching tightly to his wound. You assumed that he had come here and boarded his ship to chase the resistance members that would inevitably try to run away after tampering with the oscillators... But his ship was untouched.

"Can we fit anyone else on here?" You gasped as you entered the Night Buzzard, staring back at both familiar and unfamiliar faces. Every seat was occupied, some people even hunched on the floor. The wall to your left was streaked with several bloody handprints.

"We're already over capacity. It's going to be hard to make the jump to hyperspace as it is." Trudgen said quietly, his voice alone seeming to echo your feelings about blasting into hyperspace and leaving innocent workers to fend for themselves on an unstable base. It wasn't ideal, but you didn't have a choice. Your ramp was closing.

Vicrul took off his mask, revealing his sweaty dark hair. "Theoretically, there should be enough escape pods on base for everyone."

"Theoretically." Trudgen answered, unconvinced.

"Where is Master Ren?" You turned back to Trudgen.

"He was going to find the scavenger, I-"

Just then, as if on cue, you felt a familiar force tugging at your chest, drowning out the voice of the burly man next to you. It's as if there was a small separate being living in your body, vying for your attention. An invisible code, forcing you to be connected to Kylo Ren by locked, unchangeable programming. "Master Ren?" You spoke into your ear piece. "Kylo, where are you?"

Static.

"I think we need to go look for him. I have... a feeling."

Trudgen didn't argue. He simply maneuvered around the scared passengers and into the cockpit, where he gave Ap'lek and Kuruk instructions to search the planet for their master's coordinates.

Sure enough, he was still on the planet. 

His coordinates led your ship to hover lower into burning trees. You noticed another large fault line cutting through the icy woods, forming a vast chasm that seemed to extend all the way to the core of this earth. When you dropped the ramp down, the tall man who entered the ship was unrecognizable. He struggled to stand on his own, limping and leaving a spotty trail of blood in his wake. It was all you could do to stand there with Vicrul and Cardo, wanting to help him but knowing he would refuse you. His hair was frozen with ice crystals, his angular face marred by dirt and soot. His large figure hunched over in pain as he hobbled in.

A few of the patrons reached out to him, some presenting medical kits. You heard several concerned murmurs of "Commander Ren." No one moved forward though--they were probably too afraid of him. If he noticed their caring gestures, he ignored them all together. He didn't stop his painfully slow trek until he entered the cockpit, blast doors slamming shut behind him. As the ship was piloted out of the planet's atmosphere, you watched as all of Starkiller Base ignited in flames. 

You'd found Kylo with only minutes to spare.

Everything the First Order had worked for was gone. 

An amazing engineering feat. A base capable of destroying entire systems.

Your home.

Your apartment.

The library full of books.

The ride to your destination was silent. Everyone would be taking refuge on the Finalizer, a mobile First Order base surrounded by a large protective fleet with newly modulated, state of the art surface cannons. The Finalizer also happened to be traveling alongside the Supremacy, home to Supreme Leader Snoke himself. You wondered if you might catch a glimpse of him in person now that you were flying in such close proximity.

After everyone else exited the ship, medics had to come retrieve Kylo from the cockpit because he lost consciousness on the journey. You and your six large friends watched in silence as he slowly passed by on a stretcher, his blood staining the sterile white cotton with red splotches. His face was as pale as polished ivory, such a stark contrast to the new cut that ran from the right side of his forehead all the way to his chin. It seemed like they should be moving faster--he was too important to slowly be carried to the med bay like this. You wanted to speak up, yell at them to hurry, but you couldn't make yourself move. Everything smelled like smoke and ash and mud.

There were no directions for this type of thing. No protocol in place. The Finalizer received its onslaught of refugees slowly, working to give everyone at least one pair of clean clothes and a bed to sleep it. Somehow, there were too many survivors for the Finalizer but also not enough. Not even half of your old base was there.

You felt numb as you took a tan First Order uniform and watched the survivors make their way to wherever they were staying. You knew there weren't enough rooms to truly accommodate everyone. You and the other knights would be staying on the Night Buzzard, which was just as well. It was the closest thing you had to a home at this point.

***

You weren't sure exactly what you were expecting. You had never set foot on the Finalizer, much less experienced the pristine white walls of the med bay that led back into a quiet, dimly lit hallway of private rooms. Of course Kylo wouldn't be spending the night in the crowded bay, separated by wounded storm troopers and Starkiller refugees by two thin white curtains on either side of his bed. That would be too exposed, maybe even dangerous.

It wasn't the setting that surprised you though, it was the man in front of you. You felt it pulsing in your chest again- the unrelenting force that tethered you to your master. Every time you tried to get away it would pull you in further, tangling and knotting and tugging. Even when he had tried to kill you in the library it was there, insistent as ever. As soon as you were sure you were going to live, you wanted to lurch forward and wrap yourself around him. Apologize for your impenetrable mind even though it wasn't your fault.

You wanted to do the same thing now, as you eyed him from your position by the door. He was propped up in the bed, shirtless, exposing a large bandage on his rib cage. The long cut on his face had been bandaged with thin tape. All you felt in the atmosphere of the room was his clear, sharp, unrelenting pain. And it wasn't from his injuries.

"You wanted to see me, Master Ren?" You managed to squeak out. It sounded too formal. Too insincere of a greeting for someone that had just killed their own father. However, you supposed it was better than your alternative- simply not showing up at all. You'd considered it... for a split second. By the time you and the other knights had scrubbed the blood and grime from the inside of the ship and taken turns washing off in the sink of the microscopic refresher, you could barely stand up. Everyone was obsessively checking their datapads, waiting for instruction from Hux. Hoping for a word about Kylo. Wondering if Snoke would address the situation at all. In fact, you could see the Supremacy if you looked out any of the port-side windows of the Finalizer, looming menacingly in the darkness of space. When your datapad had lit up with a message from Kylo, you thought you were dreaming. It took you a few seconds to rouse yourself and actually believe that he was asking you to meet him in the med bay.

You'd like you think that you consciously made that choice to meet him, but you didn't really. You'd like to think that you truly had the option to stay on the Night Buzzard and sleep. But, whatever force was inside you made the choice for you... before you had even finished reading his message.

"Come here." Kylo said. A short, simple phrase—but his voice still broke.

You felt rooted in place. Every inch of your body was aching to run to him, to cradle him in your arms, to bear some of the horror that you felt radiating from him. But for some reason, all you could do was stare. His deep brown eyes shined with tears.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly. "Please." He reached out a hand. Your eyes traveled from his bare fingertips to his broad, muscular shoulders.

Finally your feet carried you forward, but you kept your eyes fixed on his, watching him blink back tears. Your new tan uniform was at least two sizes too large, and it hung off your body rather unflatteringly. You kept stepping on the legs of the pants and worrying that you might fall, but you still couldn't look away from him. You were soon standing next to the bed, legs inches from the clean white sheets. You felt the pull between you become stronger than ever, electricity buzzing in the small space between your two bodies. You thought you would take comfort in that fact that you knew he felt it too, but his face remained so passive that you swore you might have imagined him in your room on Starkiller Base. Was that really only hours ago? Maybe a full day? You felt so much older. You had seen so much death in such a short span.

"I'm sorry." You said, knowing that you couldn't truly offer anything to dull the impossible knife of pain that was tearing through him. 

"I had to do it." He looked away finally, staring at his hands as if he just now realized that they belonged to him. You nodded in understanding, as if it were the most simple thing in the world. Killing someone. Killing someone that raised you. If you had come face to face with your parents again, the people that dropped you in the middle of a frozen tundra to die alone, you still don't know if you'd have the strength to look them in the eyes and end their lives.

You didn't know much about his family, or even much about him. You remembered seeing Han Solo once before when he came to visit the Jedi Temple to see his son. You and Iyra watched Ben just like all the girls did-- though you two would obviously never admit that. He seemed so angry to see his parents as they ran down the ramp of their ship and tried to hug him. When he shrugged them off, you were done watching. Half the kids at the Temple had never had a visitor or a single piece of mail, let alone two parents who would fly across the galaxy just to hug their son. Now though, you were mature enough to realize that things weren't so black and white. Just because someone has parents, doesn't mean the parents are good. 

Here at the First Order, you had been given a home, a job, and food. To you, that meant that if Kylo Ren had to end the life of someone in his family, then you would just have to trust that he made the right choice. You supposed that was why Kylo was who he was and why you were who you were. Why he gave orders, and you followed them.

Finally, the tear you had been waiting for rolled slowly down his cheek. He made no motion to hide it or wipe it away, so you reached out on instinct and caught it yourself, brushing it away softy with your thumb. As you were pulling your hand from his face he caught it in a tight grip before slowly lacing his fingers through yours. His fingers were so long, swallowing your tiny hand in his. You remembered how this same gesture had comforted just you days before as he thrusted himself into you next to the dim fire. Your hand had gripped his arm in response to the sudden pain that had split through you, but he took your hand tightly and held it the entire time.

"Stay." He said lowly. Not a command, but not a question either. Just a hope.

So that was how you came to be lying next to Kylo Ren on a small hospital bed, your boots kicked to the floor and your legs tangled together under the thin sheets. You didn't talk, you just laid there next to him, wordlessly catching each tear as they slid down his cheeks. When the tears came too heavy and too fast, you wrapped your arms around him and held his head to your chest as he sobbed. And for some strange reason, that tether that was holding you to him was finally quiet now that you had given up and allowed yourself to be pressed against him. The tether was loose, relieved of the tension it had endured to bring you back together.

You allowed a few of your own tears to fall too. It was stupid, you knew, but everything you owned save for the clothes on your back had been destroyed. You had come to possess a small amount of things that didn't necessarily hold monetary value but just served as reminders of how far you had come. For example, the white dress you wore when you danced at the cantina with Cardo. It was the first thing you'd ever bought with a First Order paycheck. Money that you had fairly earned. You also mourned the loss of the books you had bought--stories and characters that kept you company through many sleepless nights when you couldn't stop dreaming of Hoth. It was as if no matter how hard you worked, you would never have a permanent home. It was the grey area again between the First Order and the Resistance— neither could truly provide safety and stability. Heroes and villains on both sides.

Eventually you both drifted in and out of sleep. You couldn't help it, you were exhausted. Your body had taken several beatings in the past few days with absolutely no spare seconds to recover from the damage. The two of you had become entangled on the small bed, both unconsciously needing something to cling to in order to chase away the reality of your situations.

You weren't sure what time it was when you were both roused from sleep by the voices of medical droids outside the door. They passed quickly, but it left you wide awake, instinctually ready to grab your lightsaber and run. Kylo let out a soft moan as he turned to face you, wincing from the pain in his ribs. Your heart rate slowed as your eyes took in every angle of his face. His dark eyes, his full lips, his slight dotting of freckles on his cheeks. Even with his new scar, he was perfect. He watched you drink him in wordlessly until your eyes finally met his again.

Your faces seemed to slowly inch closer until you felt your eyelids flutter closed at the exact moment his lips met yours. This was different from the other times. It was different from the raw hunger, the need, the desire to breach your defenses. It wasn't a moment of passion. It wasn't the usual mix of hatred and lust and fear that you had come to associate with him. His words echoed in your mind: _I feel it too._

The kiss felt like a form of surrender, in a way. _I feel it too_.

His tongue slowly explored your mouth as you let out a low moan from the back of your throat. You felt a warmth spread deep inside your chest has he gently cupped your face and softly moved his lips against yours. You met his unusual slow gentleness with one of your own, running your fingers lightly across his back. He was so tender with you that you weren't even sure it was real. It could have been you drifting in and out of sleep again, imagining his mouth moving perfectly with yours, void of his usual feverishness.

You could have gotten lost in the moment forever, melting into him and tasting his hot breath on your tongue. When he pulled away slightly, you involuntarily whined at the sudden absence of him. He took your hand that had been resting against his chest and brought it to his face, examining the bandage on your palm before kissing the tips of each one of your fingers. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot as he brought your hand back to rest on his bare chest. It moved up and down with the rise and fall of each quiet breath. "I'm sorry," he whispered for the second time. Those words caused something to clench in your chest. The sarcastic voice inside your head had always wanted nothing more than for Kylo Ren to apologize for just _one_ thing. But now that he had finally uttered the words, they didn't seem to suit him. He wasn't Kylo Ren anymore. He was unrecognizable.

"Stop." You said firmly, bringing your mouth back to his. You kissed him as if you could somehow pull the sadness out of him. As if you could somehow return him to the way he was even a few days ago, relentlessly pursuing the scavenger girl on Takodana. "Stop apologizing." You whispered, dipping your head lower to plant a trail of kisses from his jaw to his collarbone.

You had never kissed someone's neck before, but you tried to emulate what you thought the technique would be from when it had been done to you. You felt self-conscious, but your strange desire to bring back the normal Kylo was overpowering. You figured you were doing okay though, because you heard him sigh softly as you gently sucked on his skin.

You trailed the fingers of your bandaged hand down his bare stomach, stopping just above his waistline. You weren't sure that it was okay to be this bold, especially when he was injured. And he was laying helplessly in a hospital bed. However, you were slightly encouraged by the way you felt him hardening against your thigh. You fought back a gasp, still unused to anyone responding to you in such a way. It made you dizzy with nerves and desire.

"I don't know how you do this to me, little one." He breathed, tensing up as you ran your fingers along the inside of his waistband.

As first you weren't exactly sure where to go from there, considering your hands were bandaged and he could barely sit up. Then the idea came to you, causing your lips to twitch into a small smile. "I want to make you feel better." You whispered, starting to move your lips from his neck down to his chest. "Just relax and lie on your back."

You were almost surprised that he obliged. First of all, you had never told him what to do before. You had never heard anyone tell him what to do before. Second, some part of you still wondered if he might just push you off the bed and tell you to get out. You pictured him in the library again, standing over you. _I just wanted to fuck someone_. _We aren't doing this._

And third, you still thought that you might be dreaming. You were wide awake, but your body still felt as if it were in a tired haze. Had Starkiller Base really been destroyed?

You tried to shove the jumble of thoughts from your head as you moved lower on the bed, planting soft kisses down his stomach before you tried to wiggle his pants down his thighs. He helped you by lifting up his legs, but moaned at the pain it caused him.

"Shh, just relax." You said quietly, keeping your eyes locked on his newly exposed and hardened length. It was warm and flushed and ready for you. You pressed your lips together, suddenly sick with nerves. You had done this before... but that time he did most of the work... what if you were bad? Shit. You blinked a few times, buying yourself some time. You couldn't stop now though, you were in too deep.

You slowly lowered your lips down to him, planting a small kiss on the warm tip before gently taking it into your mouth.

"Oh, _fuck_." He breathed, his long fingers immediately snaking through your hair. His breath hitched as you ran your tongue along the head and tasted the salty droplet that leaked out. His physical reaction sent electricity vibrating through your veins, causing your heartbeat to echo in your ears. His legs tensed as you took him deeper, sucking greedily. Every twinge of pleasure from him seemed to encourage you as you felt yourself becoming slick between your own thighs. The fact that you were so in control in that moment, causing one of the most powerful men in the galaxy to lose his composure like this... You couldn't lie, it really turned you on.

You felt his veins pulsing in your mouth as you continued to run your tongue along his sensitive skin. "L-look at me." He murmured, pulling the back of your hair to tilt your head up. You could have imagined how you looked then, staring up at him with bleary eyes as saliva dribbled out the corners of your mouth. "Shit. You look so perfect like this." He gasped, trying hard to gain back his usual dominance.

But you were still in control. You had the power to make him feel like this. The way he grasped the sheets with his free hand and whispered your name made you squeeze your legs together, trying to relieve some of the ache that was building within you.

His hand tightened in your hair and pushed you down further, his cock hitting the back of your throat roughly. You moaned onto him, feeling him tense at the sensation. "You're not as i-innocent as I t-thought." He breathed. He was completely gone now. You fought the urge to slip your fingers below the hemline of your own pants. Gods, it would be so easy to get off at the sound of him coming undone like this. However, you felt like you needed both arms to balance yourself with how you were positioned on the bed... and you didn't want to cause him any pain by putting unnecessary weight on him...

...But, stars... it would be wonderful.

You hummed against him, sensing that he wouldn't be able to hold on much longer. He was murmuring incoherently, thrusting his hips off the bed and trying to get deeper into your mouth. Finally you felt him rip your hair back roughly as an unintelligible sound filled the room. In normal circumstances it might have hurt, but the feeling just compounded the throbbing sensation building within you. Hot liquid flooded into your mouth and rolled down your throat as you continued to move your lips around him, sucking through each thrust of his hips, trying not to spill a single drop.

Eventually his hand loosened its grip on the back of your head as he began to stroke your hair lightly again. You made sure to look up at him as you slowly released him from your mouth, running your tongue down his overly sensitive shaft one last time. You couldn't help but feel a little dejected as you pulled away though—you weren't able to keep all of the liquid from spilling out of your mouth. You swallowed most of it, but damn. You had really tried. He reached down, still breathing heavily, and gently wiped a small dribble from your chin. "Such a good girl."

"Mmm." You hummed, feeling more satisfied with your performance after his comment. But you were also suddenly exhausted. Despite the pulse of desire that had been ripping through your core as you felt Kylo's warmth in your mouth, you wanted to collapse on the bed equally as bad and slip into the deep sleep that had been evading you for days.

When you sat up your head spun viciously, making the decision for you. Sleep it is. You slumped forward involuntarily, trying to collect yourself. Kylo grabbed your arm lightly, rubbing his thumb along your skin. "You okay?"

You nodded and scooted up the bed until your head was resting on his chest and his arm was wrapped tightly around your shoulders. He turned his head to kiss you on the forehead, and you were asleep before he even pulled away.


	12. A Fresh Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! Warnings: hella smut, please pray for my soul !!

Vicrul wouldn't look at you.

It had been three days since he'd walked into Kylo's hospital room unannounced, finding you nestled tightly against his bare chest. Kylo didn't seem even remotely concerned, but you had practically bolted to the other side of the room at light speed. There was no true evidence that you had done anything _other_ than sleep... but your face probably told him all he needed to know. You looked very guilty.

"Master Ren, I came to check on the status of your wounds. Your doctor showed me in. The other Knights and I have been concerned." Vicrul had turned his attention to Kylo and ignored you in the corner, cowering with embarrassment.

"I'll be fine." Kylo had rasped, his voice hoarse from the sobs that wracked his body just hours earlier.

"Are there any specific orders you have for us right now, Sir?"

"Not yet. We need to talk to Snoke first. Just lie low while I... sort this out." Kylo's voice had been quiet but firm.

"Yes, Master." Vicrul had then turned on his heel to leave, but Kylo stopped him.

"Oh, Vicrul?"

"Yes, Master."

"You are forbidden to speak of this. With anyone." Kylo had glanced at you briefly, but Vicrul continued to look straight ahead--all business. You figured that even if Kylo had just let him go, he wouldn't have said anything anyway.

"Yes, Master."

You had waited until the door slammed shut behind him before sinking to the floor in defeat. "Ugh, fuck." You groaned and buried your head in your hands.

"That can be arranged." Kylo had raised an eyebrow at you, smirking. At least his old self seemed to be breaking through. Despite your dread and embarrassment, you had blushed.

But now, sitting on the Night Buzzard a few days later, not even the sweet memory of Kylo's playful smirk could help you feel more comfortable. If you thought your old apartment was crowded, this new situation was purely claustrophobic. The ship was meant to carry weapons, capture traitors, and blow Resistance ships out of the sky-- _not_ act as a temporary home for seven people. You weren't allowed to leave the base because they needed the extra security, but there was little space to accommodate everyone that came from Starkiller Base. More survivors had trickled in over the past couple of days, and General Hux was working to dispatch them to other stations. Snoke was nowhere to be seen, and Kylo was still in the med bay.

If you heard the grating sound of Hux shouting over the intercom _one more time_ , you thought you might lose it. And the way Vicrul kept glancing at you with distaste over his datapad was driving you closer and closer to madness. You were about to combust when Ap'lek burst out of the cockpit waving a rusted calcinator, his messy hair tied up in a high knot.

"Guys, I think I finally figured out how to double the strength of our firepower while also maintaining our speed!"

Kuruk popped up behind him and shoved him in the back before running a hand through his wavy hair. It was dirty with sweat and oil from the ship. "Actually, _I_ figured it out."

"You realize that you say that at least once a week, right?" Cardo rolled his eyes. He was lying on one of the bed rolls that were scattered on the floor of the ship, curiously examining the plain hilt of your lightsaber. "I just don't get these things. They have absolutely no advantage when it comes to distance."

You leaned your head back, rested it on the cool metal wall, and closed your eyes. "You don't need distance if you can deflect the blaster fire."

" _Hello_? Did anyone hear me?" Ap'lek threw the calcinator at Cardo, but he didn't even flinch when it landed a mere two inches from his head.

"How could we not hear you? You never shut the fuck up." Cardo ignited the lightsaber and held it straight up, trying to prod the ceiling.

"If you drop that, you'll probably die." You pointed out, slightly nervous that Cardo was playing with the saber so casually. Vicrul met your eyes again before shaking his head and looking back down at his datapad.

"Okay guys," Ushar thumped up the ramp and stuck his head in. "Time for training."

"Training?" Vicrul looked up at him.

"I found us a place to train for the afternoon."

It didn't take much convincing. You were used to being active, or at least having some kind of guard duty to occupy your time. No one was used to days and days of just sitting around. You had already gone for three walks around the Finalizer just today, and that still wasn't enough to quell your restlessness. Although, you refused to consider the possibility that your restlessness had more to do with a certain someone than it did with your lack of productivity. 

Being away from Kylo tended to give you more clarity--space to take a step back and ask yourself what the hell was wrong with you. As if Vicrul's constant side eye wasn't punishment enough.

You resigned yourself, for the millionth time, to staying away from Kylo. It wasn't a good look for you, being caught sleeping in your master's bed. Heck, now Vicrul probably thought that _that's_ how you landed your job as a knight. With each passing day, you were digging yourself a deeper and deeper hole. 

With any luck, Kylo would try to kill you again. Maybe you'd actually let him, just to set yourself free of your own stupidity.

"Alright, warm-ups." Ushar commanded, gesturing to the large empty space before you. It looked to be some sort of conference room with high ceilings. The chairs and tables had been pushed to the sides of the room, and the 3D projector enhancement screen was powered off.

The seven of you started the warm-ups like a well oiled machine, stretching and then getting into a few sets of sit-ups and push-ups. It felt good to get your heart rate up in a non-life-threatening situation. However, there wasn't room for much else. You were used to running a few miles or working through a training course, not being stationary and lifting weights like your friends so often did. Fighting, for you, was about speed. Not muscle.

Something in your chest twinged when you thought back to Starkiller Base and your old training course. How you'd gone from barely being able to make it to the end to setting new personal bests almost every week. You'd never see that place again. You supposed you should be used to it by now though—nothing in your life had ever been permanent.

"Well, I guess we can work on technique. We haven't done that in a while." Ushar said, running a hand over the top of his helmet as if he were lost in thought. As usual, Ushar and Trudgen were the only ones wearing their helmets.

"Technique?" Ap'lek complained, plopping down into one of the chairs that was pushed against the wall. "You're so dull."

"Maybe if we went back to the basics once in a while, we would have been more successful on Takodana and our base wouldn't have been blown up by the resistance." Ushar said, completely deadpan. He was never one for dwelling on emotions. 

No one really had a response to that. Vicrul, being the diplomat he was, volunteered to go first. Everyone knew that going first was least desirable because you'd be taking the brunt of Ushar's critiques. You didn't know when _he_ had time to practice so much, but it seemed that his speed and technique were always flawless.

You suppressed a groan when Ushar suggested that you go against Vicrul. The room was large but it wasn't exactly a true training room. You were slightly afraid of accidentally destroying some of the Finalizer's property. 

The others either sat in the discarded chairs or lounged against the wall as you and Vicrul stepped into the center. You were about to ignite your lightsaber when Ushar said your name, "Remember your posture."

You straightened a bit. You were still looking at Ushar when Vicrul tried to strike you by surprise, tapping the back of your knee with the pole of his huge scythe.

You immediately set alight your blade and whacked at the metal, shooing him away. Training with Kylo was one thing, but you didn't like to be put on the spot like this. You were fast, you could use the force, but you weren't great at offense. You could manage to survive in most battles through evasion and stealth, not by plowing through a field of enemies like your counterparts did. 

"I wasn't ready." You snapped.

"Get ready, then." Vicrul snapped back, this time aiming higher with the blunt pole. You tried not to take offense at his harsh tone.

You stepped out of the way and drove the pole upward, your saber making a loud grating sound against the metal.

He turned the scythe around fluidly, raising it above him with one hand and getting ready to bring it down upon you.

"Stop playing defense." Ushar instructed.

You side stepped and aimed low, trying to get the back of his legs. Vicrul glared at you as he swung the scythe down and made contact with your burning red blade. He shoved against you, sending you stumbling backwards.

"Use your whole shoulder with that Vic, not just your arm."

Vicrul made no indication that he heard Ushar's instruction as he continued to charge toward you, gritting his teeth. You continued to clash several times until you accidentally let one of his jabs though, his pole connecting with your side and causing you to lose your balance.

Instead of falling, you were able to leverage yourself against the furniture and push back against him, earning you praise from Ushar.

You smiled as you switched the hand of your saber, going for _his_ weak side now. However, he reached out with his long arm and shoved your shoulder, then your chest. You fell backwards and hit the floor, more out of surprise than out of pain or force.

"Shit." You muttered, trying to roll to get up. 

Suddenly the lights above you seemed to dim. You watched Vicrul step over you and pin your forearm to the ground under his heavy boot. "Ow! Okay I get it, I lost!" You snapped, trying to pull your limb free.

He didn't let go though. His dark eyes continued to bore down on you, narrowing in disgust. You felt your stomach turn. He had _never_ looked at you like that before. He was arguably the most mild mannered of all the knights.

"Watch yourself." He said low enough that no one else could hear. You truly didn't recognize the man in front of you right now. Or, well... the man above you. Who was about to snap your arm with his foot. You had only ever seen him this way in the throes of battle--eyes narrowed in concentration, violence teeming from every inch of his body. You realized in that moment that you were actually... _afraid_ of him. 

You considered swinging your saber at his foot with your other arm, your survival instincts starting to kick in despite your friendship. However, he was shoved away from you by his tan, equally muscular best friend. "Dude, get off of her." Cardo sounded a bit panicked.

Vicrul shoved Cardo in the chest. "Don't tell me what to do."

"Alright, enough." Ushar maneuvered his large body lazily between them to split them up. Vicrul used that moment to storm out of the room dramatically, while Cardo leaned down and gave you his hand to help you up. You took comfort in his warm, calloused skin.

"What did you do wrong?" Ushar asked, looking down at you. He was never mean, never too harsh. You got the impression that he took charge because he genuinely wanted everyone to be the best fighter they could. He was direct and honest for your own good.

"Spread too wide." You sighed. "Left my center vulnerable."

"Good." He nodded. "Kuruk, you go against Cardo."

Cardo put his hand lightly on your shoulder and gave you a small smile before turning back toward the center of the room. He appeared to be confused about Vicrul's outburst, but you weren't too shocked. You took the opportunity to sneak out the door while Ap'lek tried to get everyone to bet their credits against Kuruk.

When you stepped into the hallway, you immediately noticed Vicrul lingering there. You knew he wouldn't have gone far—he was too cooperative to ever really desert a training session.

"Why are you acting like this?" You asked him, stepping right up to him despite the fact that your head only came to the top of his chest.

His jaw tensed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to actually hurt you."

"I can take being hurt. But that's just not like you."

He wouldn't meet your eyes. "Sorry."

"You've been angry at me for days now, but I don't really know why. That was just... in the hospital... that was nothing. There's nothing going on. And even if there _was_ something going on, it's none of your business."

His gaze finally snapped to you. "I just didn't think you'd actually be that stupid. I thought you were a survivor, but you're walking into a death trap."

"There's nothing going on! It was... a one time event." Okay, so that was a lie. But... it wouldn't happen again.

Vicrul snorted. "Do you realize how dangerous it is to get involved with him?"

You thought about the library. Both times. Once he had made your heart flutter with ecstasy, the other he'd almost caused it to stop beating. "Okay, so I'm a fucking idiot." You admitted.

Vicrul's gaze softened for the first time in days, and he sighed quietly. "I'm just... worried about you. I thought that if you saw me like that, it might help you get a clue what could happen to you if things ever got... complicated. With him. How easy someone like one of us could turn. I don't think he's very... uh, well... he can't control his emotions very well." The words tumbled out of his mouth as if he'd been waiting to let them escape for days.

"Isn't he, like, your guys' savior now though? Why are you talking about him like this?"

Vicrul winced at that, but didn't sound angry as he said "Yes, we would do anything for him. I would die for him. I just... We'd also probably have to hurt him if he hurt you."

Your mouth dropped open in surprise. You didn't know how to respond to that. The fact that Vicrul had been so cold because he was _worried_ about you... you didn't feel like you deserved that kind of protection. Never in your life had anyone looked out for you. You couldn't even fathom that one of these men would put a toe out of line when it came to Kylo, especially not when it was about someone as insignificant as you.

"I'll be okay." You said softly. "It was nothing, anyways."

Vicrul looked skeptical. "Just... be careful. People like him... people like _us_... I don't think people like us can ever really love anyone else. We're too messed up. Master Ren may not have been with us all those years, but he gets it. He's the same."

 _Love_. You frowned. Nothing you had ever done with Kylo had come remotely close to... that. You tried to picture Kylo Ren falling in love. Picture him having feelings. You thought briefly of that connection you seemed to share with him... the one he finally admitted to being able to sense... but that was something else all together. It seemed to have something to do with the force. Not love. _Love_ was... well, you actually had no idea what it was. But whatever it was, you couldn't imagine Kylo having it. Or evening _liking_ someone. To him, everyone seemed to be an enemy or neutral. There was no good.

"Vic, you have nothing to worry about. It was... a momentary lapse in judgement." You assured him, using Kylo's own words from the library. Vicrul was right, getting involved with someone like that probably wasn't the best idea. You had seen him murder entire villages of people, sparing no one. If you got too close, you were likely to get burned. Badly.

Now was a great time for you to focus on improving yourself. Your skills. You were on a new base, and you had a lot of time to meditate and practice controlling the force. This would be a fresh start. You wouldn't be caught in a position like that again. His tears over his father had somehow made you forget that he was a monster. He had tried to kill you. He never wanted you here in the first place.

Vicrul was right—you should keep your distance.

"It makes me sad though... that you think... you really think you'll never find someone? None of you would ever fall in love?" That made a pit open up in your stomach. After all they'd been through, they deserved happiness.

Vicrul shook his head. "People like us, like Master Ren, we'll only ever know possession. With us... there is no compromise, only destruction. Only obsession. I think the only one of us with a real shot would be Cardo. He seems to be able to compartmentalize better."

"You seem so... _normal_ , I guess." You winced. "That didn't come out right. I'm sorry."

He shook his head again, waving it off. "It's something buried within us, that we can feel within each other. I can feel it in Master Ren. I just don't want you to become collateral damage."

"Did you mean what you said before, that you'd actually hurt him if he hurt me?"

"I think I'd try, if it was bad enough." He looked at you pointedly and smirked. "But don't put us in that position."

"I won't." You swallowed, then held out your hand. "Truce?"

He took it lightly, barely touching you. So incredibly different than the hint of the man you saw moments ago, ready to shatter your bones beneath him like glass. 

_How easy someone like one of us could turn._

He nodded, "Truce."

Kuruk popped his head out the door then, wiping blood from a new gash on his cheek. "Did you two losers kiss and make up yet? I need to earn my credits back in Trudgen versus Ap and I'm going to need you guys to buy in."

***  
It wasn't long after the training session that your crew got word that Kylo was finally out of the hospital. You tried to seem as neutral as possible, not appearing overly gleeful that he was okay. Vicrul didn't appear to notice your reaction, so you thought you did well.

Ushar and Trudgen were eventually called to a meeting with Kylo, General Hux, and Snoke on the Supremacy. You didn't hide your disappointment about that, but neither did the others. You and the others wanted a chance to get off of the Finalizer, or at the very least, secure a new mission. No one did well without having a purpose.

"Well shit. We're always on the outs." Kuruk plopped down on the row of seats where you lounged on the Night Buzzard, staring at your data pad blankly.

"Tell me about it." You replied, rolling your eyes.

"Wait a second..." Kuruk suddenly looked excited as he reread the message that had called the others to the meeting. His lips curled into a slow, devious smile.

"Dude! You're so right!" Ap'lek shot up onto his feet, looking thrilled. You didn't know how they did it, but they seemed to be telepathically connected somehow. Obviously they could sense each other's distress and general emotions, but as far as you knew, you didn't think they could actually communicate mind-to-mind with words. You assumed only Kylo could actually put detailed phrases into the minds of others.

"I know I've asked this before, but are you _sure_ you guys can't just read each other's minds?"

"Hell no. You think I want to hear what they're thinking about when we go out? I'd die before I subjected myself to them trying—and failing—to get with women." Cardo winked at you.

"Fuck you." Ap'lek rolled his eyes. "But seriously, we have a great idea."

"Oh, I seriously doubt that." Cardo said. Vicrul nodded in agreement.

"You know that Hux probably has a good stash here. And all of our shit was lost on the old base." Ap'lek wiggled his eyebrows.

"Exactly. Im dying here. I haven't had a drink in... four days now!"

"Oh yeah," you smirked "I'm surprised you guys aren't going through serious withdrawals at this point."

"It's decided." Kuruk stood up "We're going to borrow a little something from his collection. If you don't come, you don't get any."

You, Cardo, and Vicrul all protested—but the three of you still got up.

It wasn't that hard to get passed the stormtroopers guarding Hux's chambers. You weren't surprised that Kuruk and Ap'lek knew exactly where he was staying either. They'd probably been scouting out the best whiskey since they'd arrived on the Finalizer. The real problem with your new mission was trying to get the blast doors open.

"Does anyone know his mom's name? That's probably his code." Cardo said, typing K-A-R-E-N into the keypad and earning an angry, red screen. "Damn, thought for sure it would be Karen."

"Try 'I hate Kylo Ren.'" Ap'lek said.

"No, try 'I love Captain Phasma.'" Kuruk told him.

"Wait, what about 'Supreme Leader Hux.'" Vicrul suggested.

"Holy shit! Supreme Leader Hux!" Cardo said excitedly as the doors opened. "What an idiot."   
  
Your group rushed in, Ap'lek and Kuruk making straight for the liquor cabinet while everyone else decided to snoop. His quarters were extremely tidy and impersonal, just as Kylo's had been. However, you weren't sure how much Hux had actually kept in his second home on the Finalizer in the first place. Perhaps he had lost just as much as the rest of you in the explosion. 

"Wait, are these letters from his mom? _Handwritten letters_?" Cardo examined a stack of envelopes that he took from the bedside drawer. "Wait, holy shit. Her name _is_ Karin, but with an 'I!'"

"Lucky guess." You smirked, peering into Hux's large refresher but deciding not to go in. You didn't really want to know the horrors that could be hiding in there.

"Jackpot!" Kuruk rounded the corner with three bottles in his arms. Ap'lek was close behind with what appeared to be containers of food from the refrigerator. 

It took no time at all for you to get back to your temporary home on the Finalizer, opening Hux's finest liquors and pouring yourselves large portions. Honestly, it was the least he could do. He always seemed to be mysteriously absent during times of great chaos. In fact, you wouldn't have doubted if he was the very first to leave the base at the smallest sign of trouble. There was no doubt in your mind that he would be blaming Kylo for the security issues on Starkiller Base, even though _he_ was in charge of directing and staffing all security regarding important prisoners. 

Not that you cared if Kylo got in trouble. 

Not that you cared about Kylo at all. 

You reached into one of the food containers that was on the table in front of you and took a pastry. "Wow, who knew Hux could bake?"

Cardo shrugged. "His mom probably sent it to him." 

"I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the food on Starkiller. This place is somehow even worse." Ap'lek whined, already pouring himself another drink. Everyone murmured their agreement. 

After a few hours, Trudgen and Ushar were still at their meeting. Meanwhile, everyone else was very intoxicated. That meant that Ap'lek and Kuruk had taken it upon themselves to once again start arguing about the mechanics of the ship while Vicrul tried--and failed--to get them to settle down so they didn't destroy anything by accident... again.

"Are you going to tell me why Vicrul almost murdered you today?" Cardo gave you a half smile as he shifted his seat to the one next to you. 

"What, you mean he didn't already tell you with your telepathy?" 

"I told you it doesn't work that way!" He faked looking hurt, but his bright green eyes glimmered in amusement.

"I think you're lying." You smiled, resting your chin on your hand. 

"Really? I think I'm probably the most credible source here."

"What makes you say that?" 

"Well, I obviously like you the most, so naturally you should assume I'm the least likely to lie to you." 

"Hmm, I'll think about that." You rolled your eyes and took another sip of your drink. You couldn't help but be reminded of Vicrul's words earlier, that Cardo was probably the only one who would be capable of finding love one day. It wasn't hard to see why he thought that. Cardo definitely had a way of putting you at ease, such a stark contrast to the fear that the knights usually incited in people. You hoped that one day they all might be able to put everything behind them and be happy, perhaps when the First Order defeated the Resistance and there was time for such things. 

You leaned your head on his shoulder and sighed. "So when do you think we'll get real beds again? I'm tired of sleeping on the floor of this ship." 

You felt him press his cheek against your hair. "Hopefully soon."

"Actually, I don't care if we get beds soon as long as we get to leave this base soon. I hate looking out the window and just seeing the endless blackness of space."

"I guess you get poetic when you're drunk." He chuckled. 

"I'm serious though." You yawned, starting to feel like you could fall asleep despite the bickering happening in the cockpit. "I prefer solid ground under my feet." You pulled your head off his shoulder and rubbed your eyes.

"Me too." He looked down at you as if he was waiting for you to say something else, but that appeared to be all the poetic speech you had left for the night. 

His face was only inches from yours, and you didn't know exactly what to do next, so you just said, "Thanks for not letting Vic kill me earlier."

He smiled. "See? There's your proof that I like you enough not to lie to you." Something in your chest fluttered. You weren't sure whether it was the alcohol or just your own pure stupidity as your eyes flicked to his lips. You remembered how he'd kissed you that one night, so much more lighthearted and playful than Kylo. For someone who had gone through so much, he certainly appeared happy. 

He leaned down and rested his forehead against yours. You imagined then that it would be quite easy for someone to fall in love with him. With those green eyes. 

What about you, though? Would _you_ ever get the chance to experience that? Were you somehow broken in the same way Vicrul had described--unlovable, damaged? You suddenly felt very sad, a heavy weight upon you. You hated to admit this to yourself, but you _did_ want to feel lovable. Not just fucked by Kylo for some kind of power trip. Or... was that just the alcohol talking? Why did you feel _guilty_ for being this close to Cardo? Were you actually stupid enough to believe that Kylo's apology the other day was sincere? Were you actually stupid enough to think Kylo didn't have a million other females lined up for him whenever he pleased? Yeah, the alcohol was definitely getting to you...

You didn't want to think so hard about all these questions. About anything. So you closed your eyes, slowly leaning into him- 

"FUCK!" Ap'lek, Kuruk, and Vicrul yelled in unison as thick smoke poured into the back of the ship where you were sitting. 

"What the hell did you guys do this time?" Cardo demanded, getting up unsteadily and opening the ramp so the smoke could leak out into the hangar bay. 

"Nothing!" They all answered from the other room. 

When the smoke finally cleared, everyone gave up for the night and decided to settle into their respective corners of the ship. You'd just have to hear about the meeting tomorrow. 

You fell asleep so quickly that you failed to see the message from Kylo Ren light up your data pad, asking if he could see you.

***

In the morning, you found your missed message along with a second message from an hour ago, giving you coordinates. It wasn't a question, it was a command. The Buzzard was still dark and filled with the sound of snoring as you slipped out, still in your same uniform as yesterday. You considered changing, but you didn't think that trying to wash up in the sink of the Night Buzzard would really help the situation. 

You followed the coordinates to a room in the same sector of the ship as General Hux's quarters, only this one wasn't guarded by any stormtroopers. The hallways were vacant and eerie when you softly knocked on the door. You took a deep breath, gathering your resolve. 

The door swung open, revealing your master clad in his usual all black ensemble. You immediately sensed that he wasn't all the way better, despite his release from the hospital. He was standing a bit off-kilter. 

Before he could say anything, you walked into the room, your hands balled into tight fists. A quick survey showed that the room was nearly identical in furnishing to that of General Hux, though probably minus the home-cooked pastries. "I have to talk to you about something." You said, keeping your voice even. 

"So talk." He closed the door and leaned against it, his face unreadable. You tried not to stare at the long scar that now ran down his cheek, marring what used to be perfect, smooth skin.

"I can't do this anymore."

He smirked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Do what?"

"Don't make me say it." You ran a hand through your unkempt hair, acutely aware of how terrible you must look to him right now. 

"Are you saying this because Vicrul warned you against me?" He was still smirking. You suddenly felt like a child, losing all the confidence you had talked into yourself on your way to his quarters. 

"That was a private conversation." You said quietly. 

"Nothing is private to me. And he knew that." 

"Please, don't be upset at him." You stepped forward, as if you could somehow block him from getting to Vicrul. You also wondered if he had seen what happened with Cardo last night as the result of your drunken self-pity.

"I'm not. I found it very...amusing."

"I'm glad I can provide you with entertainment, then." You grumbled, feeling your cheeks heat up. 

"It seems they really have become fond of you. I can't say I'm surprised though, you're very alluring." He took a step forward, reaching out a hand to touch your cheek. 

You swatted him away. "I said we aren't doing this."

"Doing what?" He cocked his head to the side innocently.

For some reason, you couldn't speak. You couldn't say it out loud. That would somehow make all your transgressions real. 

"I'm going to need you to be more specific, little one." He closed the distance between you in a single stride, brushing the hair back from your face and trailing his fingers down your neck, to your shoulder, to your fingers. You shivered, but you didn't move away. 

"You know what I'm talking about." You looked straight ahead, not daring to make eye contact with him. 

"I'm not sure I do." He brought his other hand to your hip, running his long fingers up and down your side. He leaned down and brushed his lips against your forehead. Your cheek. Your neck. He threaded his fingers through your hair at the back of your neck, tilting your head up so that your lips were mere centimeters from his. "Is _this_ what you're talking about?" 

In your head, you were panicking. You imagined an entire scenario in which you shoved him away, ran for the door, and never found yourself alone with him again. That would be the responsible thing to do. Now, if you could only get your legs to move. 

"Hmm?" He said lowly, just barely brushing your lips with his. 

"Yes." You whispered. 

But instead of running for the door, your body leaned closer into him. You found his lips, sighing against them as you wrapped your arms around his neck. His hand moved from your hip to your lower back, curving you against his body perfectly. "You smell like a bar" He murmured against your lips. 

You pulled back, dropping your arms from around his neck. He didn't loosen his hold on you though. "I don't exactly have the luxury of these fine accommodations. I have a sink, a bar of soap, and exactly two uniforms." 

"Shower here." He dropped his hands from you and shrugged, as if it were the most simple solution in the world. 

"N-no, I- that's... wouldn't that be weird?" Showering here... seeing his shower... that somehow felt _too_ intimate. Though, you were thinking this about the man who's cum you had swallowed. 

"I promise I won't look." There was that smirk again. You had to admit, a shower did sound nice.

"Fine."

The shower was amazing. The water was so hot that it made the bathroom fill with steam, and you thoroughly enjoyed scrubbing the dirt of the past five days from your body. You also thoroughly enjoyed using soap that smelled like him... but you'd never admit that.

When you walked out of the refresher to grab your clothes that you had folded neatly outside the door, you were startled to find that they were gone. You hitched your towel up tighter around you and called out, "Um, where is my uniform?" 

"I sent it to be cleaned. I also sent for some additional uniforms.. You know, ones that actually fit you." Kylo replied, walking into the room casually and taking a seat on the bed.

"Um, thanks." You stood there in your towel, not knowing quite where to go from there. 

"So, where were we? Oh, I believe you were trying to tell me all the things I'm not allowed to do to you."

You gulped, gripping your towel tighter. That only amused him as he got to his feet and approached you, his stare intense and unwavering. "Tell me, what is it that you want again?" He put his hand on top of yours as they clutched the towel tightly to your body. 

"You said we could be friends, right? So let's... do that."

"Friends." He murmured, putting slight pressure on your hands with his. You let him. You let him guide your hand down, down until the towel was sliding down your chest, down until you dropped your hand at your side and the towel hit the carpet. "I thought I made it clear that you were mine."

"Your... friend." You said, acutely aware of his gaze that was now taking in your naked figure. He wasn't even touching you anymore and you felt your body throbbing with lust.

"Well, then as your _friend_ ," He took your hand again, slowly leading you to a long mirror that was propped against the far wall of the bedroom. You padded behind him, your feet sinking into the soft carpet. He pulled you in front of him, resting one hand on your hip, and gestured at the reflection. "I want to show you how wonderful you look with my fingers inside of you."

Your mouth popped open. Your stomach clenched.

"Look at that." Kylo purred, his lips brushing against your ear as you stared into the mirror. You saw a wide eyed girl who was prone to making very bad decisions. You half expected to see some sort of visual representation of the way your heart was beating rapidly, thrumming in your ears and also sending pulsating throbs to another, more sensitive area. You closed your mouth and swallowed hard.

"How do I always end up being the one without clothes?" You asked, trying to joke. To cut through the thick tension in the air. But it came out as more of a quiet rasp as you watched him in the mirror, looking at you like he was about to devour you.

He nipped at your ear as he trailed a hand down your back and grabbed your ass. You bit your lip, staring into the mirror as he snaked his other hand in front of you, coming to rest on your bare stomach. His calloused hand was so big, it took up so much _space_... "Would you like me to join you, then?" He murmured.

You nodded, keeping your eyes fixed on the reflection of him. He slowly removed his black long sleeved shirt, revealing the ripples of muscle on his abdomen and chest. He still had a sizable bandage on his side, held in place by bright white medical tape.

The sound of him unhooking his belt and dropping his pants was enough to make you lightheaded. When he slowly, _slowly_ hooked his thumbs under the rim of his boxers and slid them down his toned thighs, you almost gasped. You thought you had remembered well enough... but you were still taken by surprise at the length of him. It had been so dim in the hospital the other day. He was already hard, already _ready_ for you, and you had barely touched him. The thought made your mouth dry up.

He stepped back into his earlier position, this time wrapping one arm around your torso and pulling you close to him, the other hand moving to the top of your thigh to trace small, lazy circles on your skin. His warm cock pressed against your ass, your head resting against his chest. "Is that better, little one?"

You didn't trust yourself to speak so you nodded again, fully aware that you were being a little bitch. How did he manage to get you so flustered? Where was your resolve? 

"I want you to keep your eyes open." He instructed, moving his hand to rest lightly between your thighs on the outside of your folds. You impatiently spread your legs a bit, willing him to plunge his long fingers inside of you. "Always so eager," He planted a few light kisses on your neck. "Even though you supposedly hate me."

"I do." You breathed, curling your toes against the carpet in anticipation.

"Hmm," he mused, "I thought you might say that. Which why..." he slid one finger between your folds, barely grazing your clit. Your breathing hitched as you stared at him behind you. "I wanted you to see this. So you can watch the man you hate drive you absolutely fucking crazy. So you realize you belong to me."

You tried to turn, to wriggle away, but his grip on your torso merely tightened. If you were being honest, you weren't fighting that hard. And he knew it.

He knew it by the way you sagged against him as he began to stroke light, lazily circles around you, teasing you. Barely touching you. You spread your legs a bit further, waiting for him. Wiling him to give you what you so desperately needed. "Kylo."

"Yes?" He moved his finger further, giving you just slightly more pressure. You opened your mouth to reply, but nothing came out. As expected, he gave you a satisfied half-smile through the mirror. "Eyes open."

You tensed as he _slowly_ eased a finger inside of you and pulled it out, finding it coated and shining with your desire. Your eyes widened as he brought the finger to his lips, tasting you. "Like I said," he murmured, "so eager."

With that, he moved his long fingers back to the middle of your legs, finding that bundle of nerves and stroking it expertly. Knowing just how to move in ways that set your nerves on fire. "Shit." You whimpered, clutching onto his arm that was holding you in place. He rubbed tight circles around you as he kept his eyes locked on yours through the reflection. His stare was piercing as he moved lower, his middle finger entering you this time.

You bit your lip and looked away, buckling under the sensation of his gaze as you felt a heat begin to burn inside of you. You turned your head to the wall and bit your cheek, stifling a moan.

And then he ripped away from you, grabbing your chin roughly with wet fingers and turning you back to the mirror. "I said look." He growled.

"But-"

Your protests were cut off by his fingers moving against you once again, sending electricity shooting through your nerves and muscles. You arched your back against him, feeling his hard length twitch against your back side. Feeling that he wanted you, too. You squirmed with pleasure as he worked you closer, trying hard not to turn away. The sight of his long fingers pumping in and out of you, practically dripping, was driving you wild. "Good girl," his baritone voice murmured in your ear, "just watch what I do to you, little one."

His grip tightened harder the more you leaned into him, your legs beginning to shake with the tension inside of you. You were a mess in the mirror, coming absolutely undone at his touch. "Kylo-" You panted, eyes fluttering shut. It was all you could manage to get out before you tensed around his fingers and cried out, your body spasming as you dug your nails into his arm.

When you opened your eyes again, blinking, Kylo was shaking his head behind you in the mirror, looking very displeased. "You closed your eyes during my favorite part." You bit your lip, unsure of what to say. You looked like an absolute mess with your disheveled, damp hair, and your arms clinging to Kylo for stability. Your eyes though... they were sparkling.

"Try again." He said, lifting you a little to stabilize you on your feet as his fingers entered you again, causing the pool of liquid between your thighs to make a small squelching noise.

"No," You gasped as he stroked your overly sensitive bundle of nerves with his thumb. "I-I can't."

He didn't reply, he just kept going. Your body practically convulsed against him, twitching as you felt that familiar tension rising again. You whipped your head back against his chest, your legs shaking wildly. At this point, he was basically supporting your entire body weight while you squirmed. 

You moaned loudly, the bliss inside of you bubbling and threatening to overflow. "That's right," he breathed, "Don't close your eyes. Watch yourself cum on my fingers." 

You lost it. You shattered against him, your breath coming out in ragged cries. You didn't recognize the girl in the mirror, gasping and shuddering against him. 

"Stars." You breathed, leaning against him, feeling the sweat beading on your recently scrubbed skin. 

"I'm not done with you yet." He growled, scooping you up effortlessly and tossing you onto the bed. He climbed on top of you, barely giving you the chance to breathe before kissing you roughly. His hands ran over your body, exploring your curves. You arched against him, rubbing the wetness between your legs against his erection. The moan that escaped his lips sent shivers of thrill down your spine. You understood why he liked watching you lose yourself, because you loved watching him the same way. 

When he pulled away momentarily to catch his breath, your eyes landed on his bandage. You traced your fingers over lightly. "Are you okay?" 

"Yes."

"It looks a lot better-"

He cut you off with a swift kiss. "Do you want to play doctor or do you want me to fuck you?" 

He didn't wait for your answer before he grabbed your waist and flipped you onto your stomach, pulling your hips up in the air to meet his own. You cried out at the brief flash of pain when he entered you, but you took comfort in the small gesture of kindness that was him stroking your back a few times. It was much easier this time though, and it didn't take long before you relished in the thickness of him that was filling you up, stretching you, pounding into you. He kept one hand on your hip and snaked the other in front of you, slipping between your legs. "Is that better, my little one?" 

"Mmm." You whined, grabbing a fistful of the sheets. "I- really. I- can't."

But again, he didn't stop.

Your heavy breathing and sighs of pleasure matched his own as he thrusted into you and drew circles around you. Your overworked clit was throbbing with sensitivity, and he moaned loudly as you clenched around him, unable to control your muscles. "Good girl," He gasped, "Now cum again for me."

"Mmmph." You couldn't speak. You couldn't think. Tears were streaming from your eyes.

"Tell me." He pounded harder. Faster.

"G-gonna. Gonna cum." You gasped. The tightening of your own body around him, milking him, sent him over the edge. His fingers dug into the skin of your hips as he filled you up, making unintelligible noises of bliss. You tried to brace yourself on the bed, writhing with your own pleasure while being split down the middle by the sheer force of him.

When he finally pulled himself out of you, he plopped onto the bed heavily and met your eyes. You were still laying on your stomach, unable to find the strength to move your legs. He was wearing that amused expression again, and his long hair was damp with sweat. You fought the urge to touch his cheek, to run your thumb over the curve of his lips. You looked away, unwilling to give him the satisfaction of knowing he beat you. Again. 

But it was painfully obvious as you felt his orgasm slowly seeping out of your tired body. He won.

"So, what did you come here to talk to me about?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are probably a lot of typos in this that I missed, I'm sorry. I really just wanted to get it up since it's been 3 weeks. I'm working in the hospital again and I'm ~sleep deprived~ so forgive me.


	13. Help Me, I'm Losing Myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: passive suicidal ideation, smut, "inappropriate use of the force," & this is where it starts to deviate from canon (will still follow general events but I'm making a few adjustments).

_*** Kylo ***_

Kylo Ren watched as the girl that was sprawled on his bed fell into a deep sleep. Though it was only midmorning, she slept as though she hadn't in days. Her breathing turned heavy as he reached to grab his cloak from the floor and drape it over her naked curves. She had fallen asleep atop the blankets, and he didn't want to risk waking her by properly tucking her in. He studied her peaceful face, the way the tips of her eyelashes grazed her cheek. Her brow wasn't furrowed in concentration as it so often was.

The past few days, Kylo had been plagued by a type of darkness that he had never thought possible. He thought he had experienced the lowest of lows when his own uncle tried to murder him in his sleep. When his own parents had gotten rid of him, letting their fear overtake all of their reasoning. He thought that ending the life of his father would free him of the ever-present ache in his chest. He thought it would bring him comfort to destroy someone that had so clearly given up on him. Someone that had so clearly assumed the worst of him.

The past few days though, he could barely find the strength to stand. It was as if the ache had only dug deeper, filling his bones and causing him to rot from the inside out. He'd never slept well, but now sleep had become almost impossible. Everything he ate was bland. Every voice was muted, his ears instead filled with the sound of rushing waves. In his darkest moments, he wondered if maybe he should have turned the lightsaber on himself.

He hadn't slept since she was curled up next to him in the med bay, a little dove asleep in the arms of a killer. Sure, she had taken her fair share of lives, but Kylo got the feeling that she only did it to survive. She didn't take the same sickly pleasure in it that he did.

What kind of man did that make him?

The most powerful man in the galaxy? The most hated man in the galaxy?

The only thing that Kylo knew for sure was that no one in this galaxy hated him more than he loathed himself.

He finally rested his head on the mattress, still keeping his eyes on that little dove. Feeling her skin, hearing her voice... it was the envelope of comfort that contrasted so sharply with the gaping chasm inside of him. Pressed against her, it was not difficult to breathe. To stand.

Instead of the invisible string holding them together, it had become the invisible string that stitched him up.

He had tried not to succumb to the drug that was her. Things like this were the recipe for the downfall of weaker men.

Now though, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest, he was convinced that things like this were something else entirely. It was the only way he could breathe. It was the only way he could numb the reeling pain that surged through him constantly. The lonely man that never needed anyone was now tethered to a lonely girl from a village on Hoth.

The wave of realization of his need for her was calm. A wave of warm sun and the scent of lilacs on a soft breeze. And in the wave of this realization, the most hated man in the galaxy was finally able to rest.

***

_Ben leaned against the dark wall outside the kitchen, trying to conceal himself in the shadows. The only way to find out the truth anymore was to eavesdrop. Kylo watched this dead version of himself, wanting to reach out to him and offer some semblance of comfort. However, he was rooted in place._

_"You know I don't understand this force mumbo jumbo!" Han Solo yelled. Kylo could almost imagine his father throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. "I thought we were done with all this! I thought you didn't want to be a Jedi!"_

_"I don't know what else to do." Leia snapped. "It's getting out of control."_

_"Out of control?" Han's voice only grew louder. "It's passed the point of being out of control! This is getting ridiculous."_

_"If we send him away, if he learns the extent of his true power, he'll only grow closer to Vader."_

_"He can't stay here! He doesn't even want to stay here!"_

_Kylo clenched his fists, his heart pounding. He felt his blood heating his cheeks, bounding through his veins. He felt the urge to reduce this house to rubble, burying the three of them forever._

_"We can't just send him away." Leia seethed._

_Silence._

_"But..." She finally admitted, her voice quiet. "There may be no other option."_

_"He needs to get this shit together or he's going to kill someone, Leia."_

_"I know."_

_Darkness swirled around him, the room in front of him shifting to a hazy line of trees against purple skies. Sunset at the park. Faint bubbling sounds came from the quiet lake next to him. Laughing children in the distance._

_Kylo tried to turn away, but he couldn't. His body was cement. He had no choice but to stare straight ahead and relive one of the worst days of his life._

_"I won!" A young boy with dark, shaggy hair hugged a ball to his chest._

_"No, you cheated!" A blond boy grabbed the ball from him and stuck his tongue out._

_Kylo wanted to run, to scoop up the dark-haired boy and carry him home. Tell him that it's just a game and it's not worth it. But instead, he watched the dark-haired boy raise his hand. He watched the blond-haired boy get thrown back so hard that his head hit the pavement with a sickening crack. He would live, but he would never be the same._

_Dark tendrils obscured his vision again. When they cleared, he saw that Ben was a little bit older._

_"Dad, look!" The boy raised his arms up, in turn lifting a large crate of spare parts for the Falcon. They were running late, and he had found the perfect way to help them stay on schedule._

_"Ben, no! Put that down!"_

_Startled, he dropped the box to the ground, scattering parts everywhere. His father grabbed his arm so hard that it left bruises. He shook his son as if it would help the words sink in, "I told you never to do that. Why don't you listen?"_

_Darkness again._

_His mother called after a gangly teenager as he charged out the front door. "Ben, it's for your own good! It's too dangerous!"_

_She started toward him but he turned around, sending a wave of raw energy that blasted her backwards. Before she could fall, his father caught her. Their eyes were filled with fear. All he could say in response was, "You did this to me. Made me this way."_

_What he really wanted to say was: Help me. I'm losing myself._

_Darkness._

_His mother crying._

_Darkness._

_His father shoving him out of the house. Yelling at him to cool off._

_Darkness._

_Fire. Crying. Luke._

_His parents, whispering to Luke that he may never be saved. It might be too late. Luke was their last hope. He could turn. He couldn't be left alone. He was dangerous. Their son was gone._

_In the deepest darkness of all, he heard: "Maybe we shouldn't have risked bringing a child into the world after all."_

_***_

"Kylo!" He felt the small hands on his shoulders before he could see her. He blinked a few times, confused at the clock on the wall that told him it was only mid afternoon. He heard yelling... someone was screaming... "Kylo, shhh!"

He shook his head, the girl in front of him coming into view. The screaming stopped. She clutched his cloak around her, her big eyes shining with concern. He ran a hand through his hair and found that it was drenched in sweat.

The realization of the dream hit him and he bolted upright, putting a healthy distance between the two of them.

"Fuck. I fell asleep. Fuck." He scanned the room, trying to calm his racing heart. It was embarrassing. Weak. Someone had finally seen what he'd managed to keep hidden for years. Not to mention, he had _cried_ the other day in the med bay. _Cried_. He was losing control. He hated who he was. He had to-

She grabbed his hand and brought it to mouth, kissing his large palm. "It's okay."

When he didn't say anything, she scooted up next to him and rested her head on his chest, despite the sweat. Despite the screaming. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed the top of her head, breathing in the scent of her. He felt that invisible suture beginning to bind his wounds. Bind him even closer to her.

Some shadowy part of him was telling him to push her away. To tell her to get out. He needed to hit something. He needed to hurt something.

But he didn't.

_*** You ***_

Something had changed between you and Kylo. It might have been the fact that you had finally given up on the idea of staying away from him, but you could have sworn that he'd let go of a similar resolve. You told yourself it was just about the sex, but you might be lying. That would be a problem you'd figure out later. And of course you'd never admit it, but as you were lying in his arms, you felt something deeper stir in your chest.

When you made your way back to the Night Buzzard, you found out that new location assignments had been posted by General Hux. That meant that as the ship of refugees lifted off the docking bay and started on its way to the Mid Rim, you were given the location of your new room on the Finalizer. It wasn't much--just a small square with a single bed, a dresser, and a small refresher. However, it was practically a palace to you at this point. When you saw the shower, you were elated that your days of sink baths in the Buzzard were over.

You could tell that your friends shared a similar sentiment by the way you heard their excited shouts throughout the lodging hallway. All except Trudgen that is, who you watched from your doorway. He was shaking his head at the small bed, and you knew he was wondering how he would possibly fit his huge body on that mattress.

Luckily, you fit perfectly. You expected to fall asleep instantly now that you had a real place to rest, but instead you found yourself staring at the ceiling for hours. Without the incessant snoring of your roommates, you were left to the quiet, subtle rushing that came with hovering in the vacuum of space. Your room only had one small window near the ceiling, but you got up and covered it with an extra blanket. There was something disturbing to you about being suspended among the stars, as if the solid ground of the ship under your feet could give out at any moment. Your village on Hoth was never advanced enough to take part in space travel and you'd never imagined that you would be leaving that planet, much less living on a ship.

Being alone in your little room was starting to remind you of what you'd lost. Which was almost everything.

You had three tan first order uniforms, the black outfit you wore as a knight, and your lightsaber. You supposed that objects didn't matter, but you still felt sort of empty. Part of you wanted to send a message to Kylo on your datapad, part of you wanted to walk to his quarters and fall into his arms, but you felt like your worries were minuscule compared to the mountains that he still had to summit. Seeing him cry, seeing him overcome by the nightmares that haunted him... you figured there must be more to his story than you truly knew.

The way he held you... the way he kissed you... he couldn't possibly be truly evil. He couldn't be as far gone as Vicrul had warned. If he was truly evil, he wouldn't have been so overcome with sadness after the death of his father.

The grey area between the light and dark.

All of these thoughts swirled together in a rush of worry that kept you awake until dawn.

You spent the next few days sparring with the other knights in that empty conference room, and you finally started to feel some semblance of normalcy and purpose again. You enjoyed laughing with them and betting your non-existent credits against Ap'lek or Kuruk in order to fuel their ongoing competition. In the evenings, you joined them back on the Night Buzzard and watched them play Sabacc. Cardo tried to explain the rules to you, but you discovered pretty quickly that you were absolutely terrible. And, more often than not, the games ended in someone getting punched.

You also began carving out some time in your days to meditate, trying to strengthen your connection with the force. You didn't think you were close to causing the collapse of another base anytime soon, but at least you could manage a little more control. You were thrilled when you used the force to pry your dresser off the floor where it had been bolted in. However, that earned you a stern lecture from a service droid about respecting Finalizer property. Despite your scolding though, you were excited to show Kylo.

When... he was ready to see you, of course.

You walked across the Finalizer one afternoon, snacking on some bland bread from the cafeteria and trying to motivate yourself to work on your force training again. You were completely zoned out when you felt yourself run right into something tall and solid.

You took a step back and looked up at the man towering over you. The dark helmet, the long cloak. He was unreadable behind the mask, but you knew that everything _you_ were feeling was written all over your face. You felt your cheeks flush as you remembered that same cloak draped over your naked body. You glanced around at the storm troopers and other workers milling about the corridors, and then back up at Kylo. "Um, excuse me, Master Ren." You muttered. He didn't respond, but you couldn't mistake the subtle tilt of his chin as if to say _follow me_.

You cursed under your breath as your stomach filled with butterflies.

You watched him walk down the long hall and enter a door on the left, trying not to smirk as you noticed people obviously averting their eyes and trying to become invisible as he passed them. You waited a few more seconds before following him down the hall and entering the room behind him.

When the door closed, you were instantly enveloped in darkness. You appeared to be in some sort of supply closet. Had you gone through the right door?

You had your hand on the door knob, about to go back into the comforting light of the hallway, when you heard something hit the floor. It sounded like metal clashing against metal, the noise reverberating through the small space and ringing in your ears.

Then a pair of familiar leather-gloved hands were on you. Running over the curves of your body, caressing your breasts, lacing through your hair. You instantly wished that there was no barrier of clothing between those calloused fingers and your naked skin.

His lips were at your ear, his hot breath sending shivers of pleasure down your spine. "You have far too much power over me." He growled. "I'll have to do something about that."

"Why?" You murmured. You turned your head and brushed your lips against his before he could respond, breathing in the familiar scent of him. It was intoxicating. Your heart seemed to swell to the point of bursting as you ran your tongue lightly over his bottom lip, tasting him. He was like a drug. You arched your back to mold yourself closer to him, your hands grasping his broad shoulders.

Had it only been days since you'd last seen him? Stars, you _wanted_ him.

He pulled away though, much too quickly. Your head was spinning as you blinked a few times, trying unsuccessfully to make out the shape of him in the blackness of the closet.

"I'm going to be late for a meeting." His deep voice cut through the shadows. You heard the click of his helmet snap into place over his long hair. However, the sound of the vocoder still startled you. "Why don't you join me? You can take notes."

You followed him into a large conference room not unlike the one you'd been using for sparring practice. He was the last to arrive, his cape billowing behind him as he strode to the head of the table. Everyone but Hux stood out of respect when he entered meeting. You were still glaring at Hux's smug expression when Kylo shoved his datapad into your arms and pointed you to a chair near the back of the room. You rolled your eyes and took your seat, wondering if he was this pushy with Ushar and Trudgen.

You supposed you were lucky though, you had never been allowed at any of these important meetings. If anyone besides the two right-hand men were ever invited, you'd always assumed it would be Vicrul. You made a mental note to rub it in his face later.

You typed furiously on Kylo's datapad throughout the meeting, not truly able to separate important information from useless facts. You figured he could just delete what he didn't want later. You were in the middle of writing the names of some suspected Resistance sympathizers on Canto Bight when you felt something... _odd_.

You pressed your lips together and continued typing, wondering if you'd just imagined it after your encounter in the closet. You told yourself to calm down and focus.

There it was again.

Your cheeks heated as you squeezed your legs together, hoping that nobody noticed your sudden change in posture.

_What was-?_

You dropped the datapad then, earning you a few glares from the meeting participants before they looked back toward a presentation being projected on the large screen. You picked the datapad up off the tile and gripped it so hard that your knuckles turned white. You shifted in your seat.

_What in the actual hell..._

Then you saw it.

Your eyes flicked to Kylo, who appeared to be looking at you. Well, you could only assume by the way his head was tilted. It was impossible to see his expression in that stupid helmet.

You watched his gloved finger twitch, so slightly that it would have been imperceptible to anyone else in that room. But with that subtle motion, you felt a powerful jolt of pleasure in your core.

_Holy shit. Was he actually...?_

_Don't panic._

Sweat beaded on your brow as you forced your body to remain still in your chair. You felt yourself becoming damp between your thighs, though you tried terribly hard to think about _anything_ else. This couldn't be happening. Not here. You had no idea the force could be used like _this_. It had to be some sort of force code violation or something. Some ancient Jedi law had to frown upon this. You bit your lip and tried not to breathe. If you opened your mouth at all, you were afraid you may embarrass yourself.

Whatever he was doing was working though.

A little too well.

You forgot about the datapad and your notes entirely as you shifted to grip the chair, digging your nails into the cushion of the seat. Some sort of invisible finger twirled around you expertly, stroking you in _exactly_ the right spot. You clenched your teeth and tried not to make a sound.

As if to spite you, it only moved faster.

You squeezed your legs together impossibly tight as a small whine escaped your mouth. You felt your body flood with warmth.

_Shit._

You leapt to your feet then, letting the datapad crash to the floor again. You were met with another slew of annoyed glares, but you could hardly bring yourself to care. You ran from the room before you simply exploded right then and there.

***  
Later that night, you weren't surprised to see a message from Kylo pop up on your datapad as you lounged in your bed. You rolled your eyes when you read:

_'You broke the screen when you dropped my datapad.'_

_'You deserve it.'_ You typed back, heat rising to your cheeks. If you had sat in that chair for one more second...

_'I'll have to dock that from your pay.'_

_'I'll report you for sexual harassment.'_ You smirked, proud of yourself for that clever response.

_'And who will you be reporting me to, exactly?'_

_'General Hux?'_

_'Cute.'_

You shook your head as your mouth formed into a full blown smile, a little too entertained by this conversation. _'Aw, you think I'm cute?'_

_'And why would that matter?'_

_'I'll take that as a yes.'_

_'Maybe I should report_ you _for sexual harassment.'_ Did Kylo Ren actually just make a joke? You could hardly believe your eyes.

You felt your heart swell again, just as it had in that dark supply closet. It was as if some part of you that had been buried so deep--so far inside of you that you'd forgotten it entirely--had risen to the surface and bloomed like a flower. Whorls of petals and bright green leaves spread through your mind and overtook the bleak grayness that had been living there for a long, long time. In spite of your better judgement, when you settled into bed, you hoped to dream of that familiar pair of dark eyes. However, just before sleep finally came, you remembered Vicrul's words from the other day. _People like him... people like_ us _... I don't think people like us can ever really love anyone else. We're too messed up._

***

The next morning, you and the other knights were called to a meeting in the same room as the one from yesterday. When you entered the gathering space, you sat as far away from that seat in the back corner as possible. Kylo was positioned at the head of the table, looking intensely at a map. The rest of the chairs around the polished wooden table were empty, no signs of the glaring men that had inhabited them before.

"Good morning, Master Ren." Ushar said, taking a seat next to him.

Kylo nodded respectfully at him before standing up and folding the map in half. The deep sound of the vocoder filled the room. "We've gotten word of a growing band of Resistance sympathizers on Canto Bight. While they've been supplying us with innovative ships, they've also been supplying the rebels with information on our whereabouts and mechanical weaknesses. We have reason to believe that they are purposely designing our technology to fail."

Trudgen clicked his tongue in disappointment and shook his head. Ushar tapped a gloved hand on the dark wood of the table. The room instantly became thick with tension. Six men instantly itching for violence in response to such a blatant betrayal.

"When do we leave, Master?" Vicrul asked calmly, ever obedient and loyal. For some reason, you couldn't look him directly in the eye. You felt sticky guilt churning in the pit of your stomach for breaking your promise to him so soon.

"Well, my _trusted_ supplier is throwing a ball on the First Order's dime. I thought it might be best if we all attend and enjoy the party. It might benefit him to learn the consequences of biting the hand that feeds him."

"You mean we aren't just going to kill him right then and there? He's a traitor, Master." Ushar looked up at Kylo, completely appalled at such a tame plan. You wouldn't be surprised if he punched a hole right through the table.

"Believe me, I've thought about it. But if he's going to have Resistance sympathizers filtering into his little social circle, it'll give us a chance to pick them off one by one. So, we'll leave him alive. But barely."

"Of course." Ushar nodded.

"We leave in two hours. I've had the appropriate clothing delivered to your rooms." 

As it would turn out, this was your second mission that involved a cocktail dress. Only this one was much shorter, and somehow tighter. It was a long-sleeved maroon velvet that ended halfway up your thigh, hugging your curves tightly. The back of the dress was open in a deep V, exposing your bare back. You pinned your hair up with the sparkling silver clips that you found in the bag with the dress. You wondered where the First Order got these outfits as you dapped on the dark red lipstick that had also been supplied to you. You couldn't imagine that they had a closet full of expensive costumes "just in case" people needed to attend a ball and leave their enemies on the brink of death. They'd never spare such an expense on frivolous things. Maybe your clothing had been borrowed from one of the high female commanders on the ship.

When you met up with the others, you admired their clothing as well. They were all dressed in perfectly tailored suits, black from head to toe. Your theory of borrowed clothing was instantly shot down—there was no way these suits _hadn't_ been made especially for them.

No one wore masks, and their hair had even been combed and styled. You tried not to balk at seeing Ap'lek's long, usually messy waves that had been tamed into a low ponytail. Your group didn't outwardly look like a band of killers, but you knew that everyone was loaded with weapons beneath the fine layers of cloth. You yourself had a knife strapped to your thigh, and of course your lightsaber had been tucked into one of your high leather boots.

The ride was fairly short. You were to meet Kylo there, as well as a large division of storm troopers. You weren't sneaking into this ball, your company was making itself known. There was nothing like a show of raw power to send someone running for the hills--especially when their precious paycheck was on the line.

You couldn't help but grin when you exited the ramp of the Buzzard, savoring the feel of a real planet beneath your feet. You knelt down and lightly touched the grass, appreciating the evening dew that had formed on the stalks.

"Happy to be on solid ground again?" Cardo smiled, offering you his hand to help you up from where you were kneeling.

"You have no idea." You grinned at him and straightened your dress. "Let's go scare the shit out of some rich people."

"My favorite hobby."

To say Canto Bight was beautiful was an understatement. It was as if the whole city was bejeweled in sparkling gold. The lights seemed to twinkle with a radiant magic that glinted off both the magnificent high rises and sparkling water that ran through the city. People laughed and dined on large boats that cruised along the river, the echoes of their clinking crystal glasses cascading over the waves.

The ball was being held at what appeared to be a large mansion that overlooked a dazzling waterfall. The entire side of the house that faced the water was made of glass, while the other walls of towering white marble stood out against the rolling green hills that the building was perched upon. Rows and rows of roses decorated the massive ballroom, filling the space with a sweet summery scent. Women with flowing gowns of silk and gossamer were being twirled on the dance floor. Tables and tables of rich food had been laid out as a feast. Live music rang through the air and filled the party with a joyous melody.

"Ushar and Trudgen, we'll have a little chat with the owner of this fine establishment. The rest of you, I want you to search the house for anything useful. Especially blueprints for any Resistance ships. Then you're free to enjoy the wine."

You turned around at the sound of the orders being given, only to have the entire glittering planet seem to pale in comparison to the tall man standing before you. He was wearing the same black ensemble as your friends, and his hair had once again been combed and parted. The light of the party reflected and shined in his dark eyes. You couldn't help but stare a little bit--he was beautiful.

When he was done instructing the stormtroopers that had followed him in and they had began to spread out over the great hall, he met your eyes. His lips twitched the slightest amount as he raked his eyes up and down your body. "Actually, I changed my mind. You'll come with us." He said slowly, not taking his eyes off of you.

"Oh, my! Oh, my!" A stout, white bearded man came rushing up to Kylo, fussing and throwing his hands in the air. He was dressed in a fine navy blue jacket with gold thread accents that probably cost more than what you made in an entire month. The man made a great show of bowing before Kylo, then greeting the rest of you with small bows as well. "Commander Ren. I had no idea that you'd be attending! I would have arranged a better location. My home isn't fit for such company!" His ruddy face scrunched up as he continued to kiss Kylo's ass. You tried not to roll your eyes.

"Yes, well, I believe you told me that I was welcome anytime, Keev."

Keev. That name sounded familiar to you.

"Well, yes, but a little warning..." The man chuckled nervously. "Well, well, no matter! Please, come in! Shall I have the servants make you a plate?" You could see the sweat beginning to bead on his forehead. This city might be beautiful, but you had no interest in these slimy, two-faced men.

Ah, yes. That triggered your memory. You'd somehow convinced the man at the wedding on Takodana that you'd been sent by a man named Keev. It made perfect sense that two filthy rich, selfish people like this would keep the same company.

"Actually, I would like a moment alone with you in your office if you don't mind."

You tried not to smile as the man in front of you paled. "Alone? Well, you must understand, it would be rude to just-"

Ushar stepped forward then, crossing his muscular arms over his chest. "Yes, yes, very well, Commander. Right this way." Keev squeaked out.

He led your group down a few hallways and away from the ballroom, though you could still hear the sound of violins in the distance. You entered a large room that was surrounded in wall to wall bookshelves that spanned from floor to ceiling. You hated to admit it to yourself, but it was quite beautiful.

"Yes well, how can I help you?" The stout man wrung his hands. He stared at the door as Trudgen closed it behind them and locked it.

"Why don't you tell me?" Kylo smiled a sinister smile, his voice deadly and silken at the same time. "Why do you think were here today?"

"Well, I don't know, Sir. As I said, it's a great honor-"

"Cut the bullshit." Ushar said, leaning against one of the bookshelves. A monster waiting in the shadows to strike.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now." Kylo demanded, stepping toward the desk and picking up an expensive looking silver clock.

"Sir, I can assure you, whatever you've heard is a lie. I'm completely loyal-"

Kylo tossed the clock over his shoulder and let it hit the ground behind him, shattering it to pieces. "I don't have time for your games."

The man backed up against the wall, holding his hands up. You could see the sweat streaming down his face. "Please, I didn't have a choice! They made me do it! They threatened me!"

"They threatened you, or they paid you?" Trudgen asked, cracking his knuckles. You could feel the subdued violence seeping from his body with his every breath. A dragon about to be unleashed.

"You will give us all records of communication with them. All blue prints. All locations. After that, we _might_ let you live to see another day." Kylo said coldly. You gulped, watching the man sink further into the wall.

"It's all here." He gestured to his desk. "And in the study on the third floor. Take it, it's all there!" He cried. "Please, just don't kill me!"

Kylo let him continue to cower there, his sobs the only sound aside from the distant music. "It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Keev." With that, Kylo took your hand and nodded to Ushar before unlocking the door. "Take your time with him, but remember--just the _brink_ of death. He still has orders to fulfill to me. Grab the Information when your done, will you?"

"Of course, Master." Ushar nodded.

Then you were back in the polished marble hall, hand in hand with Kylo as you walked away from the screaming in the office and even further away from the music. You tried to will yourself to feel bad for the man, but you couldn't. He had wealth beyond measure and he was willing to sell out his knowledge for yet more gold. You didn't understand those types of people. If you were going to commit to one side, you needed to fully commit.

You looked up at Kylo as you walked with your fingers laced together. "Don't you want to enjoy the party now that your business is done?" You teased.

"I hate parties. These people disgust me."

You nodded in agreement. After a few more turns, you entered a white marble archway into a cozy dining room. A fireplace burned in the hearth, but the space was otherwise empty and silent. You stepped away from Kylo and placed your hand on the beautiful blue stone table, admiring it. You had never seen anything like the sparkling indigo and cerulean waves that formed the large granite table top.

"Well, at least he has good taste." You shrugged.

You turned back to Kylo when you felt his long fingers graze your hips. He lifted you easily onto the table and stood between your legs, causing your dress to expose an indecent amount of your bare thighs.

"Do you like your dress?" He said lowly, stroking your exposed back.

"Where do these outfits even come from? Does the First Order have a random clothing designer I don't know about?"

He ran his hands up your thighs, pushing the dress up so far that the black lace of your underwear was exposed. The underwear had come with the dress that afternoon.

"I picked it out." He said, gripping your thighs and leaning in to kiss your jaw.

You pushed him away a few inches so you could look at his face. "Wait, _what_? You expect me to believe that you have time to do things like pick out dresses?" You laughed at the absurdity of it.

"I only picked it out so I could see you in it." He murmured, snaking his thumb just barely under the rim of the black lace. "And so I could take it off of you."

You gulped. You didn't have a response to that. You could already feel your body responding to him. Craving his touch. "Should we be... doing this in here?" You glanced around, but no one in the castle appeared to be remotely close to this dining room.

"I basically paid for this entire house. I can do whatever I want." He said flatly.

"Right." You breathed, watching as he slowly unzipped his pants. Your thoughts were becoming muddled.

"And right now I want to fuck you on this table."

It took about five seconds from the time you saw the length of him, angry and red and waiting, for him to rip the black lace panties aside and thrust himself into you. You gasped at the initial impact, but he quickly silenced you by covering your lips with his own. He moaned into your mouth as his tongue danced with yours. You wrapped your legs around his waist, allowing him to enter you deeper.

"Oh. Stars." You gasped as he pulled his mouth away from yours and pounded into you. You had the sensation that your body was somehow being split apart at the seams and melting back together at the same time.

The crackling of a communicator cut through the sound of the heavy breathing that filled the room. "Master Ren." It was Vicrul's voice coming though the small device that was pinned to the inside of Kylo's lapel. However, he showed no sign of wanting to answer to answer the call as he brought his lips to your neck.

Crackling again. "Master Ren."

Kylo groaned and ripped off the comm, tossing it onto the table as if to dismiss the conversation. There was a primal glint in his eyes as he turned back to focus on you-

"Master Ren, this is urgent."

Kylo ripped away from you aggressively then and snatched the device off of the stone tabletop. "What?" He snapped.

"We have reports that several X-Wings have landed within range of our ships." Vicrul's voice crackled through the air. Then there was a loud noise that echoed through the speaker before it went completely dead.

There was a single beat of silence, as if you both needed time to register what was happening. Your mind was brought out of its hazy state when Kylo grabbed your hand and pulled you roughly off the table. In seconds you were running down the hallway, simultaneously yanking your dress down with one hand and pulling your lightsaber out of your boot with the other.

As far as you could tell, the party was still continuing on--the wealthy guests were ignorant of both the plight of their host and the seemingly imminent battle.

You didn't bother with the fancy transportation that had taken you from the private landing strip that was nestled between the rolling hills earlier. You ran the whole way, storm troopers joining the two of you as you sprinted toward what seemed to be a large fire.

You tried not to think too much about why Vicrul's comm had gone dead. You attempted to contact the others with your own communicator as you ran through the trees and shrubs, but you were met with only silence. Somehow, the landscape didn't seem as beautiful anymore.

You scanned the strip as you approached from a tall, tree covered hill, panting and clutching your saber. There were several shouts as you watched the silhouettes of people running in the outline of the fire. Thick black smoke clouded the air, causing your eyes to burn.

What was going on? You didn't see a single X-Wing... didn't hear a single blaster being fired. The troopers spread out with their guns at the ready as you carefully trailed Kylo toward the source of the fire.

You heard your name echo through the small comm that you wore on your wrist. "Where are you?"

It was Cardo. Relief flooded you immediately. "I'm-"

"Stay where you are, it's a trap."

In the next single second of time, three things occurred. One, you stopped in your tracks, unsure if you heard him right. Two, you were finally able to make out the shape of the raging fire: the Night Buzzard had completely gone up in flames. Three, you tried to reach for Kylo, but he was a few inches too far ahead.

"Where are y-" You started, but your panic was cut off as you felt a blinding bolt of pain rip through the back of your head and neck. Then, the city of gold faded into darkness.


	14. Every Inch of the Galaxy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Passive suicidal ideation

Time seemed to slow down as Kylo Ren realized that he had been nothing but a pawn in a large, cruel scheme. He looked from the burning Night Buzzard, to the flaming Tie Fighters, and finally to the dark expanse of hills and trees beyond. City lights twinkled in the distance, and the marble house was lit like a glowing, blissful, ignorant beacon in the distance. There were no X-wings in sight.

It didn’t truly sink in until a scream from behind him pierced the air, simultaneously shattering his composure. His ability to think. That scream ripped through his body like a knife, more painful than any physical injury that he had ever sustained. The realization that he had, yet again, been stupid. Reckless.

The realization that something was about to be taken from him. The sutures that had begun to sew him up were ripped away mercilessly. Again he was empty.

 _Of course_ something was about to be taken from him. That’s the way it had always been. It’s the way that Snoke had said it always _would_ be. People with his sort of power could never truly have that sense of stability they craved.

 _Of course_ something was about to be taken from him, because he had let himself fall prey to the idea of a life where something—someone—could actually bring him comfort. The idea of a life without the unspeakable terrors that kept him awake for days on end. The idea that maybe, eventually, he would sleep through the night. Foolishly, he started to see not only a future for the First Order, but a future for himself.

Of course she would slip through his fingers so quickly. Such was his destiny.

And he couldn’t even force himself to think that it didn’t matter, because as she collapsed to the ground, blood already pouring from her head, something in him broke. There was no way he could pretend anymore.

His own words echoed in his mind. _I feel it too_.

He could tell himself that First Order soldiers were expendable… but not this one. This one _mattered_.

As a hundred resistance fighters swarmed from the cover of trees and enveloped their small group, he knew he had only a split second to draw his lightsaber. Just one moment to engage them. But instead he lurched forward to catch his knight as she fell.

And he was too late.

His shoulder seared with the pain of blaster fire as the rebels charged toward them, disguised in dark clothing and leaves. Kylo tumbled backward down the hill, grasping for his weapon. He couldn’t define one figure from another as he scrambled to steady himself on his feet. Their faces were completely concealed. They were one with the night.

His red saber blazed through the onslaught, trying to cut down the wave of shadows that were coming between him and the lifeless girl that had disappeared in the darkness. He was starting to panic, scanning the crowd for her as he swung the sword ruthlessly. How had so many miles come between them in only the seconds that it took him to draw his weapon?

It didn’t matter that ships were burning; it didn’t matter that he had been hit.

_Where. Was. She._

In the distance, there was a large crash as the remains of the Night Buzzard collapsed completely.

Uncharted anger surged through Kylo’s veins as he tore through the traitors like they were nothing more than scraps of cloth. He didn’t need to see them clearly in order to end their miserable, pathetic lives. Filled with rage like he had never known, he vowed to kill them all right here on this hill.

Unfamiliar voices began shouting at the faceless men to retreat.

“Move!” He screamed at the stormtroopers to follow them into the trees. They were too slow. _He_ was too slow.

He ripped the branches away as he pursued them relentlessly. There wasn’t a single trace of her red dress or her long hair in the darkness. He was shaking. His enemies seemed to disappear like apparitions, as if they were never really there at all.

In only minutes, the forest was empty. Impossible.

“Master Ren-” Vicrul ran up to him, panting and heaving. His face was covered with black soot and his suit was torn in a large gash across his chest.

“ _What the hell happened?_ ” Kylo demanded. He lunged forward and grabbed the blood-stained collar of Vicrul’s shirt, shoving him roughly.

“It’s not his fault!” Ushar shouted, running up the hill to meet them on the outskirts of the trees. “It was a trap. Someone… someone must have told the Resistance that we would be here tonight.” He panted. The rest of the knights were close behind him, ragged and covered in ash. The stormtroopers that had survived were gathered about twenty feet away, waiting for orders. Useless.

“They were already on board the Buzzard when we got back here. They sent us the false tip about the X-Wings using an old interference signal, knowing we’d come.” Vicrul explained.

“Hangar’s guards were nowhere to be seen.” Trudgen said, rubbing his dirt-covered curls.

“It was that son of a bitch Keev.” Kylo spat. His heart raced furiously as he began pacing in the trampled grass. He would kill that fucking traitor. Slowly. He would make him beg…

“Master Ren, that can’t be true. Keev didn’t even know we were coming-”

“Shut up!” Kylo snapped, pulling at his hair in anguish. Nothing they could say would even begin to subdue the beast that had been unleashed inside of him. He was beyond reason. “Where the fuck did they go?” He screamed.

As if in answer, a hurricane of X-wings roared overhead, entering the atmosphere and swiftly jumping to lightspeed. Gone.

“That’s impossible…” Vicrul whispered.

“Wait, where’s-” Cardo started. Of course it was Cardo. Kylo didn’t let him finish the question. Couldn’t let him ask where she was. Couldn’t hear her name right now.

“I said shut up!” Kylo raised his hand and used the force to send the knight flying backward. No one stopped him.

For a moment, the only sound in the galaxy was the sound of Kylo’s ragged breathing as he paced back and forth, praying desperately for a plan. Grasping at straws. Cardo returned quietly and waited with the others. The remaining troopers watched him silently from a healthy distance away.

He couldn’t think.

Finally, Kylo made eye contact with Ushar. “How long until our transports arrive?” He knew that his most trustworthy knight would have already called for backup.

“About two minutes, Sir.”

An eerie calm seemed to settle over him then. As far as he was concerned, there was only one option. “Have a fleet waiting for us as soon as we arrive. I’ll search every fucking inch of this galaxy to take back what they’ve stolen from me.”

***

By the time they returned to Starkiller Base, Kylo was practically ready to throw himself off of the ship. Couldn’t they speed the landing protocol up? Every second that passed was another added to a ticking time bomb. A game he wasn’t prepared to lose.

He could feel his knights watching him uneasily, but he ignored them as he bounded down the ramp, already barking orders about preparing for another departure. However, he was quickly met with a familiar flash of red hair and a sour, pinched expression. Kylo balled his hands into fists. It was all he could do to refrain from throwing General Hux across the room, simply for the transgression of standing in his path.

More seconds ticked by.

“I wouldn’t be so hasty if I were you, Ren.” He sneered. “Snoke wants to see you immediately.”

Everything in Kylo’s body was begging him to run, to try to salvage the thing that was so quickly slipping through his fingers. However, like with most of the events in his short life, he did not truly have a choice.

And so, his hands shook as he knelt before Snoke moments later. “How can I serve you, Supreme Leader?” He gritted his teeth.

“Pathetic child.” Snoke spat from his throne. The air was thick and still, not a single one of his red-armored guards dared to breathe. “I knew you would ultimately fail me.”

Kylo looked up through the visor of his mask, thankful that his sheer panic was concealed. “We were set up. It was a trick.”

“Did you at least manage to obtain the Resistance blueprints?”

“They were destroyed with the Night Buzzard.”

“Can you two manage…” Snoke said slowly, rising from his chair to stand over Kylo and Hux. “TO NOT DESTROY EVERYTHING I’VE WORKED FOR?”

Kylo glanced at Hux, expecting the man to be cowering. Instead however, he simply reached into his pocket and held up his datapad. “If you please, Sir,” Hux’s voice grated on Kylo’s every nerve. “I think I’ve found a silver lining to this. The girl has mustered up her last single brain cell to notify us of her location.”

Kylo’s leather clad hands balled into fists as Hux played the voice recording that had been sent to the First Order headquarters. If Snoke wasn’t here, Kylo would rip out his throat for that comment.

“ _The comm is dying…_ ” Crackling. “ _D’Qar._ ” Crackling. “ _Base_.” Kylo tried not to gasp at the sheer desperation in her voice. He wondered how much blood she had lost.

Suddenly, he felt very dizzy. The ship seemed to tilt on its axis, affecting no one but him. He closed his eyes and tried not to simply fall to the ground. He struggled to remember how to breathe. His mind seemed to slowly consider the idea that he could finally be losing it.

_No._

“Let’s go, then.” Kylo finally straightened up. He didn’t want to hear anymore. “I’ve already had the ships prepared-”

“You will do no such thing.” Snoke rasped in his cruel voice. “This attack must be planned strategically. I won’t have you costing the First Order valuable resources so you can run after a girl. You truly are a waste of a life.”

 _Maybe we shouldn't have risked bringing a child into the world after all_.

Kylo felt his face searing, and he was thankful again for the mask. He had to snap out of this madness. Snoke was right.

Yet he fought the urge to board his ship immediately, knowing he could be in D’Qar in no time. Knowing that every second he wasn’t in D’Qar, she could be in danger. Yes, she could fight, but she was shit at controlling the force. If she went up against that scavenger Rey… if she had to go up against his _mother_ …

Expendable soldier. Expendable soldier. Expendable soldier. 

_People like him aren’t capable of love._

His head was swimming.

“If you even so much as think about putting the coordinates to D’Qar into a navigation system, I will kill you.” Snoke was no longer addressing both men. He was solely addressing his apprentice.

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

When Snoke finally dismissed them from his chamber, they rode down the elevator in silence. In an immense display of inner strength, Kylo held himself back from throwing Hux against the glass walls with everything he had. His head would probably make a satisfying crack as it shattered against the panes... but he had to try to remain calm. He needed to think clearly.

He needed a plan.

He needed-

The doors slid open. “My god, Ren, I knew you were an idiot, but I never thought you’d actually suggest running to the Resistance Base after some whore.” Hux sneered, making for the door.

He needed to hurt someone.

 _Yes,_ Kylo decided then that he needed to hear the crack of that glass after all. Perhaps that would clear his head. With a sheer thought and a casual raise of his hand, the General’s face was covered in blood as it pressed against the crystalline shards of the damaged wall. For someone who claimed to be so intellectually superior, Kylo often wondered why Hux would bother to taunt someone who clearly had so much more power than him.

“Have a nice day, General.” Kylo said casually as he stepped out of the elevator. With a simple wave of two fingers, the doors slammed shut behind him.

***

To no surprise of his own, Kylo couldn’t sleep. He spent a long time peering out one of the large windows in his chamber, gazing off into the endless black void. An expanse of darkness only very rarely interrupted by a small fleck of light from a star. A distant memory prodded at the corners of his mind--a little boy looking out at the galaxy from his father’s lap. Han had even let him press the button to jump to lightspeed.

Kylo turned away then, gritting his teeth. Everywhere he looked lately seemed to overwhelm him with despair. What if he had made the wrong decision?

What if it should have been him instead, falling dead into the depths of Starkiller Base?

He’d thought he found something that made him feel whole. Did he even deserve that after what he’d done?

“Fuck!” He pounded a fist into the wall before thrusting his helmet over his dark waves. He wasn’t going to sit here and do nothing. Maybe he couldn’t go running to D’Qar, but he could find some other way for justice to be served… and some other way to get his mind off of her. If he found out that his mother even thought about touching her…

Expendable soldier.

Expendable soldier.

As he hurried down the long hallways to the hangar bay, a new worry hit him like a punch to the gut. What if his mother simply killed her the way that he had done to his own father? His mother knew what his knights meant to him… it would only be fair.

He started to run.

“Master Ren?” He heard Vicrul’s voice behind him as soon as he entered the quiet hangar. He thought briefly about just ignoring him.

“What?” Kylo snapped.

“Are you going to D’Qar?” Vicrul stood there in his full armor, his large scythe swung over his shoulder. Even though he was dressed as a killer, he looked like nothing more than a little boy at that moment. Kylo knew that Vicrul was thinking back to the time when he had warned his little dove to stay away from him. He didn’t need the force to sense that, because it was written all over his face. He could feel guilt and embarrassment pouring from the man. He knew what Vicrul really wanted to ask: _Are you actually going after her? I didn’t believe you were capable of caring that much._ To which Kylo would reply: _Neither did I, but this is absolutely tearing me apart. I feel that if I lose her, I’ll be losing the sole inkling of hope I have of a future where I don’t spend every day wishing I was dead._

Kylo winced behind his mask. “It’s none of your business.” Both of them knew that that statement carried more than one connotation.

“I was just wondering if you needed backup.” Vicrul looked down sheepishly. Kylo noticed a small line of bandage peeking above the collar of his armor, probably from the large gash that had been slashed across his chest on Canto Bight.

“I’m going back to that insidious planet Canto Bight.”

Vicrul nodded. “Forgive me, Master Ren. I didn’t realize things were so… serious.”

“What are you doing here at this time of night?”

“I-I was also going back to Canto Bight.”

The silence hung heavy in the air. Kylo could hear his heartbeat thrumming in his ears. “So you agree. Something about that situation doesn’t add up.”

“Yes, Master. It doesn’t make sense that they were able to get passed us so quickly.”

Kylo surprised himself at the next words that came out of his mouth. He was used to doing things alone. He didn’t have friends. At this point in his life, he couldn’t rely on anyone but himself. But… he might finally be losing it. “Then let’s go.”

The ride back to Canto Bight seemed agonizingly long, if only because Kylo was so tempted to erase the coordinates and turn toward D’Qar. He could tell Vicrul was apprehensive, but he said nothing to quell the nerves of his knight as he steered them through hyperspace.

As soon as they landed on the familiar strip between the rolling hills, Keev’s runway guards met their end. Kylo didn’t care how many people he needed to kill in order to figure this out.

They began retracing their steps from twenty four hours ago, scouring every inch of the grass for a clue. Kylo noticed Vicrul’s eyes lingering on the spot of charred ground where the Night Buzzard had spent it’s last moments. He was thankful that it was dark outside so that the knight wouldn’t be able to recognize any of the twisted pieces of metal. He knew what that ship meant to his knights, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about even that right now. At least the six men were alive, they were accounted for. Unlike…

He had become a man obsessed.

They slowly made their way to the expanse of trees at the top of the hill where the Resistance members had disappeared like ghosts. They weren’t met with anymore soldiers from Keev’s personal protection service, but both men remained on their guard anyways, weapons drawn and at the ready. In the distance the marble house loomed dark and quiet, so divergent from the glittering party. Kylo wondered idly if Keev had managed to survive his wounds.

He supposed it didn’t matter though, because he would be dying tonight anyway.

“Master, look.”

Kylo followed Vicrul’s deep voice to a small clearing. He immediately took note of a small white slash of paint near the thick, gnarled roots of one of the tall oaks. However, Vicrul was looking at something else. His black, steel-toed boot prodded at the ground, creating a hollow echo.

Within seconds they were on their knees in the dewy grass, prying open a damp wooden door that was half rotted away.

“First mystery solved.” Vicrul said lowly before he slipped inside.

_*** You ***_

You were momentarily blinded when you awoke, the sun of the tropical planet beating down on you relentlessly. You slowly took inventory of yourself, trying to remember how you’d gotten there. First and foremost, your head was killing you. You remembered being hit _hard_. You remember Kylo whirling around in the darkness of those hills, looking panic-stricken. You actually remembered thinking--during the seconds before you lost consciousness--just how beautiful he looked.

Your face was pressed against the dirt. You inhaled the scent of earth and salty air as you simultaneously tasted blood in the back of your throat.

Slowly getting to your knees, you came to realize that you were in shackles, bound by rusted metal chains that were tethering you to a large trailer. You were a pig waiting outside of a slaughterhouse.

“Oh, look. You’re finally awake.”

You blinked a few times, watching a familiar face slowly come into view in the harsh light. “You.” You choked. It was the pilot that had escaped from Starkiller Base with a stormtrooper.

“I’m not a huge fan of your tone. If I were you, I’d be a little nicer.”

“Or what, you’ll chain me up?” You rolled your eyes. “You’ll hurt me? Kill me? Please.”

He turned away from you as a small droid rolled over to him to give him some sort of message. You couldn’t tell what it was saying because you’d never learned to speak droid. You used the time to try to get to your feet, but you found that the chains that bound your wrists wouldn’t allow you to rise more than a foot off of the dry dirt.

“So, what, you guys can’t even afford an actual prison cell?” You quipped, sizing up the dark haired man and his droid. Truthfully, you felt like absolute hell. If he wanted to, he could rip you to shreds. That wouldn’t stop you from putting up this front though.

“General Organa is on her way to see you. And you better treat her with some respect.”

You rolled your eyes and tried to make yourself as comfortable as possible. You leaned your sweaty face against the side of the metal trailer, savoring the coolness of it. You ignored the pilot that was hovering near you and began to focus instead on the sounds of the camp. From the distant hum of voices, their base must be bigger than you’d originally thought. The trailer was blocking any view you had of their ships or numbers, but you could tell that there was a lot in motion behind you. The only thing you could see from your spot in the dirt was the thickness of the jungle, staring back at you like an endless green vacuum.

“I’m happy to see that you’re awake. Welcome to the Resistance.” A woman kneeled down beside you, careful to stay just out of reach. She looked like she had once been very beautiful, but her face now held deep worry lines. Her once bright aura had dulled. Her grey-brown hair was pinned in an ornate braid on the top of her head.

“You can just kill me now, because I’m not giving you any information.” You met her deep brown eyes with a harsh glare—then immediately looked away. Those were Kylo’s eyes. Your breath hitched.

“Well, luckily I’ve been in this business for a long time. I know better than to bring a Knight of Ren here and expect them to give up information.” The woman, _Leia_ , smiled at you. Her smile was warm, despite that fact that you were her enemy.

“Then just kill me so I don’t have to spend another second in this dump.” You huffed, completely bluffing. You’d spent so much of your life trying to survive that you’d never actually just _let_ someone kill you. Of course you were planning to escape, but she didn’t need to know that.

“Hey, I told you to have some respect-“ The pilot started, staring down at you with his arms folded over his chest.

“Now, Poe. It’s okay. I don’t imagine you were very respectful when you had your little stay with the First Order.”

Poe’s dark eyes flashed, but he remained silent.

“I suppose you’re wondering why you’re here though, if not for information.”

You just stared at her in response, unwilling to give her any hint of emotion that may betray the First Order somehow. Sensing that you weren’t going to engage, she continued. “You’re here because I want my son back. I know you know who I am, and I know you know what I stand for. I will fight until my dying breath to see my son standing on the right side.”

Your gut wrenched, but you remained passive and calm. “And what does that have to do with me?”

“He’s going to come get you.”

“Ha!” You couldn’t help but find that statement absolutely hilarious, even as raising the volume of your voice made your dry throat ache. “You’re funny.”

Leia Organa stared at you, those brown eyes shimmering with hope. Something about that made you sick. “You realize he killed your husband right? What makes you think he’ll come running back to his mom? He- gah!” You yelped a bit at the sting of Poe’s hand cracking against your jaw, more out of surprise than pain. You’d had much worse.

“Poe, go take a walk.” Leia said quietly before turning back to you. “Like I said, I’ve been playing this game for a while now. I know my son, and I know he’ll come here looking for you. And when he does, I’ll be ready to pull him back to the light.” She sounded so matter-of-fact.

“He’ll never come here. I’m just an expendable soldier by the First Order’s philosophy. I don’t matter to him at all.”

She cocked her head to the side and smiled. She clearly knew something you didn’t. “Let’s just say I have a trusted source within your ranks that says otherwise. And, I suppose I could confirm these allegations myself.” A source within the First Order? Your heart started racing. That must have been how they had ambushed you on Canto Bight… your foggy mind struggled to put the pieces together.

With that, she rose to her feet and dusted off her tunic. However, instead of leaving, she extended her arm so that it was hovering above your head. You couldn’t swat it away because your shackles wouldn’t allow it. You were inclined to try though, that is until your head was suddenly struck with a splitting pain.

This pain was different from the pain of being hit over the head and knocked out. It was as if the pain was coming from inside your head itself. It was as if your mind had suddenly been split down the middle and shattered into razor sharp pieces that were embedding themselves into the inside of your skull. Your head felt so full that you were sure it was going to burst in that moment. You were hit with the epiphany that this was what Kylo had been trying for the past few years: the absolute power to dissect every thought and every memory that you had ever experienced.

You felt as if the woman standing above you was shuffling through your mind like it was nothing more than a tattered old book. You felt her comb through every memory that you had of Ben Solo and then Kylo Ren, paying special attention to each time you had felt that invisible tether pulling you to him. It was as if she was holding that strange bond out in front of you and saying, I told you so.

When she was finally satisfied with the information that she had stolen from you, you were left panting and gasping for air. “I find it strange that my son couldn’t do that. It was rather easy. You are unchecked and unable to control the force, so you are pretty much an open book.”

“You claim that the Resistance is some sort of moral high ground, but you’re just like the First Order. You’ll do whatever it takes to win.” You spat, trying to focus your bleary eyes.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to get my son back. And, right now, that means dangling his last shred of hope in front of him as bait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took 5-ever to update. And sorry for the typos that are probably rampant. Do you guys have any theories about why Kylo can't see her thoughts? Any thoughts about how it's going to play out? I want to know how predictable and basic I am. 
> 
> PS I also might go back to the beginning and make the first chapters a little bit better. So, if you get a notification about edits, that's why. I was veeerrryyy out of practice when I started this, and now I'm kind of embarrassed at the quality of the early chapters since I'm starting to get my writing groove back lol.


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